Young Writers Society

Heya Fortis!

Happy review day!

Today I am going to try and power through as many chapters as I possibly can of your novel, because I have been lagging behind lately and I feel a bit bad for doing so :/ So let's see how far I can get! This one might be a pretty short review because you have some awesome comments already and I don't have much to add...

Ooh, it looks Cabot has betrayed them! I almost thought he felt guilty when he hit Will and knocked him out in such a vicious way because he wouldn't meet their eyes, but it looks like this isn't the case. We should've known he wouldn't have kept his word. And then there is this mysterious lady who has suddenly slipped into the story. She definitely looks exotic and I get the impression that she is even more powerful than Cabot, which can't be any good news for Jay and Fleta, especially in their drastic situation. I really how he doesn't harm Shep or that Jay can think of something although the situations look pretty dire at the moment...

I found it interesting that they obeyed Cabot when they were on earth. Seeing as he had put down the brick he used to knock out Will, that means he had no weapons or leverage over them. What would he do if they didn't obey them? I do understand why they did though - one look at Will would be enough to make me do whatever he says. And also the impression we get that the ritual would take them back to the other world anyway. But I don't get the impression that is why they are listening - it strikes me they are listening simply because they feel they have to. So maybe you should change the reasoning. Have Jay glance at Will's body, and then at the pentagon and decide to listen only because of that, and not because Cabot is Cabot.

When they are all stuck in the room and everything is unfolding, Jay calls out and tries to stop Cabot from whatever he is doing, even though he can't move. And Fleta does... nothing? I feel like she was a bit forgotten here. I mean, Shep is someone who she cares a lot for because he took her in, if I am remembering correctly. I feel like she should be the one to try and act as well, even if it would be in a more quiet manner than Jay is doing. Or she might cry... or something. I just felt like she wasn't mentioned enough in the scene where Cabot arrives back home. I wanted to see more of her.

Maybe. Jay was no doctor.

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Cabot is most definitely feeling like the villain again. I love it! I feel like there was less to do with him when they were on Earth because he didn't know the place. I've decided that that's the reason he was acting less... evil. Now he's back in Trevon and he has control of the situation. Even the way he acts and talks is different. Were we maybe seeing his weak spot when they were on Earth? That would be interesting. The villain always has something that is their undoing. Maybe this is it for Cabot. Fleta and Jay don't seem scared of him at all ever since their first day on Earth. This could really come in handy for them later.

I like the part in here about what it felt like to go through the portal. Obviously we don't have portal travel in real life so it was important that you showed us what it felt like, even if it was something little. It's those little details that really make a story work.

Aw man, another villain? This is the best. This new lady is very interesting. I feel like she's the sorceress that turned all the royalty into sheep. Might I be right? Wait, don't tell me, I want to figure it out when the characters do Anyway, I like the addition of her into the story here. Villains usually have sidekicks or other people working with them. This woman seems to be one of them, obviously. My point is, with Cabot working with someone else, it'll be hard for Jay and the others to stop him. On his own he'd be able to take down. With this other woman though, it'll be harder for them.

Noooo! How could you do this to us?! You're gonna leave us with this kind of cliffhanger?? No fair. Well, the good thing about me being behind is that I don't have to wait to read the next chapter

I always thought that Cabot would betray them and go back on his promise. He never seemed like a honorable kind of guy to me. Which of course, I was right about. Now it all makes sense why he needed to freeze Shep. It's easy for Cabot to kill him when he can't fight back. Oh that evil genius. I think I've underestimated Cabot way too much. Maybe we should actually look out for him.

Alright, let me go see what's waiting for me after this cliffhanger. Hopefully it's something better than the worst that I'm assuming.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

I am going to very slowly make my way through the chapters I missed in no particular order...

Now then, like Timmy said, this is pretty great in terms of description. The poetic devices I was missing in the next chapter are still here, and you keep things short and sweet.

My only problem with this style is that, like an artist using colors from a photograph, the details do not stand out as well as they could. When I paint, I exaggerate the colors and lines and contrast so that the painting seems brighter and more vibrant than the photograph. I get it; it's good to be real. But a little hyperbole (especially with emotion) never hurts.

Also, I know Timmy mostly went over the whole "Fleta-and-Jay" thing, but I think what he said there can apply elsewhere. Jay is just so objective. His thoughts on everything, and how he reacts to every detail, greatly affect how the scene is perceived. Like at the end, how fast is the world around Jay progressing? Does this all happen before he can process it, or does the world slow down and make him feel like he could have done something?

In other news, this is a great chapter in plot-ey stuff. I can only imagine how stressful it would be to wait to read the next chapter after an ending like this! I kind of wonder what happens to William, but everyone's back in Trevon anyways, so I'm sure I'll forget that at some point. I think even if I hadn't read chapter 42 first, I would still like the Enchantress. I mean, anyone who calls Cabot "Cabbie" has to be pretty great.

Lovely work, as always! I'll probably scroll through my reviews so I can figure out where I left off, and then hopefully start from there.

Ciao!
-Buggie

Timmy heeeere

Is this the shortest chapter yet? o.o I actually didn't notice it shorter than usual when I read it, because you filled this chapter with so many lovely goodies, I wasn't paying attention while reading it. I thought this chapter was much better than the one before, and I love how much more attention to the descriptions you're giving us. Especially the ride back to Trevon. That was very good, even though it was short. I still felt as though you had given us a very good description. But that is one thing with your style - always tight, and just as much as we need to see. Nothing more. It keeps your story moving, establishes your pace. And helps us focus on what needs to be paid more attention. Because especially with this chapter, I can see everything as we go along. But there isn't too much description, where it clogs the page and makes everything else less important because it's hard to find them. Not too much. Not too little. PERFECT.

“Oh stop staring at me like that

He would be okay then.

They did what they were told.

Soon, they landed in the World-Between-Worlds

“Well isn’t it convenient that I’m

locket and smiled a small smile at whatever

“Well, what are you going to do with it?

I feel betrayed by Cabot...how could he do this?!