Hidden Veins
Pale lips the glossy texture of thy blood,
and nimble limbs that pluck at hidden veins,
upon which plays a passionate flood of,
unbearable love, unspeakable pain.
An emotion of the past is now lust,
weeping, the earth is soaked with suffering
from losing that in which thou placed thou trust,
raise thou absent love as an offering.
Amiss are those who wander aimlessly,
desiring the things they cannot have,
upon wishing on the stars one must plea
for the truth: That love only leads to tears.
A face stained with beautiful tears of salt,
draining ones strength and on pride an assault.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Hey!
I really liked this piece - at first glance when i saw the Old English i thought it was going to be kind of corny, but after getting the feel for it and reading it through - i loved it!
Not really anything i would change besides swapping one or two of the 'thou' for 'thy' but that's already been said so i'm going to tell you for the 11th time.
Keep writing - You're really good!
-PurpleHeart
You have a wonderful way of describing your thoughts. The description creates a wonderful picture and I liked the comparisons. Keep up the good work!!!
Awesome work!! I liked the Skakespearean English, it really added to the overall effect of this poem. I do agree, though- I would switch one of the thou's in the poem with a thy, just because I am not a huge fan of repeating words over and over. All in all, great work- I give it an eight out of ten!
I really did like this poem, you clearly have talent in writing poetry. The imagery used is at some points very vivid. The other times are a little cliche, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. When you use three "Thou"s in a row, i would replace one or two of them with Thy which in one case is proper english. I'm still confused why it switched back to old english, but i'm exhausted so i could be misreading something. I think with a few extra looks and revisions this could be an excellent piece. Well done