Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 42

~841 words

The dagger rebounded off of Shep's back with a dull thunk. Cabot looked like he had been laminated, his eyes wide in surprise, his hand frozen in midair. He swiveled his head toward the woman, who was laughing lightly.

"Oh Cabbie," she breathed between a bout of titters, "you can't kill someone when they're petrified."

"Oh," said Cabot. He rummaged around in his cape's pockets, then brought out some broken sticks.

Jay recognized them as the ones he had used to freeze Shep and the trolls in the first place. Cabot muttered a few words, and the stick halves wove together into three whole twigs. Shep, Gilfred, and Godfrey collapsed on the floor, gasping.

Cabot moved to strike Shep again, but the woman stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Cabot jumped, almost going after her instead, but he stopped himself. The woman didn't flinch, but Jay did. He hadn't seen the woman move from her seat on the couch either.

"That won't do," said the Woman, waggling a finger with a mocking smile.

"But how do I attain immortality? I thought you said that this dagger would be able to steal his!"

Jay's mind boggled. Shep's immortal?

The woman laughed again. "I can't believe you actually found a knife that fit what I described."

Cabot's hand, which had still been raised, lowered, "What?"

"I just made it up," she said simply.

"What?" Cabot repeated.

"There's no way to steal immortality from someone," she giggled. "That's impossible. That's why they're called immortal, silly."

"But I found the knife! I..." Cabot's face darkened.

"It doesn't matter, it won't work. It was a lie. I lied! Isn't it wonderful?"

Cabot slowly shook his head, backing away like it was a nightmare he couldn't wait to wake up from.

On the ground, Shep and the trolls were beginning to stand up, rubbing their heads.

"What happened?" asked Godfrey, cracking his back.

"Who's she?" Gilfred asked, staring at the woman.

"I'd like to know that too," said Fleta, who had relaxed a bit since Cabot had backed away.

"Who?" asked Shep who was facing the wrong way. Jay swirled his finger, and he turned around. He straightened in surprise. "Why, hel-lo, Mi'lady." Shep bowed. "It is a pleasure."

"Likewise, the woman said with a small curtsey.

"Jay, Fleta, Gilfred, Godfrey," he said, turning to them, "This is the Enchantress."

The woman smiled. "Pleased to meet your acquaintance. Attolicus is a good friend of mine."

Cabot moaned quietly in the corner.

"Shut up, Cabbie. You're pathetic."

Cabot glared at the Enchantress.

"Come on, comrades," she said, turning toward the door, her cloak billowing up a bit. "I have a feeling we're not wanted here."

Nobody moved.

"C'mon, C'mon," she said waving them on.

The trolls exited first, then Shep, then the Trolls and Fleta. Jay heard, on his way out, the Enchantress address Cabot. "You could have at least thanked me for the spire," she spat.

They wove back through the Spire towards the entrance. The torches that had lit their journey the first time had burnt down to nubs. As they approached the entrance, natural light flooded the hallway, and it became colder and colder. Jay began to shiver, but Fleta broke out into a smile. Jay felt a little warmer just seeing it.

The Enchantress, however, didn't seem to like it as much. "It's always so drafty up in the mountains," she said, pulling her cloak tighter. "Why don't we go somewhere a little more hospitable?"

Jay blinked, and the cold air blowing on his face suddenly became a warm breeze. He looked around and saw a ruin of columns and bricks, all made of marble.

"This used to be a temple dedicated to me," the Enchantress sighed. "It's a shame that no one has cared about it for centuries."

"Why are we here?" asked Fleta, squinting at the bright stones.

"I'd like to have a little chat with Attolicus," answered the Enchantress. She eyed Shep.

"Yes, Mi'lady, I'm afraid it's that time again." Shep said. He turned to the others "If you would excuse us for a few moments, I'm sure you can find something to talk about." With that, the Enchantress and Shep disappeared.

"My back still hurts," muttered Godfrey.

"So what happened?" asked Gilfred, "I'm still confused."

"Well..." Jay started, glancing at Fleta.

Together, they explained all about their trip, from Chicago, to Hollywood, and every stop in between.

"So all those things with the fires that burn in glass, and the inventions that can connect the entire world are true?" Gilfred asked, astonished.

"Yes!" exclaimed Fleta. "And they have these machines that can change how hot or cold it is when you're in a building! And they have these marvelous things called bathrooms!"

Fleta continued to fawn over the technologies on Earth, but Jay started wondering how he would get back home. He knew he was going to have to go back eventually. Maybe the Enchantress will be willing to let be go home, he thought.

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:08 pm

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Deanie wrote a review...

Hey Widdershins!

