(Written about Edward Hopper's Nighthawks painting)
188-396
Little hand strikes eleven
creeping towards midnight.
Silence, but for the whirring
of the ice cream machines.
Amber glow tiptoes upon the glass
and straggles over the bricks
across the street.
The bartender straightens his cap
a thousand shades
of white and weariness,
as he shines the counter,
sorrow on his brow.
Red dress,
red hair in the corner,
passes a napkin
to the businessman beside her
with
her six-digit phone number
scrawled in pen.
He takes up the napkin
glowing with pride
until the red dress is gone, and
he realizes the scam.
He raises the brandy to his lips
and polishes off the glass.
Silence, but for the whirring,
of the ice cream machines.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Red Team here to review, also known as Rouge! I am SecreteJournalist, if you didnt know, you can call me Brie! It is a pleasure to meet you
But any way, on to the review I suppose <3
I have seen the painting before, and I do truly love it! I like how you add more and more details then their truly are, it lets the mind wander into the greatness of the scenery!
I do feel as if the title is kinda off, since you dont mention the actual number itself in the poem (the actual numbers) but thats just my opinion on things xD
I do agree, you are missing a few commas, buts that okay.. its a rather easy fix! Do try and fix up that "Red Hair in the corner" if you must, because I kinda agree its a wee bit shaky!
But really, overall, you did a great job. My favorite line is "Amber glow tiptoes upon the glass" Because oddly, it sounds rather elegant.
Keep writing, you are a great writer <3 I hope my review helped a little.
Blue Team Here!
I never really wrote poetry until just recently where I wrote my first poem, so don't expect this to be really accurate. If I get something wrong, just tell me.
Like Phoenix said, You seem to be missing a few commas. The first that i spotted was after "The bartender straightenes his cap" And then another was after "He raises the brandy to his lips."
Blue team out~
Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!
Technical:
"The bartender straightens his cap" should have a comma after it for better reading flow.
"He takes up the napkin" could also use a comma.
"to the businessman beside her
with
her six-digit phone number"
You could put "with" in "her six-digit phone number" to make it flow better.
Content:
I liked the fact that you gave us what this was based off of or inspired by (whichever terminology you prefer). I looked at the painting before reading the poem to try to get the context of the poem. Now, I liked how you tried to capture the painting in this poem. I found the "Red dress, red hair in the corner," a little rough and awkward to read, but it might just be me. It might fit the style of the poem you're trying to go for, but I'm not entirely sure.
Hope this helps!