Young Writers Society

Hi there Emmy!

Okay, the first thing I have to tell you is a formatting thing. Single space this. I know on Word it wants to do that weird "add space between paragraphs" thing, but you can fix that easily under "paragraph."

The second thing I have to say is to use more punctuation at the ends of lines. It's not terribly difficult to tell where one thought ends and another begins, but it'll look more professional if you add more punctuation.

I really enjoyed some of the images you put into this poem. I really did. But the beginning almost made me stop reading. It sounded like the narrator was going to preach to girls about being shallow. But it's about a specific girl. Honestly, I'd cut out the first two stanzas altogether. I like the idea of being straightforward, and the first two stanzas say something that you say again later (in a better way, with more images) in the poem. The first two stanzas beat around the bush.

you let him in
under your clothes

I totally get the feeling that this part should be whispered if it was read aloud. Like it's something on the edge of taboo to the narrator. I love that feeling. If you put parenthesis around these lines, or put them in italics, the feeling of the quietness would be amplified.

you didn't even have second thoughts
that maybe this is a little vain
a little selfish

This makes the narrator sound bitter and whiny. I really want to like the narrator, but when the narrator sounds like this, it isn't easy. Also, it isn't saying much that you're not going to illustrate later. I'd take this bit out.

in the girls bathroom
you skip economics
so you can fiddle with your lip gloss
and stuff more cloth inside
your left bra cause
your left breast is a little smaller

I really like this stanza. The littlest details are the ones with the most impact, I say, and the detail about her stuffing her bra really illustrates what kind of person she is. The one suggestion I have for this stanza is to switch the first and second lines. Also, say because, not "cause."

I would tell you to forget him
I'd tell you to walk away
I would tell you to burn your makeup
but you'd likely hide it
in your underwear drawer
or beneath your bed

Honestly, I think your preachy tone comes from stanzas like these, when it's an "I told you so" moment. A little of that tone goes a long way, and this stanza is dripping with that tone.

you got drunk.
you faked a smile,
you slept for a while,
naked and cold and laughing.
you drove home afterward.
you didn't call; you should have.

So is this where the girl dies? In a drunk driving accident? It's a little unclear. Don't come out and say that she did, but hint at it a little more. I'm not sure if I'm reading it correctly (I punctuated it correctly; it was bugging me).

In the stanza after that, "its" should be "it's."

I think about how

Omit this line; it's not necessary.

death didn't care
he took you and called out
checkmate

You need to signal that death is speaking here. I like how "checkmate" takes up its own line. Perhaps capitalize it? It's very important to the poem, and it would emphasize the word. Especially since you don't capitalize the other lines in your poem.

your life was deep and beautiful
terribly strange and brilliant
we swam beside the sharks
and they were our friends

The first two lines don't show, they tell. You do a very good job of showing with the rest of your images. But the first two lines can be improved. Make them about the ocean. Your audience will get that you're actually talking about her life.

but now the shallows are still
and you are still and cold
and ashen faced

Omit the second and. Add a semi-colon after cold.

but your coffin was made shallow
to match your personality

The last line isn't really doing it for me. Perhaps you could say instead, "to match who you became." It would make more sense, since her personality wasn't always so shallow, just after her mother died and she was trying to hide her grief.

Altogether, I really like your images. Don't forget to add more punctuation! I hope this review was helpful Happy poeting!

Hi emmy! Overall, I like the story here, but it feels really long. I'm not sure if it's because of the double-spacing or what. I have a couple suggestions for stanzas to cut.

the world around you begs
for you to see it
so you see it
but you do not strive
to understand it

I feel like this stanza doesn't say much, so I'd cut it. I might put the later images about deep and shallow water here, so we can see the transition in her personality.

you didn't even have second thoughts
that maybe this is a little vain
a little selfish

Wait, so she went to go sleep with some random guy? I'm not sure how that's selfish. Stupid, possibly, but not selfish. This stanza doesn't add much to the narrative in any case.

you drove home afterward
you didn't call, you should have

Okay, so did she abandon the speaker and not even call? Is that how she was selfish? And how precisely did she die? I know I've already said this piece seems long, but you don't have to add a lot to do this.

your life was deep and beautiful
terribly strange and brilliant
we swam beside the sharks
and they were our friends

I don't think you need the first two lines here. The images of the water show this much better.

Also, you have no punctuation and inconsistent capitalization. I think this was a stylistic choice, but I wasn't a fan. I think normal punctuation would make it easier to read.

Overall, this is an intriguing story with some solid images. I think some bits could be cut out so it doesn't feel as long though. Good job and keep writing!