Slender beams of silver moonlight enter
this darkened prison as I kneel.
I am always cold,
always lost.
I am frozen here, waiting.
Robed forms wrought in panes of glass loom
before me.
Like I am an animal and
if they stand too close,
I might strike out at them.
Dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind
of my heavenly father,
sitting on a golden throne of mercy.
The image dissipates
in an eternity of pain,
sparing not my shamed soul.
Why did I ever praise him?
Why did I ever agree to follow in his
wise and tender footsteps?
Several scorched curtains sway
in a breeze devoid of all oxygen.
I cannot breath.
All hope must surely perish now.
There are tears on a clocks face,
tears of scarlet blood,
and long lost freedom, oh sweet religious freedom.
I raise my head, begging for someone
to free me,
but my pleas are met with blind eyes and
blank stares.
Am I all alone with no comfort,
no fire to warm me,
and thaw my frozen toes?
I have lost myself.
The light has been swallowed.
No longer do I see,
who I am inside.
No longer do I believe
that you can, or ever do,
hear my prayers and calls for help.
I cry, now kneeling before
this uncaring reality
whose white-hot burning arms
are crushing me slowly
to death.
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I agree with kikialicia31. When you write from the heart you can never go wrong. You might be writing from the heart and we just don't know. I couldn't feel it and this is my opinion. You can use it however you wish. Poetry is interpretted in many different ways. Only you know what is correct. You did a good job though. Don't doubt that. Keep writing
You're good.
I have nothing more to say because KatTrain had covered everything. Why don't you try write something different? Here's a tip for you. Feelings, imagination and mind. With those three things you can write even better poem. But still, keep on writing because practice makes prefect.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
#0000FF ">Slender beams of silver moonlight enter
this darkened prison as I kneel.
I am always cold,
always lost.
#FF0000 ">
I am frozen here, waiting. This line wasn't as colorful as the ones before it
Robed forms wrought in panes of glass loom
before me.
#FF0000 ">Like I am an animal and
if they stand too close, I liked the concept but the wording didn't pull through
I might strike out at them.
#0000FF ">
Dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind
of my heavenly father,
sitting on a golden throne of mercy. LOVE THIS
The image dissipates
in an #FF0000 ">eternity of pain, different word then eternity
sparing not my shamed soul.
Why did I ever praise him?
Why did I ever agree to follow in his
wise and tender footsteps?
#0000FF ">Several scorched curtains sway
in a breeze devoid of all oxygen.
I cannot breath.
All hope must surely perish now.
#FF0000 ">There are tears on a clocks face,
tears of scarlet blood,
and long lost freedom, oh sweet religious freedom.
I raise my head, begging for someone
to free me,
but my pleas are met with blind eyes and I don't like this.. it's a little cliche
#0000FF ">blank stares. This is cool, shows how maybe they feel different but must act indifferent towards your pain
#FF0000 ">Am I all alone with no comfort,
no fire to warm me,
and thaw my frozen toes?
#FF0000 ">I have lost myself.
The light has been swallowed.
#FF0000 ">No longer do I see,
who I am inside. It seems like this poem is all about how you feel inside...
No longer do I believe
that you can, or ever do,
hear my prayers and calls for help.
I cry, now kneeling before
this uncaring reality
whose white-hot burning arms
#FF0000 ">are crushing me slowly
to death. Use a less ordinary description of being crushed
#FF0000 ">Red means I don't like it
#0000BF ">Blue means i do like it
This was hard to critique because I am a christian and everything. BUT kudos to you for breaking boundaries.
If you ever wanna talk god, message me. Not lectures included haha