Dreamcatcher
Her little body is curled
in the fetal position, her dirty blond hair
is splayed across the pillow like paint.
Her breasts have begun to blossom, her ears
twitch with the slightest noise
in the bedroom cast with shadows and air
is frosted silver when she exhales.
There isn't enough blanket to keep
her from shivering in her sleep, her toes
curl inwards to stop the tingling and the numbness
from riding up her spine.
Branches scratch the window panes like dragons tapping
on glass to come in and feast on a little girl
and her teddy bears that keep the monsters
under the bed where they belong.
The dragons catch the eye of a shadow,
a young one hiding under the closet door,
not quite sure where he should be standing guard
waiting for aunts and uncles to come and hassle
the girl in her sleep.
The dragons catch the eye of a young shadow
that would rather make music than fear
because he never liked the feeling
of being afraid, and when he notices the dragons
he pounces in front of the window to sneer at them.
The dragons baritone chuckles seep into the strands
of the shadow's black-threaded body, he quivers
and holds his ground until the dragons fade
into the wind.
The young shadow surrounds the bed with his strands
blocking everything out but the touch of the moon
that slices her cheek in half and saves her smile.
The shadow could only imagine what
her eyes were, purple maybe green the way
he imagined grass and grapes and poetry.
The shadow strokes her forehead and she bares
her teeth in her sleep, afraid. Pulling his hand away he
wants to cry but he doesn't know how but he knows
he feels ashamed.
An arrow strikes him in the back, makes him fall over
the little girl but he catches himself
before his strands infect her dreams.
He turns to face aunts and uncles, hundreds
of shadows unafraid with a thirst for causing fear.
The young shadow wants to crumble into a pile
of black strands, let them take the girl away into
nightmares and fear, but he can't because
he is afraid. Aunts and uncles come down on his chest
rip at his cheekbones, his ribcage, his lungs.
He breaths air poisoned with fear, still fighting
throwing punches at uncles, spells at aunts.
The room is silent and writhing with hazy shapes upon
the walls reminiscent of the wild strands of wind outside,
the dragons are back to watch the fight, their money
is on aunts and uncles.
The shadow despairs, falling to his knees while aunts
and uncles race towards the bed trampling one
another and the shadow learns how to cry.
The descent on the bed, horrific and he stands and he watches,
catching dreams as they leak from her twitching ears.
He is not sure where to stand guard
now that aunts and uncles are hassling the girl in her sleep.
He can see through aunts and uncles.
The little girl is sweating, moaning, and he
wishes he could help and as he jumps forward to catch
a seventh dream he tosses the rest on aunts and uncles.
Falling dreams like shooting stars, burning
aunts and uncles as they land on the backs of heads and calves.
The young shadow stands back and cries
as aunts and uncles forget the child and devour him
into strands into a pile on the floor.
When the little girl wakes she sees black string
and she weaves it inside a large
ring, hangs it above her bed and says
“My little dream catcher.”
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey Viv here.
While reading the poem I forgot the title was dream catcher and ended up getting confused. But, it's a great poem and I think it should be a short story.
"The shadow could only imagine what
her eyes were,..."
Did you mean to say color in this?
What are the aunts and uncles, and the dragons? Are they all the monsters in the little girl's dreams/nightmares?
Again, great poem.
Hello!
I really enjoyed this poem and the use of metaphors and similes to explain the scene. It created a marvelous picture.
I also found the story a bit creepy, telling a story of a dream catcher. I found the first stanza with no errors.
The second stanza, though, I thought that the simile of the dragon was a bit long, and didn't make a lot of sense. You could maybe try the claws of the dragon, and shortening the simile a bit. Making the simile too long can be a bit confusing to follow, especially if it goes for more than one line.
Also, if you want to repeat the idea of the dragons watching the shadow, you might want to separate the repetition into stanzas as to help make the poem flow more easily. That way there won't be too much going on in one section.
It's a bit confusing as to why you continue the dragon catching the eye of the shadow. I think you should try to focus less on the metaphor at this point and more on the description and idea of the shadow, because having too many comparison can be hard to keep track of.
If the dragons are important parts of the story, then you should try and explain them more as to truly make them characters.
Besides this, it's a great story! It's a bit creepy, nothing you should be telling kids with dream catchers in their rooms. Also very imaginative.
Great job!
Hello Emmylou1995,
This is Magenta her reporting to review your poem, Dreamcatcher that you have submitted to YWS. I thought that this was a great poem and I hope you continue writing such great pieces. I just have a few comments and suggestions to make for you. After all, this is a review.
"not quite sure where he should be standing guard
waiting for aunts and uncles to come and hassle
the girl in her sleep."
Firstly, I think that you should cut these lines or sentences as little shorter because they continue for sometimes four lines. It doesn't ruin the flow but it doesn't really pause until you get to the end of the sentence. I would also suggest adding some commas at the end of some lines so the reader can pause for a moment and also to make sure that this poem is grammatically correct. I was a bit confused by the mentioning of aunts and uncles. Is that necessary?
"and she weaves it inside a large
ring, hangs it above her bed and says
“My little dream catcher.”
Places like this need commas. You could place a comma directly before the dialogue and the sentence would be properly punctuated. I also really like the ending of your story how the little girl and how you conclude it with the dream catcher. Great job!
I hope to see more of your work submitted and published! Keep on writing.
~ Magneta