The icy coldness of the wind,
swims through my open window,
it dances with my ink black hair,
and whispers fear to me.
I huddle under my green sheets,
a stranger they have become.
My teeth chatter in fright,
of what hides beneath my bed.
The silver moonlight,
slithers past my toes,
and rests on my terrified,
face.
The shadows dance on my bedroom wall,
I close my eyes to be rid of them,
yet even as I shut them tight,
the blackness haunts my eyelids.
A distant howl,
the creak of floorboards,
The sounds of night,
penetrate my ears.
I lay in bed,
thinking of the nighttime horrors,
that make me afraid,
to breath or sleep or cry.
Soon the sun arises,
bright and early still,
though the nightmares that I have,
shall return tonight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey. To start off, the idea to me was very cliche, and have had that said to my work a lot as well. But each person had a different way of writing, and with yours, I really like it.
I thought the most of the poem had good flow and rhythm to it, and the stanzas worked well with each other. But I thought it was a little weird when you said,
'The silver moonlight,
slithers past my toes,
and rests on my terrified,
face.'
It was a little weird reading the poem and you a random one word line. You also didn't need the comma before face.
I also thought that this seemed a little weird. 'I huddle under my green sheets,' I thought this because to me, (and it just may be me,) it seemed a little blunt. You were talking really descriptively, but suddenly changed to the bluntness of the green sheets. It might just be me, but that was what I thought.
But other than that, I thought it was really good.
You could take this poem a lot further than you have done. It's about a five out of ten at the moment for effort, and I say this because it's quite a cliched subject to pick and the imagery is pretty sub-standard, i.e. I've read a million poems like it, shadows dancing on the wall, things being under your bed when you're a kid and you're 'afraid of the dark'. I can't really fault you for the general presentation however. It was clear and easy to read, and for the most part you punctuated it well. Although I didn't quite understand this line:
'Whispers fear' just doesn't make much sense to me. Consider revising- keeping in mind all that I say to you are only my personal opinions. Ignore them by all means!
This line would read better like this:
Should be:
I liked the tone in which you ended the poem however. It was fittingly sinster and didn't follow the trend of resolution, the fact that the issue is unresolved makes it all the more interesting.
In summary, I would suggest revising the certain places in this poem where the language is quite cliched, polish up the punctuation and give it an overall tidy up. I look forward to seeing more your poems!
Cheers,
Eimear.
Hello there! This is a very good poem. I like the imagery the you give to us. As far as grammatical mistakes I didn't see any. Reading actually gave me a little bit of a chill. So all in all I really liked this! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more from you
I absolutely loved this poem. The personification of the wind and the imagery as a whole is captivating. It really makes you think about how being in the dark feels. The sounds, the shapes, it honestly is terrifying when you think about it. Try being up in your attic at night, alone, because your room is being painted. Yeah, very scary. Ha, anyways the poem was amazing.
Hmmm, I like it. It really shows the effect of being afraid of the dark.
I really like how you described the wind, it makes it seem very real to me. Overall I really like it:)