As snow dies to a fire,
that runs blue,
your white gown,
pours burning love,
on each skull.
And among water-lilies,
when the sap of the world,
and the wine of the daylight,
hit your eyes, you laugh.
Who dreams with,
a cloak of ignorance,
the stars have wept rose-colored tears,
to the evening breeze.
In each soft corner,
from violet forests,
to the fiery horizon,
sleeps peace and love.
Do all these words,
embroidered with black moss,
weep on the shoulder,
of an eternal kiss?
But endless rivers,
let me sail,
and distances me from the time,
of sour apples pale-eyed and love galore.
For in the antique dreams one never forgets,
the scented twilight,
the twisted trees.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
hey there....awesome writing...truly overwhelmed by your thoughts...amazing piece of art..only one line i would like to edit...in the fourth para..
'the stars have shed scarlet tears
into the arms of the evening breeze'
continue writing....
This was a good poem. I like how you started it. It caught me as striking. But the end...... The end didn't fit very well. It didn't have an awesome sudden stop or a sweet stop..... It was just....... BAM! DONE WITH THE POEM!! That's what I didn't like, but don't let that comment stop you from writing!!!!
GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!
~Kat
Hey Emmy, Anger here as requested.
I don't know why but this line just doesn't sit well with me, it makes me confused. How does snow die to fire, perhaps it's a metaphor or something but I just don't like it.The rest of the imagery is amazing, and I think you should take Persephonia's advice about the structure. I don't think there's that much wrong with it except for the fact that you don't actually take the time to describe the Eternal Kiss.Hope this helped,
Anger.
Wow, I love it! Your poem is beautiful and I can totally visualize your poem in my head whenever i read it!
Hi there Emmy,
I have to say before we start that you have a real talent for imagery and word choice. This is one of those poems that is a privilege to visualize. However, I did find myself having a few hiccups with fluency.
You see, in your poem, you've punctuated every single line to end with a comma and that merely makes the whole pace seem forced and the fluency extremely choppy. There's no natural rhythm here. For example, in the first stanza, all your lines are so short that when punctuated it is like trying to construct an image at a stutter-pace. If I were you, I'd experiment with only using the punctuation every other line or easing on it a little bit - perhaps use some semi colons too.
I will end on my favourite line of your poem:
Keep writing,
Ben
Alright! Hello there, emmylou1995! I hope your day is going quite wonderfully.
Now, I know I have mentioned this countless times, but I will mention this again. I am no expert at poetry. So if anything I say here about the poem sounds remarkably dumb, don't poke fun! I am half-asleep, but I wanted to get to your reviews before I dozed off for a nap. Ah, sorry for the bothersome rambling; you probably don't care about my need for a mid-day nap, hmm?
Seeing as the many reviewers before me have addressed the small nitpicks, like that of the grammar and such, I am just going to
ramble ontalk about the poem in general. I might address a few grammatical errors, though, just because I would like to explain exactly why they are wrong so you know better than to write things in such a certain way in the near future.This is where I rip my hair out. Ha! Kidding, kidding. All of the commas that I highlighted in blue in this stanza are completely unnecessary. I understand how you must have thought that each line needed some type of punctuation, but that is actually very untrue. Think of it this way: the above stanza is basically a sentence. If you had it written out in sentence form instead of a stanza, would you have placed the commas where they were? No. Sometimes, just write it out like a sentence to see where commas are really needed. That's what I do. So, the way you had it, it would have looked something like this:
Without the unnecessary commas:
In addition to that, I would just like to address two other things that I noticed within the first stanza (basically, your first stanza was your problem stanza - the rest was great). I would like to mention how when you said "white gown," I, being female and wedding-dress-obsessed, immediately thought of a wedding dress. And then you start talking about skulls, which kind of ruins the beautiful picture of a gown I had going. Maybe that is just me, though, I don't know. Secondly, you have such wonderful and unique imagery the rest of the poem, but yet the simple "white gown" is all you throw in for this first stanza. I think if you want to stick with your type of imagery, you should change it to a more unique description, like "snowflake gown," or something. Snowflakes are white, and so you would be calling it a white gown, but in a more unique and individual way.
Overall, however, those were my only nitpicks (besides some of the other comma splices and various grammatical errors that have been pointed out beforehand by the other reviewers). You had a very, er, sophisticated voice in this piece, and I appreciated the wonderful imagery in the poem. You used very vivid and unique descriptions that painted a clear picture in my mind, like "words like black moss," and such. I was, in the least, impressed with this piece of poetry. Good work.
Keep writing.
- Mizz
That was very good.
So, I normally don't critique poetry (You're my first ever, so be warned, and don't take offense)
But I think, instead of having one big poem, have different stanza's so the flow is better.
Or if you do, make them more recognizable, so people know when to pause and breath.
~Kit
Hey. I really liked what you tried to do with this poem. I found that it took me also a couple of lines to get into it. But when I did, it was really good. What I had a real problem with, was what everyone else seemed to have a problem with. It seemed really choppy, mainly because of where you placed the lines and commas. If you think about where you want the reader to pause, then you will be able to see where the commas or new lines should go. Also, if you broke it into a few different stanzas, then it would also seem less daunting to the reader thinking they will need to read an entire stretch of writing. (Sort of what you're doing now.
) But that is up to you do decide to do. Other than that one major point, that is all I really have to say about it, except that I thought it was very good.
It toke me to read it two times to fully get it( guess I am just slow
) but I really like it! I like the words you used, it gave it a dreamy feeling.
I think i got lost because the lines felt like they were all jumbled together. If you'd like you can put spaces between the stanzas so that the reader takes a break and thinks over what they just read(unless you purposely want it like that). Also maybe rhymes would help it flow a bit more.
But good job, a bit of editing and your good to go!
Hi Emmyloud1995! First things first, I'll edit some things ...
What a lovely writing style you have! But see all those commas I've highlighted in blue? You don't need any of them. I know you want the reader to pause at the end of each line, but if the reader has any experience in poetry whatsoever, he will, regardless.
I edited a few things, but they may have been correct in the first place. Let me know if I made any mistakes.
- Abigail
I think it's great!! Wow. Very delicate, lovely language that sets the tone great. I do agree with Persephonia that you might want to make it smoother. I think it's still great as it is but I wonder if adding a sma rythm would help? Whatever you want. You did a great job of displaying the flowy, mood.(sorry if that doesn't make sense) awesome!
Your piece as it is beautiful, with gorgeous imagery, great concept. There's one major problem: It's super choppy because of where you've spaced it. If you were to space it like so, it would really help the flow. I also added in a couple of words here or there to change the flow.
As snow dies to a fire,
that runs blue down your white gown,
pours burning love on each skull.
And among water-lilies,
when the sap of the world,
and the wine of the daylight,
hit your eyes, you laugh.
Who dreams with a cloak of ignorance,
the stars have wept rose-colored tears,
to the evening breeze.
In each soft corner,
from violet forests, to the fiery horizon,
sleeps peace and love.
Do all these words embroidered with black moss,
weep on the shoulder of an eternal kiss?
But let me sail endless rivers,
and distance me from the time,
of sour apples pale-eyed and love galore.
For in the antique dreams one never forgets,
the scented twilight, or the twisted trees.
All in all, this is beautiful language, wonderfully done as it is. My changes are only suggestions, and you are the only opinion that counts ultimately.
Great job. c: