z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fourth wall is Falling

by Horisun


Lucas stared into the eyes of the Dark lord. They were redder than fire, they stood out against the gray horizon. He held is sword ready. He's going to pay for everything he's put me through!

"Lucas... We meet at last!" Said the Dark Lord. "Do you think your ready?"

"Yes-" Lucas started, when suddenly, a cracking sound echoed through the land.

"What's happening?" Hissed the Dark Lord.

An old man with a crystal ball ran by. "Just as I predicted... The Fourth Wall is falling."

"Huh?" Lucas asked, but the old man ran by. He looked back at the Dark Lord, but he was a second to late, the Dark Lord slashed his cheek. 

"Gah!" Lucas shouted. He clumsily through a hit at the Dark Lord again. Fury burning within him. He was going to win this!

James, this is for you! Lucas stabbed at the Dark Lord with all his might, the Dark Lord blocked just in time, they both fell backward and hit the ground.

"Uh!"

Crack!

Lucas gasped as a crack appeared in the sky, words appeared behind it.

Another thundering sound echoed through the land. But it didn't end there, a young voice, louder then a hurricane spoke.

"'Lucas stared at the sky in shock.' Where on earth is the author going with this?" The voice said.

"What the..." The Dark Lord watched as the rest of the sky fell away, revealing hundreds, if not thousands of words in its place, and slowly, a girl could be seen behind them. Lucas jumped back in shock when the girl repeated what the Dark Lord said. He looked back over at him, the Dark Lord looked back.

"We're not real, are we?" Lucas asked.

" 'We're not real, are we' Lucas asked. panic rising in him. how? How could this be?'" The girl echoed.

The Dark Lord stood up. "Of course we are, we're just from another dimension. Now that that silly fourth wall has fallen, I know what the author planned for us." The Dark Lord said, ignoring the girls echoes.

"For me to kill you?" Lucas asked.

"No." The Dark Lord grinned at Lucas.

"'Lucas frowned at him, confused, until the girl read the next sentence.' Wait? What? No. Don't even think about it." The voice said. "I refuse to read it."

"Then I'll say it." The Dark Lord said. He took a deep breath before he began to sing. "Fly, fly, through the sky, escape the binds of this book. Escape the pages, be free, and fly, break out of your cages." Lucas smiled. He looked up and saw the girl frown. He felt himself fading, until darkness surrounded him. But it didn't last long, slowly, the world came into view again. The girls room appeared, and so did all Lucas's friends, family, and opponents. The girl stared at them in shock. Then she looked up (Right at you, reader) And said,

"Ok, this is a short story, isn't it? This is too unrealistic to be real life. So, I guess, bye reader?" The girl said. She nudged Lucas.

"Oh, right. Bye!" He shouted. "You mean, the author never planned for us to escape?" He whispered to the Dark Lord. He shrugged. "Well, she sure trolled us!"

"Bye, everyone, and happy reading!" Everyone shouts, right before the end appears.

"Ah, come on, does it have to end?"


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Fri Jan 04, 2019 1:20 am
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ, or Tuck, stopping by for a short review :)

They were redder than fire, they stood out against the gray horizon.
This is a run-on sentence, maybe consider rewording it to something like "They were redder than fire, a sharp contrast against the gray horizon" or something to that effect.

He looked back at the Dark Lord, but he was a second too late, the Dark Lord slashed his cheek.
Another run-on, and this one I would advice splitting up into 2 separate sentences.

James, this is for you! Lucas stabbed at the Dark Lord with all his might, the Dark Lord blocked just in time, they both fell backward and hit the ground.
Another run-on, and if this is dialogue, then it shouldn't be italicized, but rather enclosed in quotation marks.

"We're not real, are we?" Lucas asked.

" 'We're not real, are we' Lucas asked. panic rising Panic rose in him "hHow? How could this be?'" The girl echoed.
Again, a few grammatical errors.

Apart from these small grammar mistakes, which could be fixed with a quick round of proofreading, you had a clever story here. I think you could've taken it a little further, however, and I'll dive into that in a moment.

1) Characters. By fleshing out your characters more, developing personalities outside of their protagonist and antagonist roles, and giving them unique quirks, you'll be able to draw the reader in and create three-dimensional, relatable characters.

2) More description. The idea of text appearing in the landscape has so much unexplored potential. Is it black text on a white background? Does it wash out the landscape, or is it pasted over it? Does it surround each character in a bubble? Are they looking at the same text? Is it moving from left to right, or appearing and then disappearing? At what speed? All of these questions will help the reader get a better picture of what's going on and intrigue them further.

3)Adding some originality. Many of the characters here were the typical protagonist and antagonist cliches—a brave, benevolent, fighting-for-justice protagonist and the strong, black-and-red, true evil and destruction and chaos antagonist. These tropes are familiar to anyone who's read books for any amount of time, and adding in little quirks will make the characters really come to life, which helps your story really draw the reader in.

Hopefully this was helpful! Sorry if this review came across as harsh; I really do think you're onto something good here, and much of this advice was broad and general intentionally to improve your overall writing. Not a bad start at all, and if you have any additional questions, I'd be happy to answer them. Great work and, most importantly, never stop writing.

~MJTucker




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!



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Thu Jan 03, 2019 6:28 pm
manilla wrote a review...



Hi, manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we? As usual, I'll go through nitpicks first - Little errors in your writing that can be easily fixed. Some that were just typos or inconsistencies I won't count.

stared into the eyes of the Dark lord.


Because it's a proper noun, capitalize "lord" as well.

"Lucas... We meet at last!" Said the Dark Lord.


No space between the ellipses and "We". Also, "Said" should be lowercase because the Dark Lord isn't starting a new action.

Lucas gasped as a crack appeared in the sky, words appeared behind it.


The comma doesn't connect those two clauses very well. Try a semicolon?

And when the fourth wall starts to get broken with the author jutting in to the dialogue, the flow of the words and the reader's understanding starts to fall short a bit. Make sure your dialogue is punctuated correctly, or maybe change the formatting slightly...It could just be me, though.

"Bye, everyone, and happy reading!" Everyone shouts, right before the end appears.

"Ah, come on, does it have to end?"


What a clever finish to a clever story. Some of the readability issues you have are prevalent, but with practice, you can fix them. I wonder more about the characters and what was going through the author's mind as the story was unfolding. Keep on writing!

-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review! Non of your comments were rude in the slightest!



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Mon Dec 31, 2018 11:48 am
Fantascifi66 says...



You are absolutely right. Loved it! <3




Horisun says...


Thank you!



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Mon Dec 31, 2018 6:48 am
RemerMiguele says...



Quite funny history. From the wery beginning it seemed like the typical story but then autor caught reader. I did not expect this final of the history. Plus point to good mood for this day.

Best regards!




Horisun says...


Thank you so much!




You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders