Part 1: Rain
Wilted roses
drop sun-bleached petals
that settle upon
the sapphire tomb
of blackened river water.
When all hope drains
the rain will wash away
the memories,
the nightmares,
and in their place
leave a brilliant
looming silence.
The door to the waterfall
is small and insignificant.
The key to the door
is a leaden heart.
The mind hushes when
dewdrops slip from leaves
and spiderwebs grow
damp from ice cold
morning teardrops.
Part 2: Soil
Foundations of stone
heavy hearted and cold,
whisper into the wind
stories of long dried blood
and softened clay
that makes the spirit shrivel.
The mountains hollow face
is home to the forgotten
birch trees
abandoned by the soil,
shadowed by the half moon,
thinning bark warmed
by the rising sun.
This is the offspring of the oak;
Saplings, with unfurling leaves
and twisted limbs
nurtured towards the sky
by elder branches,
just as a child
is raised with innocence,
with an inherited sense of wisdom
passed from ancestors
long dead.
The humble pigeon clings,
toes curled around
the single branch swaying
under the bridge
over the murky city pool
of swirling,
acrid smelling waste and water;
still the branch bends,
still the branch holds,
still the branch offers security
to all those who ask for it.
Part 3: Smoke
An orange glow stretches
from the fireplace,
snaking its nimble fingers
out into the living room
which land upon
a sleeping child
and beg for it
to wake and play.
The smoke mists
through the falling snow,
each flake
drifting to a stop and
splashing to the boiling ground
when it collides with the fervor
permeating the winter
wonderland
that has now transformed into
a charred shadow land.
Still the sun rises
and wakes us from our dreams.
Still the moon rises
and wakes us from our realities.
In the sky the sun rests
gazing over the world
crying silent tears
as war wages and gunshots fire,
crying silent tears
as babies are born and love blossoms,
crying silent tears
as wounds are animated,
crying silent tears
as old scars are wished away.
Part 4: Breath
Butterflies scatter,
and glide over the meadow
of poisonous wildflowers
and obese maggots,
wings beating upon
the sliver of courage stored
in the fiber of their being,
see the world as simple
see the world as small.
Who dreams with a cloak
of ignorance,
the falling stars have wept
rose-colored tears,
to the evening breeze;
Who flies without fear
is the fool,
for the ground is far,
but the clouds
are closer up here.
A soft breath upon
a frozen window
reveals a heart etched
upon the glass,
where passing sorrow is disposed
and the beauty of the world
is embraced by
a child naïve of sin.
The autumn draft escapes
under the door
and with it escapes the despair
but behind it trails
the wafting evidence of
beauty in the ugliest of places,
and ugliness in
the purest form of beauty;
human nature.
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Hello!
So, I really like the concept of this poem, and you have some nice lines. I think, however, you have two main problems: line breaks/line length and wordiness. Take wordiness with a grain of salt, however, since I tend to think everything is too wordy.
As an example of line breaks and dealing with lines in general - in your first stanza, you could easily take your first three lines and combine them in to one Your general rhythm is more rolling than anything, and short lines detract from that. Longer lines would allow for a reader to more easily fall in to the rhythm you're establishing, and allow for words to roll a bit more easily off the tongue. I don't have any sense of urgency or quickness in your words/tone, so you don't want the short lines to jar a reader into expecting that where it doesn't/won't happen.
On wordiness! I hope it's ok, but I'm just going to nab a few lines from your first stanza to show you partly what I mean - it's all about tightening up lines and words and making each word have a meaning and place. I did a bit of messing with line breaks, just to show you what I'm thinking in terms of lengthening your lines a bit.
Wilted roses drop sun-bleached petals
that settle upon
a tomb of blackened river water.
When all hope drains, the rain will wash away the memories,
the nightmares,
and in their place leave a brilliant looming silence.
The door to the waterfall is small and insignificant.
The key to the door is a leaden heart.
The mind hushes when dewdrops slip from leaves
and spiderwebs grow damp from ice cold morning tears.
Ok, so I changed a couple words - "teardrops" to just "tears" in the final line, for instance, because the repetition of "drops" felt choppy to my ear, and it didn't fit with what the rest of the stanza was doing. Now, there are times that's fine and makes sense or you want to jar a reader, but I didn't see a need for it - if I'm wrong, that's fine! But in my reading, I didn't see why the extra emphasis would be needed. I also messed with the "sapphire tomb" bit, because it was just too much, I thought. It's partly what I mean by tightening up writing in general - you have this lovely image of petals on rushing water, but the extra descriptions detract from the image you're presenting.
Overall, I really enjoy the idea you have with this poem, and I hope you keep working at it! If you post any further revisions on this, please let me know - I'd love to see where you take this!
Mesh