:O
Okay, Persy.
I love the associative metaphor that you work into in the second stanza. It's not straightforward. If we think of it straightforward, it seems silly. But if we open our minds to the poem, it definitely works. We just think of the light bulbs, the light they radiate as their breath. Especially if you could perhaps bring in the idea of cold, that might make this image work even better, since in the winter we can see our own breath and it looks a lot like light in a mist.
That's gorgeous, but it doesn't really fit with the third stanza. The fourth fits even less with the rest. I could buy the third stanza: there's something deliberate in the shape, which hearkens back to the shape of a lightbulb, especially when you use the word "scientific" afterward, and you do go back to the breathing there.
I think one of the problems with the fourth stanza is that it contains too quick of a 180 degree turnaround: the first three lines you're climbing out of bed, and the last you're already back -- we ask what was the point of mentioning going out in the first place? You might answer so that you could get the feeling of return, but it doesn't actually feel like you left because it was so short. Perhaps if the leaving section was longer and purposeful, we'd feel as satisfied with the last few lines as the character supposedly does in return.
I'd recommend trying to find something more concrete or awe-inspiring to be filled with than "light", which has been explored shallowly by most poets -- what is this speaker really filled with?
Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334
Donate