Bleeding
Why do these blackened tears roll out my eyes,
Overflow the ocean of innocence.
'Till when the waves and breeze and beauty dies,
The sizzling fires of sorrow dance.
Old paths of golden smiles melt to dust,
To grief that swells the once soft heart to clay.
And somehow hardens my spirit with rust,
Strings of faith split apart by disarray.
Is there nothing left to do but cry out,
Live in turmoil with none at my side.
Paste over gaping holes of loss with grout,
The fun and happiness in life denied?
Or do I sit and wait for one to come,
To mend and sew my bleeding heart, now numb?
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You did a great job writing this. I've written sonnets before, too, and I'm not that good at it lol.
I love the way you used imagery so well.
Thanks, flower-child! I love writing poems. I am thinking of posting another one soon, so be on the lookout!
I really like this poem. You painted pictures in my mind. I love dpressing poems, they are my utmost favorites. I didn't see the rhyme thing that they were talking about, and I love the new word. I think that thumb would have thrown the whole thing off. Anyway keep it up I love it.
-Flower-
~I love this sonnet! My only complaint is the ending, it seems that the last line has one to many syllables. Other then that I love it, I got lost in it(in a good way!)
~Good work~
I fixed the last word! Tell me what you think!
The poem was very enjoyable. It seems to me that you just began rhyming around half-way through. Was this intentionable, or is your mind like mine and it just sort of automatically think of rhyming words as you write poetry?
One thing that set me off was 'thumb.'
It just doesn't seem to fist...at all. I don't get what the point of placing the word there is as it sets off the whole mood.
Other than that one word, I found the poem profound and meaningful.
Thumb? Really? It was funny, as I'm sure you knew, and that kind of ruined the whole tone of the poem. If that's what you were going for, a little childish twist at the end to throw all the angst out the window, I guess that's what you achieved, but if you meant to have a serious poem and just couldn't find a word to fit the last couplet, I suggest reworking the poem until you find something that fits and works. xD No use throwing it all away on one word.
Besides that last part, there are a few other spots in this sonnet that need patching. First of all, dismantle it and punctuate it as if it were a piece of prose. Then you can put it back together and you should have close to the correct punctuation. Right now, with commas after every line, it's difficult to read. You don't want your reader slogging through understanding where sentences end instead of marveling over the meaning of the poem, do you?
Also, clay is soft. It might not seem soft when it's in the ground or cold or something like that, but it's generally thought of as a pliable substance, so this line doesn't make sense. Soft --> soft?
This is silly, too. I don't know if you want silly. It's silly because you forced the rhyme with out. If you force rhyming in poetry (and you can feel it when you write it), it's a good bet that the reader can feel that forced rhyme, too. It's hard to construct a good sonnet because of this reason! You have to strive to make it feel natural, not forced.
Try working on this a little longer and see if you can't mold it into something that flows on its own! PM me if you have any questions.
-Hannah-
P.S. Be careful with your diction. Using phrases like 'fun and happiness' also detracts from the seriousness of your poem.