Mirage
His semi-circle scales are saffron and dull,
they do not shimmer but
he grooms them all the same.
His nostrils are wide
and they widen
as he exhales a wispy cloud of white
hot smoke, his slave girls
stutter in his presence
his wide auburn eyes
drink in their sagging breasts,
their greasy human tresses.
Gold coins become stuck
like poppy seeds
between his puce colored teeth.
The cavern ceiling brushes
his head, like a child
brushing against a God.
He shifts his weight to the other foot, and
his tail drags across the stone floor.
A fingernail scraping
across a chalkboard.
His cavern is hollow and his greed
is his maim.
The mirage of mankind
is reflecting off of his scales, when he
breaths fire the mirage
thickens and melts and boils away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Wow, this good. I don't even know where to start reviewing. I love each and every line. This is a really deep, simply amazing poem.
You have really strong imagery and your word choice is excellent. Beyond excellent even. You use such incredibly rich detail I could almost believe I was reading an actual illustration.
One thing I'd like to comment on though:
This is such a cliche image and I know you could come up with something better than that to describe the noise.
Otherwise, great poem!!!!
Hello~
How I interpret this, is that the word "animalistic" when used to describe people means that they are primitive, savage, relying not on morals or faith or science, but purely instincts like hunger and lust. Of course you already knew this, but I had to get this into my mind as a reviewer.This poem was very interesting. I could say all kinds of good things, mostly about how natural your easy rhythm was, and you images were amazing. I especially like the first stanza.
But this is a review, and I really want to help you on this.
Let's just put this out here. This is the definition of anamalism:
First stanza: Like I said, I really like the imagery, but I don't see how it ties into the animalistic side of humans. I know not all of your poem has to be about that, and I do see "scales" which are an animal skin covering. Anyway, I like this stanza. I see no reason for you to change it.
Second stanza: Don't nostrils widen when you inhale? I guess if you puff air out of your nose really fast they widen a little bit, but not a lot. Just something to think about.
And you used the word "wide/widen" really close to each other. I'd think about putting the word "further" after "widen."
I think the way you put the third and fourth line: that could be better. You could change it so that "cloud" is the last word on that line, and "his slave girls" begins another.
Why are these girls stuttering? Are they nervous because they fear him? Show that fear! Are they just generally uneducated? Show that!
You use the word "wide" again in this stanza when speaking about his eyes. Now, don't get me wrong, wide is a good word for displaying the animalistic side of people, it's similar to "coarse" etc. But I think that less repetition would make this a better poem.
I also think you need a period after "presence." I wouldn't suggest this, but you appear to be trying to have correct grammar in this.
One thing that would make this stanza pretty amazing, would be if you told us what emotion this man was feeling when he "drank in their sagging breasts" and "their greasy human tresses." I would feel disgust, yet why would he keep these women as slaves if he was disgusted by them? Is he feeling lust? Show us a lusty look on his face! We need to know!
This is what I would do if I was revising this poem:
"His nostrils are wide,
and they widen further
as he exhales a wispy cloud
of white hot smoke.
His slave girls
stutter in his presence.
His wide auburn eyes
burn with lust, (or bronze in hatred or somthing else)
drinking in their sagging breasts
and their greasy human tresses.
Stanza three:
Why in the world are there coins in his mouth? I am mystified. Does it represent greed?
Puse is a strange color to have teeth be. But I kind of like it. One thing I might suggest is to put a hyphen between puce and colored.
Stanza four:
I like that we now know that we're in a cave. That definitely has an animalistic feel to it. One thing though, similes (in my experience) are usually used to compare unknown things to known things. I personally have never witnessed a child brushing up against a god. I think this particular simile would work better as a metaphor. Just take out the "like."
Stanza five:
Okay, I wasn't aware this guy had been putting all his weight on one foot or that he had a tail. All of a sudden I have to re-imagine him. which is fine, but it was kind of jarring. Also, I'd like some more descriptions of his tail. What kind of tail makes the sound of nails on a chalkboard? I was imagining a lion's tail when I first read it, and obviously that would not make the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Also, I know you meant this to be poetic-like, but the transition between the two sentences, and the fact that the second one is a grammatically incorrect sentence when thus far all of your sentences have been (mostly) grammatically correct bothers me.
Stanza six:
I have never heard the word "maim" as a noun. If it can be, then by all means keep it there, I just thought it sounded a little weird.
I really like the part with "The mirage of mankind/is reflecting off of his scales." It seems really symbolic, even if I can't put my finger on exactly what the symbolism is. However, I don't really like anything after it. Because I don't know the symbolism is, the deeper symbolism is completely lost on me. How can a symbolic mirage melt and boil? I do not have a clear image of this in my head. I don't know whether it's "when he breathes fire" in general, "the mirage thickens..." or if it's "when he breathes fire" on himself, "the mirage thickens..."
Also, I thought his scales didn't shimmer... didn't we say that in the first stanza? If something is dull, (not shimmery) wouldn't that mean it couldn't reflect anything?
This is how I would change this stanza if I was editing this:
His cavern is hollow
and greed is his flaw.
The mirage of mankind
reflects off of his scales. (then you could add something to show the animalistic side of people, such as:)
But he pays no heed
For he is run by instinct. (of course what you put here depends on what you mean by "mirage" and what point you really want to drive home.)
Sorry if this was super-critical, but I really wanted to help you. I did enjoy this as just a reading-lightly-through poem. Very much so, but when I scrutinized it, Some things fell apart for me. Great work though! Keep writing, I hope this helped.
~Fortis
Hi emmylou1995,DK here with review on your fantastic poem!
Very interesting poem and diction are impressed in my mind. You really talented and I was clearly jealous of you!It is a perfect symbolism of the behavior of the beast in man.
But your poem seems to be blaming one side gender only, man.Maybe you are making an assessment of the characteristics of some bad guys through a woman's perspective.
With cynical description
Overall,very nice poem to read.But is it any problem with the formatting here?
Keep it up!Kudos,cheers