The thin, curving, cavities lining your palm are your map to the subway.
It gets dirty down there. Rats scamper in puddles and the air reeks of piss, but don't hesitate. It gets dirty down there. At first you thought the wall was covered in graffiti, but its not. Its dirt and blood and sweat spelling Don't get lost.
When the subway groans to a stop, your water bottle breaks. Where its droplets fall, the tiled floor has a distinct silver sheen. It gets really dirty down here, you think.
But at least you will get where you need to go because your hand is a map and it shows you the way.
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
Hello!
I really liked the first line of this poem. It was perfect in every way. Sometimes I think about how lines in my hand really do look like a map, and I wonder where they lead. I never imagined it could be to the subway. Really beautiful first sentence. Nice imagery and descriptive details too, with describing the lines.
Your second paragraph confuses me a bit. I've never ridden a subway, so I'm not quite sure how it actually looks, and your subway could look different from the ones I've seen in movies, which are generally cleanish. I also wonder at how the walls are covered with dirt and blood and sweat. I think it's symbolic, and that it's not really covered with those things, but I'm not sure why they're there, what they symbolize. I don't really like your choice of the word "piss." I'm not sure why... It SHOULD fit with the mood, but I feel like your language is pretty formal except for that word. I'd think of changing it to "urine." I do like how you repeat that it get's dirty down there. And I like how the things on the walls spell "don't get lost" because we know we have a map, and it's a nice theme going on here, even if I'm not quite sure what the theme means.
The third paragraph confuses me a bit more. I guess the only thing that really confuses me in it is as to WHY the water bottle breaks. It seems kind of random. Like, you're just standing there, holding it, and boom! All of a sudden it explodes in your hands. Maybe you could clarify that you were sweating from nervousness or something and it slipped and fell, or the stopping of the subway surprised you and it fell or when the subway stopped it sent out a specific squeal with a frequency that could shatter glass... anything. I just want a reason why it broke. I like the rest of the paragraph, especially the second sentence. It gives a nice sensory detail of how the subway used to be clean.
And I like your last sentence as much as the first. I'm glad you came back to the theme.
I realize this might be taking place in another world or something, and the subways are changed and that's why everything isn't like I see on TV, but in the future (or wherever this is) Are the subways the only mode of transportation? Or are the obsolete? How crowed is the subway station. These are some of the things that I wish you had put into this poem. Really, what I'm trying to ask is, what is the importance of the subway? It seems like a powerful symbol, but I have no idea what it means. The corruption of man? A means of escape? Is it so special that the lines on these hands are a LITERAL map to the subway that this poem is about having a special ability that can guide you through life when others would be lost? You can interpret this a number of ways, and that might be the way you want it, but I want to know what YOU think! I genuinely want to hear the thoughts regarding the meaning of this poem from anyone who would see the lines on their hands and think of a map to a subway. And that's you!
Try adding a little more detail.
And keep writing! I really liked this!
Hope this review helped.
~fortis.
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical:
"The thin, curving, cavities lining your palm are your map to the subway." Why do you have a comma after "curving"? That should go, so please delete it.
"At first you thought the wall was covered in graffiti, but its not.", the "its" should be "it's" for the conjunction form of "it is".
"Its dirt and blood and sweat spelling Don't get lost." Are you trying to say "It is dirt and blood..." or are you using a thematic fragment, the possessive "its" telling us that it's the wall's dirt and blood?
There wasn't much here. Are you considering expanding this? I feel that you should.
Oh, you know what? I just realized this is labeled as a poem. Where are the lines? Where's the verse? I know it's prose poetry, but the lines should be a little shorter.
Hope this helps!
Knight Malachi here to review for the YWS Default Backgrounds, on Review Day.
So I don't really know the meaning of palm reading; is it a certain type of writing/reading?
Anyway, this was very very interesting, very well written, and i loved the lined:
"don't get lost." The whole sweat and blood spelling it out is really cool.
I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors, but never fear' if there are any then others will point them out.
Now i think you should've rated this for language, but good job overall.
Keep it up!