Fireworks

lovely, lovely, lovely, just this slice of the image.
but you can do better. i know you can.
first of all, coal does not happen in strands like hair, but YOU can make it happen in strands. something like:
"lines of coal -- unkempt black hair -- drifting down and far away from a fire long burnt out"

obviously, that's not good and you shouldn't use it, but you see that just with the word "lines" you can change the coals into strands to make the image work better. the "drifting" helps draw the lines and bring the image movement, while still keeping the hair and the fire that you originally evoked.

you must make everything about her more specific to make her come to life. what color is her dress? that's more important than the fact that it touches the ground, unless you'll bring us sounds with the dragging movement of her dress.

every word you say brings attention to that feature, and you have only so many words that will keep our attention before you move to the next image, so show us the MOST IMPORTANT thing about what you're showing. if her ankles don't matter, give us the color, as that shows us how she stands out or blends into the forest.

now, a couple of smaller things:
her dress is silk, that hangs to her ankles
^ you don't need a comma there

Once green leaves drift to the ground in a soft but steady rhythm.
^ this is ambigious. once is firstly thought of in terms of time, while rhythm begs a continues happening. if you mean leaves that were once green, it would serve you well to hyphenate it: once-green leaves

Listening with her pointed elven ears,
^girl, what else is she going to listen with? find another way to evoke this image, because this is clunky and breaks up the grace you've been weaving.


again, get specific. WHAT do the calls of the birds sound like? sweet or cawing? where does the ring of sunlight come from and why is it hazy? why does she need to blink and why do we need to see her blink? what does it look like when the blood falls into the mud? does it mix or slide of?

SHOW US WHAT CRESTFALLEN LOOKS LIKE, or don't even mention it at all, since you say she weeps later.

anyway, like i said, this is nice. i like seeing grace turned into this mysterious darkness, but make it more real. give it more time. make it richer.

good luck and let me know if you have any questions!

This reminded me a little bit of Oscar Wilde's Salome. In that play, Salome is this princess, and everyone in madly in love with her and they describe her in these elaborate ways, but somehow it is hollow, it is chimeral. That was a deliberate technique employed by Wilde to create the different relationships within the play, because she would have everyone fawning all over her, obsessing over her appearance, and when she is insulted and threatened by someone who is undaunted by her power, she is far more drawn to that, fascinated by it. This is an interesting image, there are some lovely touches, I think the way you approached movement, and it is sort of enigmatic, but I want to know what you can do that surpasses what a painting or a film could do with the same material. This doesn't necessarily mean saying everything she's feeling, saying you want everything you want the audience to know or discover, but it does mean manipulating your technical prowess for a specific purpose, as Wilde did. What do you have to say? It may be using more of the unexpected to hint at deeper purpose. It may seem like enough, having this crystalised beauty with a bloody knife, but we're pretty desensitised to that, and really it's something we've used in stories, in music, in theatre for hundreds of years. Where is this going? Additional sense imagery would help also, 'brisk autumn air' is nice, but a little cliche. What sound do they leaves make on the ground, a rhythm tells us much less than the timbre, the instrument, is it a brittle sound, a crunch, a crinkling sound, tapping, scraping, creaking, like paper, like bones, wet sound, dry sound? What do they smell like? Spicy, warm, oily, rank, rotten, pungent, putrid, prickly, papery, acrid, bland, salty, saccharine? Golden rule is a verb is more evocative than ten adjectives, so, just throwing stuff out there. It isn't about writing more, it's taking the most vivid and unexpected in how you are seeing it. I think this will go somewhere however, good work.

Hello, I really liked this piece. I like how you slowly bring in the element of fantasy into the piece. It's a shame it was so short, you should think of lengthening it. Though I do think you should work on the overall rhythm of the piece, so your sentences flow into one another. However your diction is very appropriate and helps craft a very serene magical atmosphere.
Well done, it is a very nice work.