Dandelions bleed across grass stained fields
a yellowed hide waned across fragile
spring soil, the sky is a cracked pale yellow fishbowl
silhouettes of maple trees are mirrored
by the salt water lake whose fish are mangled
purple blue yellow like broken crayons
when children toss stickers and glitter onto sheets
of construction paper dabbled with ivory glue
amber-colored nail polish spills over terra-cotta stone
disillusions the sandpaper skirts abused wives
wear when I love you starts sounding plastic
stars have yellowed to pinpricks in the night sky
chalked with moonlight when it rains dance because
rain feels like shards of yellow chalk
shrapnel embeds in shoulders and life feels real
Its like when he dreams about hair
how it used to itch at his scalp used to be strawberry yellow
strands that shed onto his construction jacket
yellow cotton gloves and hospital bed pillowcases
covered in dandelions bleeding across the bedsheets
a yellowed hide waned across fragile gray-toned skin
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello, emmylou1995!
RachelLeeAnn here to review!
Oh my goodness; such imagery! You've painted a beautiful word picture here. Your similes and word choice were spot on. GREAT job!
However, I do agree with lyricalrebel in saying that the lack of punctuation takes away from the poem. It makes the whole piece seem like a run-on, which in turn makes it feel very rushed. Try adding in the proper punctuation/capitalization, and I think it could REALLY help!
Otherwise, it's perfect.
Great job!
-Rae^^
Hey, lyricalrebel here.
The only thing I was looking for are full stops because when you read the way you wrote it, it's like you don't have enough time to breathe while reading it and it almost ruins the atmosphere while you're reading it. But hey, nice work.
I must say that you've done an awesome job describing that awful situation.
A normal work - I think - would focus more on the pain and sadness and all those prickly emotions but you've conveyed those feelings using beautiful words.
I also like the way you used the colors like you were just describing something through a child's eyes and I was greatly moved by what you did. Really, I felt sad.
This was beautiful. I am crying. It is so real, the way that it's written makes me believe that you yourself have/had Melanoma. Your simile's are perfect, your description is unique and powerful and I'm gushing but I can't help it. I was so ready to critique this but now I'm at loss for what to critique. You did such an amazing, amazing job.
-Nicole
Thank you for your comment! I'm sorry it made you cry, and no, I've never had it but I've known someone who did. Thank you, again.