Things have come up IRL so I might not be able to do as many reviews as I initially planned to today, but I will still try and do as many as possible! In compensation though, you can have my 1400th review. Let's hope it is a worthy one

It looks like the whole situation has been averted. I wondered why Cabot wanted that particular dagger, and now we know who his source of information was. Yes, the Enchantress is still a very unknown character to us, but she seems to have been the cause of all the trouble the group have been through so far. I wonder if now they will simply continue with their quest to find the rest of the sheep. As well as that, I do feel a bit of pity for Cabot because he was played so badly. At the same time, I hate to think what he might've done if he became immortal. Oh, and Shep is immortal? How, what, when!? I can't wait to find out more about that. It seems Shep has a lot more to him than we originally thought, and now that everyone is free we might be able to get some more answers.

Cabot looked like he had been laminated

I wasn't sure if laminated was a good word to use here? I felt it was a bit of a funny way to describe whatever expression you wanted to bring across. Cutting out this part of the sentence and leaving it with the other descriptions you have would easily be enough for us to get the picture. No weird words necessary at all

At the beginning you mention that Jay flinches when the Enchantress turns up in an unexpected place. But the thing is, in the previous chapter he was frozen, so it was impossible for him to move. Which made me wonder how he had the ability to flinch here? Maybe you could mention that he internally flinched or something. That aside, if he has been unfrozen since the previous chapter, you should simply mention when it happened, or that he was surprised he had the ability to flinch himself as well. That would be enough to clarify it.

said the Woman,

No need for a capital letter because it isn't her name!

I thought it was realistic that Jay was surprised to discover Shep is immortal. But what about Fleta? Again, we aren't hearing enough from her in this chapter to make me feel satisfied. I wanted to know if this was new news to her or something she already knew for a long time. When Jay hears the news for the first time you could have him glance her way to see what she thought on the matter, and it would be the perfect time to show us her either surprised or unfazed. That way we could know what she does and doesn't know about her best friend.

I feel like everyone is acting a bit too ordinary about what just happened! I mean, Cabot was just about to murder Shep for his own benefits, and afterwards they all stroll out with a practical stranger and start talking about other things. I want to know Shep feels about almost being murdered! Is he in shock, does he feel like lashing out at Cabot for revenger in the spur of the moment? He does seem like someone who keeps their cool all the time, but everyone's patience has a breaking point. I also think we just needed, I'm not sure, but something more to emphasise how serious the situation they were just in was. They all seem to be acting so blasé, I feel like shaking some sense into them! Maybe you feel like you have dragged out the situation there, but really I just think it could use a bit more attention to it's aftermath and results.

They all seem to be so trusting of the Enchantress, following her out and then letting Shep wander off with her. I would be okay with them being a bit trusting of her - she did just save their lives - but what if she was taking Shep away and then her and Cabot ended up killing her after all, with less eyes to be witness to it. Or if something else happened while she was off on her way with Shep? I do understand why they trust her a bit, but a little bit more caution or suspicion never hurt anyone. And Jay strikes me as the person who would want to ask questions. Maybe to know why she wanted or bothered to fool Cabot in the first place.

I also was a bit surprised that Cabot let them go so easily. Yes, he doesn't exactly have a reason to keep them behind anymore, but the angriest he gets at the Enchantress and the complete situation is shooting her a dark look. Knowing his character I believe he would get a lot more angrier than that! I wonder what his plan was to do when he got immortal as well, which I hope is something we would be able to find out in the future. So yes, don't be afraid to let Cabot kick up a fit. It might even be amusing to read about.

It also struck me as funny that when the mysterious Enchantress and Shep depart without giving a reason as to why they are going, no one wonders about it in the slightest but they just let him go! It would be nice if they spared a thought of curiosity in that direction...

That's all I have to say! I will be back whenever I have the time to be.

Deanie x

TimmyJake says...

1400 reviews? o.o *stares in awe*
You're so awesome.

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Sun Jan 25, 2015 3:42 am

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle back again for a Review Day review!

"Oh Cabbie," she breathed between a bout of titters, "you can't kill someone when they're petrified."

"Oh," said Cabot.

This made me laugh so much! The mean, confident Cabot we saw in the last chapter has been replaced by the guy who is just getting by once again. What are we going to do with you Cabbie? (hehe, I don't think I'll ever get over that nickname xD)

Wow. You got us good there. I was so sure that the Enchantress was on Cabot's side. You really did a good job with that plot twist. I did not see it coming at all. It works because you set it up so well. You made us think that the Enchantress was working with Cabot because of what she was telling him. And of course that adorable nickname xD Then you turn right around and have her turn her back on him.

Now, to be honest, I really have no idea what to think of the Enchantress. I know that she isn't working with Cabot, but with how quickly she was able to turn on him and get him to believe she was on his side, what's to say she won't do the same thing now to Shep? I know that I should trust her, but I just don't.

