Chapter One
Ala ran up to the teacher, crying. "Mrs. Vicky, Rocky knocked over my tower! I was so close to finishing!"
Mrs. Vicky bent down to Rockys level, "Rocky, did you knock over her tower?"
"No..."
"Go to the corner Rocky, you know you shouldn't lie."
Ala blew a raspberry at Rocky from behind Mrs. Vicky. Rocky glared at her, before turning to face the wall.
Ala skipped away, but found that her spot had been taken by some of the other preschoolers. She crossed her arms, and huffed, when the computers caught her attention.
At one of the desks, a boy was watching as the green fish from his games eyes began to swirl. Ala cocked her head, and hurried over. She watched from over his shoulder.
"Woah, what was that?" She asked him.
"He ate something funny, I think." Said the boy.
Ala looked at him. She tried to place his name, but couldn't quite remember. "What's your name again?" She asked.
"Henry." He said.
Ala grinned at him, then looked back at the computer. She watched him click around the screen, trying to figure out where he should go next.
"Wouldn't it be cool if we could be mermaids?" Ala asked.
Henry looked at her, eyes squinted. "Maybe." He said, and then went back to his game.
Ala wilted a bit, and wandered back to her usual haunt. She began drawing mermaids on the board, trying to add as much detail as possible. When she finished, she took a step back to admire her work.
"Impressive." Someone said behind her. Ala glanced over, Henry was gazing up at her picture. "Can I have a go?"
Ala handed him the chalk, slightly reluctant. He quickly began to draw some waves and fish. Ala grinned.
"It's perfect!" She squealed.
Henry smiled. "I can draw merman too. Wanna see?" He asked, already stepping back towards the board.
"Yes!" She watched him draw one that looked suspiciously like him, with brown hair, and brown eyes.
Ala and Henry continued to take turns drawing mermaids, each applauding each ones works.
"Ala, you ready to go?" Her Dads voice said from behind her.
"Daddy! I don't wanna go yet!" Ala cried.
"Your going to your Grammys this afternoon." He said.
"Can't I stay a little longer?"
"You can stay the whole night, if you want."
Ala whined. "Fine." She sighed. She turned and faced Henry. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"See you tomorrow."
"Do you want to play together again?" She asked.
"Yeah!" He said. "Maybe we can be the mermaids tomorrow?"
"Alright!" Ala said, beaming from ear to ear. "Bye!"
And with that, she turned and left.
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138,707 Literary Works • 672,250 Reviews
Hi, I really liked this first chapter! I thought the preschool idea was really cute and you did a really good job at keeping the fun and playful tone through the way the characters acted and you did a good job embodying the characters as kids. I also really liked how you still kept the writing mature so while the story was childlike it still felt easy and fun to read through the control of your writing!
I feel like the dialogue from when the dad shows up to end could be clarified a bit more so you understand who's saying what because while it is understand it was a bit confusing at first with certain sentences as to which character was saying what.
Cant wait to read more!
Hi, I really liked this first chapter! I thought the preschool idea was really cute and you did a really good job at keeping the fun and playful tone through the way the characters acted and you did a good job embodying the characters as kids. I also really liked how you still kept the writing mature so while the story was childlike it still felt easy and fun to read through the control of your writing!
I feel like the dialogue from when the dad shows up to end could be clarified a bit more so you understand who's saying what because while it is understand it was a bit confusing at first with certain sentences as to which character was saying what.
Cant wait to read more!
Hello, It's me again here with a review for you on this lovely day. I've been wanting to read your story for a very long time, and today I decided I would have a look, and I'm really happy I did. I can see this turning into a very good story, I have a feeling Ala ends up having feelings for Henry, I'm not sure if it will happen but I have a small feeling.
Though I do see a true friendship happening, they have bonded really well over this chapter, and I have the small feeling that Ala might be a trouble maker, by the way she acted in the beginning of the chapter when that little boy got in trouble.
And Henry seems to be the more calm I'm going to mind my own business type of guy, and I have a feeling they will stay together for along time, and Ala will make Henry come out of his shell, and he will calm her down a little.
I don't know I'm just assuming things for the future chapters.
I couldn't see anything wrong with this chapter I thought it was written really well and I enjoyed it a lot, it was filled with cuteness!! <333 I hope you will keep writing this story because I really liked this first chapter and you have me hooked really well, I would also love to be tagged for the next chapter! Have a great day or night and keep writing!
Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!!
Reviewing with a fiery passion, and I'm onto the next chapter!!
Awww! So cute! I really liked this chapter. I just finished reading your latest one and it got me so hooked I had to go straight to the beginning to find out how it all started. I really like this story and I can't wait to read more. Such a promising beginning, but I suspect that this story will have a lot of heartbreak.
Keep writing!
-Shieldmaiden
Aww, I'm dying right now!! This is so cuuute! Ahhh!!
Hello there, by the way. It's me, Libby. I hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. Alright, on with the review.
So first of all, the preschool thing. I love it. I don't think many people would write a book on preschoolers, and when I read this, I instantly fell in love with how light-hearted, not depressing, very cute this turned out.
Okay, now time to take description. So I see that you did add a little details in the first bit of the chapter. But then the last bits... Um, not so much. Maybe tell us or show us about the other classmates. Maybe even Rocky? You could say what the teacher was doing. You could say how the father looked like; tired from work, feeling well, happy, irritated (I know he's talking to his preschool kid, but there still could be a chance.)
Apostrophe before the "s" in the bold word.
Dunno if this i the way little kids talk or something, but just pointing it out in case. The bold word needs to be "mermen" instead. Or maybe if you added an "a" before the bold word, that would've been great too.
Apostrophe before the "s" in the bold word.
Apostrophe before the "s" in the bold word again.
That's it for my review. Hope this helped in one way or the other. Also, d'ya mind tagging me for the future chapters as soon as I've caught up? Of course, if you've got any questions, you know what to do. Ask.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thanks for the review!
Not a problem!
Hallu!Here to rescue this adorbs story from the green room.Thats quite a unique story quite a few novels feature pre school heroes.But i guess since this is humorous so pre schoolers are gonna play an important part here.Ala is so cute i immediately fell in love with her.I noticed a few mistakes which areeee:
I dunno this sentence is soo confusing maybe puntuate it a bit.
I think it would be better to replace the second each
Lol!U r a boss dad
And thats all
Keep Up the Excellent Work
peace out
Thank you!
Okay this was really cute. I love that the main character is a preschooler, cuz that's not something you see often unless it's a children's book. I don't see how the title plays in, unless it's about a blooming relationship between Ala and Henry, but I'm sure that will become more evident later on, and don't stress too much about the title because they are extremely difficult to get right, especially for novels and poetry.
So, this may be a little nitpicky, but I noticed it seems you could actually connect some of your paragraphs, such as 6 and seven, and a couple of times you would start a new paragraph for the dialogue when you didn't need to, such as in paragraphs 7 and 8, and 12 and 13.
Anyways, loved what I've read so far, this is really cute and funny and I can't wait to see how the rest of the story plays out! I love how you kept it short and it had lots of dialogue, as I know, personally, long paragraphs tend to bore me, but this was a great intro into the rest of your story, and it most certainly did not bore me at all.
Keep writing! Can't wait for future chapters!