Yellow
Laughing.
The rising sun,
a miniature canary,
the song of life.
Dancing.
The softness of butter,
the warmth of hairspray,
the aroma of curry.
Trusting.
A glass of lemonade,
the sway of a dandelion...
...the beauty of a mother.
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Canary word: Present
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139,372 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
First off- I LOVE ur name!
I really like how this poem fills the reader with a sense of happiness and warmth, even for me, who is having a very difficult time being happy. I like how you describe each object in such a short manner.
The last line does confuse me a bit, as I've seen other people's comments too. I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve there, but strangely it works. XD Does that make any sense whatsoever? Lol
"The sway of a dandelion" - My favorite line.
Overall, great job!
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
So this pretty awesome, how you have this poem just for yellow. Made me happy and sunny xD
Anyway, as someone already mentioned, the list form doesn't really suit. I think you could do way better with more of a narrative. So. It would capture a better sense and help with more and better imagery. Right now, the imagery is mediocre. Kick it up a notch, 'kay?
Yours,
Lavvi
I like this a lot. I felt this was a little bit short, so if you had more colors added to this (red, blue, etc. Using primary colors would give this a nice, artistic symbolism), it might make this seem not so incomplete. Good work with what you have so far.
This had such a warm and fuzzy feeling to it I could just melt! I loved all the imagery and the words you used were great! I can't say anything to improve on this, because I found it perfect. You should do the whole rainbow. Have you? I don't know, I'll check it out. Great job and keep up the awesome possum work!
Heya.
I found this concept interesting as well. It would have worked for just a short, sweet poem without much substance to it, but you toss in the concept of "mother" at the end of this, which puzzles me.
The line about "mother" works for a deeper metaphor, but in this poem you seem to purposely break all connections between images. You have nothing solid enough as an image, past listing nearly everything under the sun that's yellow (sun included), to really have any deeper meaning here.
This hint of something more frustrates me, because I can't see it. It makes me feeling dissatisfied with the poem, because it's so disconnected at the start and is supposed to come together in the final line, but it doesn't.
I'd work on putting coherency in here. Relate your images together more strongly, relating them to the idea they're like the beauty of a mother. Put hints of that deep metaphor somewhere in the poem so readers aren't feeling frustrated.
Overall, you have a good start. I just think the images could relate together a bit more, so the final line works.
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
I like the concept here.
The list format is okay - you make it better by the unlikely connectedness of the items within. The title has a nice alliteration and prepares the reader, but is otherwise neither good nor bad.
Good use of an ellipsis at the end. It makes the connection there more plausible psychologically, so the reader is more likely/susceptible to 'buy it.'
Overall, a nice short poem, interested for the rest of the series. My one suggestion would be to add some complexity and/or subtlety to the connections apart from color. Keep writing! =]