I'm left wondering about Cabot now. I mean, did they just leave him there and walked away without something happening? Wouldn't he be just a bit mad about the Enchantress lying to him? I feel like he would be. Sure he glares at her when she goes to leave, but that's it. He doesn't hassle her for an explanation or complain about having to travel through a new world all for nothing. He seems to just be pouting in the corner. Which is something I don't think he'd end up doing in Trevon. On Earth, yes. Trevon? No. This is his home, he knows this place. He knows the Enchantress and what she can do. I was expecting a fight or at least an argument, but neither of those happened. It seemed a little too easy for them to just leave.

Oh, along with that, why aren't Shep and the trolls mad? I'm sure they remember being frozen in the first place and running into Cabot. Now they've met him again and they just walk away. I feel like you missed out on some great opportunities here. There is so much more you could've done with this scene. It's great the way it is, but you could've given it so much more.

I don't have much else to say because Timmy covered it all. ~~I really have to stop slacking and get here before him or something.~~ I'm still quite impressed with how smoothly this novel moves along. Even in the travel back to Trevon, you don't miss a beat. Everything is happening chronologically and it just all fits. I'm impressed.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Wed Jan 14, 2015 3:16 am

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TimmyJake wrote a review...

Timmy heeeere! :3

So you did it again. >.< A plot twist that just made me spin around in circles going: wut wut wut wut. They've been going for ages with Cabot ~~Cabbie~~ and now after he has finally found the weapon she said would work, and it doesn't do what he wanted. o.0 And it was all due to this unnamed Enchantress that it all came to be. I don't see a motive yet for her telling Cabot that, since her and Shep seem to be good friends and why oh why would she want to pull Shep into trouble like that? But I will be patient and wait for the answer in the upcoming chapters. I really do like her character, though. The reviewers below complained about her laughy and giggly attitude over everything, and while that may be annoying for the situation they're in, well, it's her. She is a very unique person, and if she laughs and makes everything into a giggly situation, then hey! It's her personality, and something that makes her who she is. I like it. ^.^

Cabot moved to strike Shep again, but the woman stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

At this point, I am wondering where Jay is? He was trying to stop Cabot in the previous chapter, but now he seems like a little bystander just looking on at the unfolding events. Shep seems as though he's about to be killed. And both Jay and Fleta aren't lifting a finger to try and stop him. Perhaps they could do that? The Enchantress could hold them back with a snap of her fingers or something. Just to see that they made the attempt would be enough for the reader, as long as you continued to remind them that Jay was looking on in dismay since he couldn't do anything. The reader needs to know where the main character's place in the story is - always.

which had still been raised, lowered, "What?"

Period after lowered

asked Godfrey, cracking his back.

Hold up one second. Where is their discomfort? Their groans? Their stretching and general complaints as they become limber once again? One thing I have been noticing as your chapters go on is a lack of detail. While many writers put needless detail into their chapters, you tend to be on the opposite side of the spectrum, putting in too little. I would love to see more reaction from the trolls (and more noise), as well as something more from Shep. As it stands, it seems as though Godfrey and Gilfred woke up from a five minute nap, and Shep just walked into the room. They've been petrified for days - possibly even weeks. o.0 I think they would feel more.

Reading through this, I see too many paragraphs. Sometimes it seems as though you took fuller paragraphs and pulled them apart, forcing them to become single thoughts in themselves. And while that may be okay for a few instances (like when trying for a boom affect), it doesn't do your piece justice. I would try to pull many of the single sentence paragraphs together, such as the one below--

Cabot moaned quietly in the corner.

"Shut up, Cabbie. You're pathetic."

Cabot glared at the Enchantress.

--by working with the sentence to pull them together into one paragraph. Because this is all technically one idea, but just one that has been given a separate paragraph - as though it's a super important or life-changing sentence. Work with them, and see if you can weave many of these sentences together in your edits.

"Likewise, the woman said

Missing quotation marks at the end ^^

squinting at the bright stones.

Hmm.... This was a confusing description, since stones aren't bright by themselves. This is one of the descriptions you should expand upon, telling the reader why they are bright. Is the sun shining down on them, glinting off the stones? Use your poetry talents and knowledge to your advantage here, and craft a teary description. I know you can. c:

With that, the Enchantress and Shep disappeared.

