Chrysanthemum

Hello.

This isn't quite there for me yet. You've got something pretty but it's lacking gel, leaving a bunch of stray hairs poking out and making the whole thing fall apart.

I think part of it is I expected a little more chrysanthemums after you mention them, considering that word is your title. Instead, the imagery is stopped and you go into general flower images, never mentioning rust or clockwork again.

It's also a bit lopsided. You go from no metaphors and imagery to speaking pretty much exclusively in flowers and ending in fire and back to the same tone in the last line as the first line of the poem, which leads to me struggling to find how they fit together. Even though you reference part of the introduction when you talk about stretching skin, it's still very disconnected from the flower imagery you establish outside of that. The only connection between the flower images and the beginning is the fact she ripped off her skin to reveal flowers.

Part of me also thinks I don't understand the full depth of the flower references and there's a whole layer of meaning behind all the flowers you've selected that I simply don't know. Reading it over I'm guessing the forget me nots refer to how the narrator wants the relationship to continue. However, I don't have the base level understanding of whatever flower metaphors you're getting at to really bring this poem together.

You also have some lines that just don't flow very well, such as "I bathe with ripped painted-lady butterfly wings", which I tripped over multiple times. Reading this over out loud will probably help you catch any other bad spots.

All in all, this is pretty and there's a story behind it, but the images didn't feel cohesive and you leave a lot of threads hanging (such as the clockwork— I feel like it's supposed to mean something but it doesn't get expanded on) and placed instead of explored.

Of course, this could be your style. It's not mine. I can tell there's a lot of conscious thought behind this poem, but unfortunately it feels oh so slightly off.

Good luck. Let me know if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

awesome. I really love this.

When I imagined all of this while reading it was quite interesting. While I was imagining this, I thought you could almost turn it into a short story or even a novel itself. It shows that you have the talent and the strength to do so if you ever decide to. The emotions in this poem are extremely strong yet amazing. While I imagined this the emotions made my heart skip a beat in a way. I know that sounds strange but I'm not quite sure how to explain it. lol I am curious though what you were thinking while you wrote this? but then again i shouldn't be prying. I do hope you continue to write, I'm looking forward to more of your work in the future.

THIS IS SO FREAKING SAD AND SO FREAKING AWESOME!

I want to cry and I want to smile. I'm smile-crying.

I love you word choice!

Truth be told, I really found no actual nitpicks. I give you:

FIVE

STARS

OUT

OF

FIVE.

WAIT, SCRATCH THAT.

A HUNDRED STARS!



Keep on writing!