I Would Fly, But I'm too Afraid Of Heights

Tears of silken pain

Fall upon my cheeks

Acid in a flask.

My eyes burn.

What I see is hatred,

What I feel is fear.

I waste away,

A single snowflake.

Fragile.

But the unforgiving winds

Swell,

And steal with them

My twisted beauty,

My diamond shining ugly,

My fragility.

I tried to rise from the ground,

But found my legs

Were broken.

 

Suicide.

So beautiful a concept.

So hideous a thing.

Two by two.

Tear by tear.

Cut by cut.

A chain around my ankles,

Skin scraped away.

Blood drips,

I lick it to mask my sorrow

From those who would

Deny it.

My Mother.

My Father.

Myself.

I am weak.

 

I hide my face.

I turn from the camera.

Only silence,

As the ending draws

Near.

I never had a chance.

I wish upon a star,

For courage.

For confidence.

Catching teardrops

In my hands.

I wait for an answer

From God,

That never arrives.

A letter to tell me I can leave.

I can fall.

I can waste away,

In a desert filled

With wilted roses,

Time-ravaged birch trees,

And humble pigeons.

 

I ask myself,

When will the day come,

when I am

Fixed?

When will the day come,

When my clockwork

Is not rusted,

Is not frozen,

But rather lit on

Fire?

 

Insanity is the truth,

it is safe.

To be sane is to be insane.

A chasm opens

beneath my toes,

I slip.

I try to catch my balance.

I try to grab hold of something,

Of someone.

They all turn,

Blind.

They care,

But they do not care enough

To grasp my palm.

To keep me above the chasm.

The sorrow.

The fear.

They only turn their backs,

On me,

And I transform into a victim.

A victim all along the

Journey.

A victim of my own

creation.

I would rather wear

The crown of thorns

Than the crown of secrecy

already prickling

at my scalp.

 

Even as I stand here,

Waiting for nothing,

I can feel my world

Shattering.

A thousand puzzle pieces.

The big picture grows

Faint.

Fuzzy.

It disintegrates into

Nothing.

The longer I spend trying

To put my puzzle back

Together,

The quicker I lose sight

Of who I am.

Of who I was.

Of who I need to be.

And every day there seems

To be one less person

To talk to.

To confide in.

To love.

 

What does it mean to be

Yourself?

Do your actions dictate

Who you are?

Does who you are

Dictate your actions?

For every answer,

There seems to be

another twenty questions.

How do I know

Which to ask and

Which to keep

Quiet?

 

Silver blood

Courses

Through my veins.

Am I to take the test

of enchantment?

No.

I am to be the source of

Mockery.

The place where

Angels

Turn away in disgust.

The place where

Children

feel the need to hide.

To mask themselves

In my shadow.

Laughing.

Pointing.

I take such mockery

With the highest esteem.

I must deserve it.

I must claw my own

Way out.

I would fly,

But I am too afraid

Of heights.

 

If only I could push

Past these bars,

What is dormant

In me,

is waiting

Just outside the door.

So afraid of taking chances,

Cause I don't want to slip

And fall.

Forced myself

To play by the rules.

To play it safe.

Head

Stuck in the clouds,

I decide

I like the view better,

From the sky.

The ocean rages inside

Me.

Whatever the gulls call

Is what I dream.

Eerie melodies of

Sorrow and shame.

I listen close and become

A Mockingbird.

Perfectly in sync

With their voices and

Their wings.

 

Daddy's little girl has

Fallen apart.

Mommy's little girl is

Lost.

I forget to thank

the rain.

I forget to thank

the tears.

They make me who

I am.

Or I make them

What they are.

I am weak.

I fall,

Into the blackened chasm.

No one by my side.

No one to help me

Stand.

And I fall.

And I fall.

And I scream.

And I fall.

And soon enough,

The screaming transforms

Into laughter,

And I am finally

Flying.