I spy a lack of detail in this part. They disappeared? How? Like, did they disappear into a crack in the mountain for a quiet talk, or did they just vanish. This part needs more detail in order for me to be appeased. heehee

So this chapter was good. Not your best chapter, since I thought it was lacking in the detail I was so excited about in the previous chapter, but still very good and fun to read. The part with Cabot does seem strange and out of character, how he is just moaning in the background and doesn't make an offensive move towards them, but we'll see. I just expected him to try and hurt Shep or the Enchantress. Make sure he makes an attempt to do that in the next chapters, because if he doesn't, it just won't be him. He has always seemed a violent person and this chapter seemed to quiet down that side of him when it would have been most prominent. Perhaps he is holding all that back. I am happy to see Shep and the trolls alive and well, because I was really missing them in this story. AND THEY'RE BACK. The trolls especially are fun, since they are so good at causing mischief. I didn't spot their ever-present slang and accent in this chapter, though, which seemed a bit odd. Be sure you bring that back into the following chapters. It was one of the many things I had come to associate with them, and I knew they had spoken even without you having a tagline after their speech. I am now wondering what happens next. :3 And where are the sheep? o.0 It has been so long, I have forgotten where they were when we left Trevon. xD I suppose that will be their next move in the book - to go and get them.

Keep working on implementing more detail into these chapters. They need just a bit more. c:
~Darth tIMMYjAKE

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Tue Jan 13, 2015 4:13 am

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Ventomology wrote a review...

Hello there! It's been a while since I reviewed your work, hasn't it? My apologies.

Anyways, having jumped back into the fray, it appears that the quest in the modern world is finished, and there are still more plot twists.

Onwards:

My first comment is that the character's emotions have little description or action to back them up. What sort of faces would Fleta make while fawning over earth technology? What about the trolls? It helps, not only for visual effect, but also with characterization. (For instance, Fleta could fawn with a more dreamy expression, or she could fawn with bubbly intensity.)

Also, I know that you are a poet. Use your poetic devices! Your verbs are lovely, personifying, and strong, but where I remember seeing plenty of similes and metaphor, I find none. I felt that they added a lot of character to your writing, and I miss them very much.

In other areas, I am very intrigued by this Enchantress. (By the way, her morbid humor is a wonderful trait. I don't see it often.) Her connection to Shep (or is it Attolicus?) is a good twist, especially given her evil impression. I'm sure you've described her before, but it's not bad to give a few reminders sometimes. Often, the habits and gestures of a character are the best places to slip in those details.

Over all, I am pleased with the way this story is progressing. (And also glad to see everyone back in Trevon.) You may have guessed that I haven't been keeping up with the story, but I shall get back to it when I have more free time.

Until then,
-Buggie

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Mon Jan 12, 2015 7:21 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Hello,pretzelsing here for a review,!

I jumped into the middle of the story so this story is out of context and a little bit confusing to me but please just try to bear with me.
I would imagine, when the Enchantress saved the trolls and boys, I think that this part of your story should be way more epic,imaginative, and descriptive. Isn't this like a very memorable moment in the story? Make it stand out. Here is a suggestion. Instead of what you wrote here:

"Oh Cabbie," she breathed between a bout of titters, "you can't kill someone when they're petrified."

In this sentence it shows the lady stopping Cabie from killing the others.I don't understand why she has so much humor and is laughing. This is not a funny mood or the time to joke or laugh. I feel that this is a scary and murderous moment. I don't think that the laughing is appropriate. I would write something like:
She swiftly grabbed the dagger out of Cabbie's murderous blood-thirsty hands or
The woman turned around, and seeing that Cabbie was about to pounce shouted a decidely mad "NO!"
This is how I would do it and it is only a suggestion.I would just make it way more exciting and epic.

In these couple of sentences:

The woman laughed again. "I can't believe you actually found a knife that fit what I described."

Cabot's hand, which had still been raised, lowered, "What?"

"I just made it up," she said simply.

"What?" Cabot repeated.

"There's no way to steal immortality from someone," she giggled. "That's impossible. That's why they're called immortal, silly."

I like that you used the tactic of a plot twist but what I don't understand is why you made this big revelation so simple. Shouldn't this secret or even joke be unclothed and opened in a better way? This is way too simple in my opinion. You don't have to take my advice but I would consider coming up with a more creative approach.

Also I would like to point out this:

"C'mon, C'mon," she said waving them on.

I think that you should do Come one because C'mon is slang and it looks very unprofessional. But also the normal accepted way is three times.

In this place:

"So what happened?" asked Gilfred, "I'm still confused."

"Well..." Jay started, glancing at Fleta.

Together, they explained all about their trip, from Chicago, to Hollywood, and every stop in between.

You could totally expand on their explanation to let us know as the reader or reviewer what happened. Instead of just explaining about their trip, give us a brief summary, it would help a lot.

Overall, this chapter has potential and it is acceptable but in my opinion it needs way more work and editing.I hope that this review helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing.

-pretzelsing

Young Writers Society

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 42

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