She takes hold of her breasts, lifts them from her chest
and tugs, ripping a Cesarian gash across the play dough skin
of her stomach and her veins stretch like putty before snapping.
They leak wine onto sidewalks covered with worms.
Her legs crumple to the concrete, gravel embedding in their knees,
the uncovered toes becoming sucked into the mud. Rain pecks
at the tips of her ears until she can't shake the voices away,
she is too busy holding herself up to cover them with earmuffs.
It's like her feet have gone numb, she can feel a tingle like prickling
from a pink-flower-constructed cacti waiting to be dandled.
Worms like thin fingers trace the sidewalk cracks, trying to keep the rain
from straying outside the lines. Too bad the rain isn't paint,
she thinks to herself. Then I could call myself whole. When it rains,
it smells like worms and cardboard umbrellas.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hi!
To start off, I have to say how much I admire your writing style.
I love love love that you start off with such a blunt and straightforward image without hesitating with language. I love the artistic manner in which you describe the girl in the poem, especially because your word choice is phenomenal with "play dough skin," "stretch like putty," "leak wine onto sidewalks." The images you create are unusual and because of that they are incredible.
I did have an issue with the phrase "the uncovered toes becoming sucked into the mud" and that's mainly because I'm pretty sure things can't "become sucked." They can sink, they can be sunk, they can be sucked into, but cannot become sucked.
And I especially love the thoughts the girl has towards the end because it's like the reader is going even deeper the more he/she reads and we've reached our end goal. However, I think the poem would be better off ending on "Then I could call myself whole." rather than describing the smell of rain. It doesn't resonate with the reader towards the end because the penultimate line is so strong and the last one is not.
Overall, I love this poem and I love the images you created and the way you created them.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
This poem really struck me right from the first line, it's really intense, and there's no build up to an event, it just goes straight in, which I really like. I love the line "play dough skin" it describes the fragility of the girl so well, and is just a really good choice of words.
I only have two very small nitpicks.
In "gravel embedding in their knees" shouldn't it be "gravel embedding in HER knees"?
Also in "pink-flower-constructed cacti" I don't think there should be a hyphen between pink and flower.
Apart from that, a really powerful, gripping poem. Keep it up!
Hey Cesare here for a review,
I love the title of the poem ,"Stagnation" it was a really good title choice. I also love your description and word diction. I have a couple of nitpicks.
1)
"Cesarian" I never heard that word before? Does it have something to do with Cesare Borgia?
2)
You're saying it like the legs are alive *notes the good use of personifiction*
Best of luck in writing
CesareBorgia, signing out.