Foxtrot
I.
Your chap stick has melted
from its plastic cradle
left in the back of the car
in the sun since Monday
it's Thursday
and the weekend inches closer
one more day to ride and slip and slide
through school
It's time to break your fast
and the honey drips
one dot two dots three
onto your pumpernickel toast
watch for the yellow bus
you are running out of time
your hairspray has caramelized
over your bangs
You are young
you do not understand the significance
of the morning dew and the rain
but you dance in it
you made me teach you the foxtrot
as the bus pulled up
and then I waved goodbye
II.
You are shackled to a world of grandeur
the ballroom whirls around you
and you keep stomping on feet
you never learned
the foxtrot
It is orchestra loud
ringing overwhelms you
and your diamonds make it hard
for you to breath they are heavy
you are sweating
under your clothes
But don't let them notice
A chandelier hangs over you
its size makes you shutter
it feels like you are trapped
under its metal under their gazes
but it is a masquerade
you cannot see them but they can see you
and you are self-conscious
out—out—out
you cannot breath and the cast-iron shackles
are itching at your ankles
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Knight Malachi here to review
So this poem was a cool poem. I really liked reading it. It seemed like a pretty light and fun poem at first, but as it went on it got more serious as it went along. Now, I see others have said this, but you have no punctuation at all. Not any commas or periods or semicolons
And towards the end it seemed to gt really sad, but overall nice job.
Keep it up!
I am in love with this, goodness this poem is so amazing that I wanted to read it again but because of the lack of time I can't, maybe someother day then.
i have to tell you that the punctuations and grammar of your poem seemed to lack. There were no intervals and no commas which kind of gave a push towards the backside for the poem. i recommend you to add punctuations and I bet this will be flaw less then
I loved how you described and wrote this poem. The message was clear and I had fun reading this. I was like glued to the screan when I started reading and trust me I blinked the least. The poem was really nice and according to me one of the very amazing ones
the storyline or plot of the poem was what attracted me the most and I have to say weel done
well thats all I have to say for now
Have a good day and happy review day
Umaima
Oooh~ Hey there, love! Knight Hannah with one of the three reviews you've been promised from the honorable Knights of the Green Room! I'm happy I finally came around to see this piece.
I will first say I like the juxtaposition between the two parts. I love especially how you managed to bring stickiness into almost every moment in the first -- how everything felt just trapped in amber until the last stanza, when the dew washed it away and we learned how to move before being taken away by the yellow bus that now feels sticky when paired with the "yellow" of honey.
Oh! Before I forget:
Shutter is what goes over a window (kind of like a door?) to close it instead of blinds. I think you meant shudder here, which is when the body kind of shakes? Just a little mistakes.
Now, I mentioned I like the juxtaposition, right? But actually, the first section is much stronger than the second. It seems like you took your time finding unique imagery and words that were just the words you wanted. The second section feels much more pedestrian -- like you just took the first words that came to you. To be fair, the first stanza of the second section is still strong, possibly because it's so close to the other section, but more likely because you chose a strong verb and image: stomping on other feet. Just be aware that from that moment on you chose common associations with ballroom dancing: diamonds, chandeliers, masquerades. We were used to getting to think in new ways with you, and suddenly we're back to this? It's colorless! You can do better, I'd think~
I'd stick with the shackles, if you want, but make them more concrete. As they are now, thrown in at the end, they almost seem like a metaphor -- not real.
Hope this review will be helpful to you! Good luck in the contest and always write with determination, loyalty, and knowledge like the Knights of the Green Room!
Knight Dragon here, with the first of your three reviews, to uphold the honor of the Knights.
I liked how in the first section you had chap stick and then all these other golden and waxy images that made me think of beeswax chap stick. The honey on the toast, and the hairspray caramelized, both pointed back to the melted chap stick.
And then you transition in the second section to this ball room and shackles and such, and the only connection I'm given to the first stanza is the foxtrot dance. How does this relate to the first section? And I thought you ended the first one with the child learning the foxtrot. That's a pretty rough jibe.
Also, is the lack of punctuation intentional? I felt you could have stressed certain parts more with punctuation.
Lastly, I feel like you didn't resolve the poem. You just finished the second section and then ended it. How does everything relate? How does it all draw together into that one central theme?
Hope this helps! In loyal service, Knight Dragon.
Actually, dragonfpheonix, you got everything right. I meant for the imagery to be that way, and I meant for there to be no punctuation. The second part of the poem is saying how the girl in the first part feels trapped inside her mind. The second half is her subconscious. About the punctuation, I meant it to have none, but I think I might add it in. It would help it to flow better. Thanks for the advice!
Well, this is a nice poem, though it doesn't seem to end at all. (Actually just adding a period would help.) It brought back some fond memories of my social dance class learning the foxtrot!
You've got some good rhythm going and a nice start. In all honesty I think you should find some spots to add punctuation, though, because it adds a lot to a poem. It can make the reader stop and think about what you're saying or make them rush on to the next line, eager to see what happens next. Anyway, it's just a suggestion! 
Good poem.
I start my reviews like:I am doing a review starting...............now! When I saw the title Foxtrot, I was like WHAT THE GINMOIG IS FOXTROT? I saw that it was a dance because it said that at the bottom, and by bottom I mean right under the thing under the title. When I clicked on it I thought it was a rhymless poem because of all the lines and it looked very poemy. But if it was .....wait a minute.....I FORGOT THIS IS THE GREEN ROOM! I guess this IS a poem. I thought Poems had to rhyme. Also, remember that I am only doing this because I like it, I like reviewing, and I need points. So I'll tell you the way I end my reviews. I end them with:So I guess............END OF REVIEW AND GOODBYE. I really mean goodbye because I might never EVER see you again. That is what my ending is except for this sentence and the sentence before this! I guess.....END OF REVIEW AND GOODBYE!