Look at the Children

Hi,

First off, I liked this poem a lot. I wrote one similar to it awhile ago, though it didn't rhyme. Well, since this one is almost perfect and the queens and kings already critiqued you...I have nothing else to say but...Nice job! I look forward to reading more from you

-Laydra

Gold or fold might work, they both can be used several ways.

Look at the children
pale with cold
hands frozen, hearts weary

as others pave streets with gold

spirits ready to fold

I won't do to many so you can come up with your own.

Thanks for all the feedback.

I can not figure out what to write for that last line. My problem is that I need it to rhyme with the word cold. Can anyone help me?

I liked it a lot, noticed that there has been many edits to it considering previous reviews.. id criticize the same things to be honest. Its great now, only thing is

"Look at the children

pale with cold

hands frozen, hearts weary

soon walk on roads of the old."

that last line.. doesnt really fit !

This is good.

I'm not going to give grammatical feedback, since that has already been supplied. I was just wondering, from my view of children in bad situations, despite all their hardships they usually seem to find something to smile about.

Thanks for posting this,

Ryan

Hi! Peanut here. Lets take a look at this;

Look at the children
with tearful eyes
fear within trembling souls
;long, uttered cries.

Look at the children
pale with cold
hands frozen, hearts weary
soon to crawl on endless roads of fire behold.[/b]

Look at those children
for one thing is known
their hearts have a gap
that needs to be sewn.

Look at all those children
without a Noah's dove
I believe they really need it
so give them all some love.

This poem has a good message, and is very straight forward. It is simple, but in a good way. Now for the critiques.

- "tearful eyes
fear within trembling souls
long, uttered cries." There are a few small problems here. First off, I think you should say "with tearful eyes." Second, the second to last line should either have a semi colon after it, or you could change the last line to "and long uttered cries." It's up to you.

- "hair plastered to their faces
wet rain falling
like a forced embrace." The rhyming here doesn't flow quite right. Maybe say "hair plastered to their face," or somehow change it around to "embraces" in the last line.

- "soon to crawl on endless roads of fire behold." This line is too long. You could just get rid of the "of fire behold" part, but I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it does need to be shortened.

- Punctuation: You definitely need some more commas inserted in your poem, though since your lines vary, there isn't one definite place to put them. Normally I'd tell you where to put them all, but I don't have a lot of time right now, so I'll just say this: Read your poem out loud, and wherever there is a natural pause, put a comma at the end of that line.

This is a good poem. The rhyming doesn't seem too forced, and nice to read. Well done.