Kneel
This is the poem that cries
in the desert of time,
that kneels on the sand,
because in darkness the stars are bright,
because in darkness we see what is not,
and it is there that we dream.
And when fear pierces a broken heart,
the sweet blood drips to the thirsty ground.
This is the poem that falls,
into the blackened earth,
when all hope is lost.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I don't get it...is there some sort of metaphor? Symbolism? Going on here...I suck at these types of things.
Hello
I am going to review your work.
Firstly the title - I think it is really good, short, simple, and fits in well with the rest of the poem!
This is the poem that cries in the desert of time,Nice line!
that kneels on the sand,Refers back to the title!
because in darkness the stars are bright, these two lines that contain repetition of darkness doesnt usually work, but because in darkness we see what is not, does here!
and it is there that we dream. again nice line...and we find out what is happening
And when fear pierces a broken heart, nice opener to the second verse
the sweet blood drips to the thirsty ground. interesting description
This is the poem that falls,reference to the first line
into the blackened earth,nice description
when all hope is lost.great ending
This is a nice poem. I am not a poet myself - I used to be, but I think it woks well
I think it is nice this length, it doesn't drag on so much it bores you
well done!
The repetition is redundant and so is completely unnecessary. It's like saying "kill something dead", but even that redundant phrase has more variation in vocabulary than the straight repetition you have. In the future, watch out for redundancies and excessive/unnecessary repetitions; they can really throw a reader off, especially in a poem as short as this.
Now, as far as your imagery goes, it was quite vague. For example, how dark is "darkness"? What is it that makes darkness darkness and not blackness or dimness or any other synonym? Using more specific, vivid words (especially nouns and verbs) rather than relying on common adjectives and adverbs will make your poetry stronger. People like reading interesting descriptions, and using vivid words is a great way to write interesting descriptions.
Another thing you need to watch out for is idea jumping. Every idea in a poem needs to be connected to at least one other, and that connection needs to be clear, or you risk losing your reader since they can't follow what's going on in the poem. For example, you jump from thirsty ground drinking blood to a poem that falls when all is lost. There is no clear connection between the two ideas, and so I went "...What?" In the future, make sure your ideas are all connected somehow, and that they flow logically from one to the other. Making an idea outline for each poem may help.
Hey Emmyloud1995! This is just fabulous. When I read the first line of this poem, I thought about clicking away, because usually poems that talk about themselves being poems are sort of corny and confusing. However, I'm really glad I continued reading. You made a cliche into something that isn't cliche, and that takes real talent.
You don't need the first comma here.
Other than that, this poem seems just about perfect to me!