Eternal Nothing
It is a night of dark desire, a song of blood,
wolves vent their howls. The ethereal one
awakens.
Mist shrouds her pale form,
an everlasting desire.
Her almond shaped eyes,
glinting like stars,
through galaxies and space alike,
I laugh by her side.
Her raven hair cascades over
her pale and delicate shoulders, and her
scarlet lips part slightly,
to taste the
red tears streaming from the
pale flesh
beneath her.
Now a night of darkness,
I weep.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hi emmylou! Why am I here you ask? To review of course!
Speaking for all of these stanzas, I think that they shouldn't really be a different number of lines in each one. It isn't even, and it disturbs the balance between the stanzas.
Spoiler
I'll simply go from stanza to stanza, so allow me to begin!
When I read this first stanza. It seems like there is too much information all of a sudden, and it breaks a lot of flow and rhythm. The way the lines are cut don't make sense, and some of these lines just don't fit in. Also, instead of bursting out new information, perhaps evidence provided with the other lines would improve the stanza.
What do you mean by an "everlasting desire"? That doesn't seem to relate to the first line. In fact, taking out this entire stanza might help. It's sort of meaningless.
Why do you laugh by her side? The first three lines seemed to be good enough, however the last just doesn't really fit the stanza's topic. When someone makes a poem, normally they create the poem with a specific topic in each one. Other times, it focuses on one thing which easily relates to the title.
This time, I think this is explaining too many details. If you took out a bunch of unnecessary lines, this could probably mean less words to read, and also less words to rhyme or flow out.
Why do you weep? The last line is actually a pretty good way to end the stanza, but not always. Looking back, maybe I can somewhat understand, but I didn't really understand the meaning of this poem. You went too far in trying to cover everything without seriously explaining in short lines what they meant.
This could do with some good improvement. It does have a great deal of potential, and just needs more... spirit and effort.
I know you can do it if you tried hard enough! Keep writing!
Your rhythm and
Hey there!
First and foremost, I think the language you've chosen in this has very good effect. It crafts some particularly vivid imagery in the first stanza. I therefore praise your choice of vocab! However, in terms of how you've put it together, I'm kind of drifting between a fantasy effect and something surreal, which backs up what you've said you're writing about. Although, I wonder if I'd have thought the same without the Author's note? I'm not too sure. What I'd suggest is adding more lines that truly portray the emotions of the love and have a real emphasis on the fantasy side. Maybe cut down on the blood and darkness reference too, bring in emotion and surreality.
It's upto you, but I think "awakens" might work better here.
Who's pale and delicate shoulders? Hers? If so I think you need another "her" at the start of this because it'll improve the clarity and in reflection the conveyance of your poetry's meaning.
Hope this review helped,
Ben
Hi,
I loved the "I weep" at the end.
I'd cut references to blood and wolves and darkness etc and instead use different images to represent the danger of this romance. Forgetting paleness and raven hair, describe the girl. Suggest the vampire's feelings for her through how she is described, her little actions, the tiny details of her face and so on. What is it that makes this relationship so tragic? Show us, don't tell us.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I was not feeling this poem very much, it was lacking some sort of awe I was looking for. Most likely because I am a huge vampire fan and I believed you overplayed this. You gave to much away by telling what the poem was about. Let the reader(s) (myself and others)have a sense of what to expect. Overall, this poem was okay, try to rewrite this in a way till you don't give everything away in to first sentence. Keep Writing!
-M.H.Darling