Persephone's Lament
America is a terrifying place with
its innovations, its white-walled society.
I told him I didn't want to go.
He said the Alps where I was born, the meadows
with their floundering grasses
were bad for my asthma.
We moved to Las Vegas where even the suburbs
made my inner ears ring.
It smells like lemons and dill, soy sauce and
dried urine and melted plastic.
I swear the sky is too obsessed with smog
to bother with the stars.
Where has Virgo gone?
College professors never teach the steps
on how to mend a soul
once lust is mistaken for love.
Meeting him snapped the ground beneath my feet
and the Alps had quivered
when he looked at me
with that hunger in his eyes.
He only lets me visit my mother once a year.
He says its because of my asthma
but I know its because he must feel guilty
because I never said I do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Beautiful
Just like your other poem I just reviewed. You use such great imagery once again.
This is so amazing:
Good use of figurative language and also the question is so short and yet it echoes in my head. It is full of longing and emotion.
I'm going to read some of your other poems because so far I love your poetry
Hey emmy, so I never usually review poems but yours is an exception.
Okay so firstly I'm going to ramble- I love this legend, it's always been my favourite, in fact I wrote a retelling of it a few years ago. I remember reading a book that took it a similar way to this one- that the girl fell in love with an older man. Except in that case she was happy and she compared herself to Persephone and ate as many pomegranate seeds as she could to make herself stay.
Also in school we had to read a poem by Eavan Boland called [url=The Pomegranate]http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15385[/url] your imagery of the stars being hidden and the contrast between a strange city and home reminds me of this.
I really loved the subtle parallels you draw, and only when I left the poem for a minute and come back to it did I notice how the last stanza ties in with the title. Well done, really.
Of course, it wouldn't be a review if it weren't for a few critiques!
-I don't think I like your use of the word 'floundering'. As far as I can see it doesn't describe the movement of a meadow- that sort of rippling with the wind? Floundering seems more haphazard and desperate. I also don't think it ties in with that peaceful atmosphere you're trying to create in contrast to Las Vegas
- I didn't like your opening lines, I don't know why, and even going back having read the rest of the poem, they feel a little bit too... separate? from it. I don't know, I can't explain it, I just think you were making a very strong statement that "AMERICA IS THIS" at the beginning but not really following it through in the rest of the poem which deals with other themes entirely.
-as a previous reviewer said, it should be "it's", not "its" in the last line- although I didn't get that, he lets her go home for her asthma, but said the Alps were bad for it and that's why she had to leave in the first place? That didn't quite make it through to the end for me and I think you need to decide which direction to take.
But other than that, fantastic!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi emmylou1995,DK with quick review on your poem.
Exciting poem and written in narrative form. It provides plenty of space when you use the speaking style as the first person in the poem. Diction is also very gorgeous and able to present the aesthetic value. You shaping the imagination perfectly here.
I am so impressed with these lines.Very well-written description you give and have impact to the reader.
Overall,good job.I enjoyed reading your poem so much.
Keep it up,cheers
Knight Dragon, here to review.
Okay, well, this was interesting, and I felt the tie-back to Percy Jackson, but honestly this wasn't what I was expecting. It seemed like you wanted to talk about Persephone's story more than retelling it in a modern setting. Basically this came across as a Percy Jackson reference with Persephone's story mixed in. It just felt like the two elements didn't blend together well.
Basically the biggest issue is that there's little transition between the second and third stanza. It went from Persephone's reaction to America to Persephone's actual lament, so it was a little too abrupt.
And I think the asthma needs a little bit more of an explanation. It's a new element to the story, so where'd it come from? Why haven't we heard of it before?
Technical:
The "its" should be "it's".
Hope this helps!