Her sari sweeps the ground
tangerine silk, an ornament
to embellish the stark gray land
her steps are light, her smile, charming
tangerine silk, an ornament
her slippers dance on the cobblestones
her steps are light, her smile, charming
her hair is salt and pepper
her slippers dance on the cobblestones
a blue veil is drawn across her breasts
her hair is salt and pepper
a peacock sits atop her crown
a blue veil is drawn across her breasts
she waits for the child to beckon her
a peacock sits atop her crown
the child loved the peacock barrette
she waits for the child to beckon her
but she was not fit to be a mother
the child loved the peacock barrette
before he was taken away
but she was not fit to be a mother
she wept, held on to his arm
before he was taken away,
before he was given away
she wept, held on to his arm
kissed his forehead, closed the door
before he was given away
to the American family
kissed his forehead, closed the door
she waved goodbye, she waved hello
to the American family
fake a smile and shake their hands
she waved goodbye, she waved hello
she waved hello, she waved goodbye
fake a smile and shake their hands
turn from the door and away down the lane
she waved hello, she waved goodbye
to embellish the stark gray land
turn from the door and away down the lane
her sari sweeps the ground
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey there, Emmy!
It's nice to see how much your poetry has improved through the ages. This poem is very well done -- it cleanly tells a story and introduces enough fresh imagery from stanza to stanza to keep the repeated lines exciting. I don't have much critique for this because even in the places where I want to say that it feels choppy, it works. Perhaps my favorite piece I've read tonight, beautiful in all of its simplicity.
Two thumbs up,
June
Back again, Emmy!
I liked this poem a lot! I really loved the pattern you used with repeating the lines. It was interesting, unique and made this poem memorable. It had a nice flow and rhythm to it. The message behind the poem is meaningful and sad. I also like how the last line links back up to the first verse, so it can go on and on... (if you want it to).
Again, though, I would've liked to have punctuation in there. It would've made it easier to read. One way of doing this is to read the poem aloud. Wherever you pause you either need a comma or a full stop. And then capital letters as well. Apart from that, it was nice.
You didn't use too complicated words, but simple words that had a lot of meaning behind them. That was someting else that I really like. Keep writing
Deanie x
Loved it...There is a good message out of the poem,and nothing can take that
Helllo Emmylou1995,
I really really liked this poem! I absolutely loved the repetition of phrases and words. This gave me chills. O_o You used different words, strong words. The fluency was good, I didn't really see any parts that were troubling to read.
But (there is always a but), I felt rushed throughout the poem and I felt stopped at awkward times. To help that, you may want to add the amazing use of commas and periods! How? Well, at the end of lines, add a comma here, a period there. It helps a lot, trust me.
You should enter this poem into a contest! It is really neat!
Any questions, PM me!