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Least Romantic: Chapter Ten: Inspiration!

by Horisun


Ala slammed the door to her room so hard, the floor shook beneath her. She ran, and buried her head face first into her pillow, muffling her sobs.

She heard the sound of her door creaking open, and later felt someone patting her back.

"What's the matter, Ala?" Her Mommy asked, sliding onto the bed next to her.

Ala let out a small whine, and rolled over to face the wall.

"What happened?" She asked.

Ala cried as she told her Mommy about how Henry betrayed her. Her Mommys eyes narrowed at the kissing part, but her face quickly softened.

"Tell you what," She said, "I'll go get some ice cream, and we'll watch Equestria Girls."

Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.

Ala sat, cuddled up to her Mommy, watching as her favorite song started to play.

That's when inspiration struck.

"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"

"This'll work." Ala insisted. "Trust me. We'll do it at lunch,"

"Why?"

"That's when all the movies do it."

"Oh. Makes sense."

"Ala?" 

Ala whipped around, and let out a snarl. "Hello, Henry. I hope your date with your girlfriend went well."

"But she's not. She just kissed me out of no where! I don't like her, Ala, I like-"

"Save your poop. I heard you say it." Ala snapped.

Henry cocked his head. "Say what?"

"That you love her."

Henry stuttered, and took a step back. "I- I didn't-"

"Go away, Henry, we'll figure the riddle out ourselves." 

Henry's eyes watered. He turned and left. He walked to a group of boys, who looked at him with confusion, but let him sit.

Jenny looked at Ala nervously. "What nice weather we're having..." She commented.

Ala sighed. She wanted to push away the food. But who could resist pancakes?

It was sweet.

Just like her revenge.


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Sat Sep 07, 2019 11:24 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello my friend It's me again FlamingPheonix with another review for you on the last chapter so far!! O_O

Anyway, I saw a few things in this chapter I would like to point out before I get into the good stuff.
Right let's start!

So here is the first one.

Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.

Ala sat, cuddled up to her Mommy, watching as her favorite song started to play.


So there is nothing wrong with these two lines, but when I first read it it was a little confusing, but when I read it again I saw there was a time skip, then it all became clear to me. So I would put three full-stops between the two lines, the full-stops will look like this ... then your reader will no there has been a time skip.

Okay onto the next one.

That's when inspiration struck.

"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"


The same thing for these two lines like the last to. It has been a time skip, so you should put ... between the two lines.


Any way that's all I could see for this chapter.
I'm very surprised Ala held in her tears until she got home. If I was her I no I would have come to tears right there and then, I guess she can be really brave when she wants to.
I am very much shocked she didn't hear Henry out. That just broke my heart, it's very clear he doesn't like Tiana other wise why would he come up to Ala. *sighs* Love it a very hart thing. I hope doesn't hate Ala for not listening, then I'm not sure I could go on with this book, it would be just to hard.
Though I am shocked Tiana didn't show up in this chapter, I would have imagined her sneering in the back ground looking very pleased with herself, I guess she could have been sick.
I wonder what Jenny will do now that Ala was mean to Henry, surly she isn't going to stick around with her and go be with Henry to help the poor guy out.

Gosh as you can tell I was talking on and on about what could happen in the next chapter! Sorry about that, it's a little thing I have when I get excited. Talking of the next chapter I hope you will post it on the site soon so I can get to reading it. I'm looking forward to what will happen next. I hope you have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.

Reviewing with a fiery passion!
Ps: tag me next time you post! ;)

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Sun Aug 25, 2019 9:06 am
Asith wrote a review...



Happy review day, team blue :p

I'm starting to enjoy these types of stories that use dialogue as their primary plot-mover. You have a very decent grasp on how to write dialogue, so well-done on that. I remember my own dialogue coming off clunky and unrealistic a few years ago -- to the point where I still find myself avoiding it :p -- so it's cool to see you nailing it. The things your characters say seem real, and the verb use of verbs like "snapped" always seem to appear in the right places, making the conversation flow well.

Have you considered making these longer? For a reader, the whole thing flies by -- it only makes a minute to read! This makes the whole scene feel hasty, as if very little time passed for the characters. Of course, it is a quick scene, but not that quick! A little filler to stuff up a few paragraphs would be nice, I think.

For the record, your dialogue is often punctuated wrong:

"Okay." She said.

In places like these, with a "they said" kind of ending, the actual dialogue shouldn't end in a period. It should be a comma. * "Okay," she said. * Look through some books and see how they do it! It's a good habit to pick up on :)




Horisun says...


Thank you for the review!



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Sun Aug 18, 2019 2:10 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Heya Horisun!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get started now, shall we? Mhm.

*rubs hands together*

*starts typing*

Her Mommys eyes narrowed at the kissing part, but her face quickly softened.


Mommys needs an apostrophe before the "s" so it'd look like this: Mommy's. Also, I would very much think that a five year old's mother would narrow her eyes when her five year old's friend kissed her daughter's enemy. Very likely. :P

"I'll go get some ice cream, and we'll watch Equestria Girls."

Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.


Aww, that's cute. <33

That's when inspiration struck.

"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"


Hold your horses! What just happened? If you were going to change it to a different time - I realized it a little while later - then at least say you're going to. Something like: At school or something, ya know? ;)

"Save your poop. I heard you say it." Ala snapped.


O-O Ala... I - I didn't expect this from you! Save your words for your... poop! Definitely not laughing. Nope nope. Never. It honestly doesn't seem like something All would say. I'm being honest. I half fell of the couch when I read that. No joke. It's like saying... Some bad words in middle school language, ya know?? *nervous chuckle*

Henry's eyes watered. He turned and left.


Aww, my baby, it's okay. Everything will be okay and you'll get your best friend back soon. Don't worry about it. <3

It was sweet.

Just like her revenge.


Didn't expect that. At all. Okay, and now, this makes me wonder. What is her sweet revenge? Yeah... She got it from Equestria Girls, mhm. Is it some song of friendship or something? Like... The friendship song that's in the lunch room and then the Equestria Girls get their manes and ears...? But instead of Ala getting a mane and ears, she'll hopefully get her friend!

Hey, hey, everybody. We've got something to say. We may seem as different. As the night is from day.

That's literally all I know, lol. ;p Anyways, I'm done with my review! I hope this helped in one way or the other. And I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter! (:

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




Horisun says...


Hey, hey, everybody,
we got something to say,
we may seem different,
as the night is from day,
but when you did a little deeper,
and you will see,
that we're just like you, and you're just like me, hey!

First look up! Then look down!
Something something to the ground!

Generous, honesty, Kindness laughter, Loyalty.

Let's help Twilight win the crown!

Stomp your hooves to the ground!


Lol, I did that from memory, probably waayyyyyy off. I watched way too much Equestria girls when I was younger. XD

Thanks for the review! I LOL when I read it.



Horisun says...


Hey, hey, everybody,
we got something to say,
we may seem different,
as the night is from day,
but when you did a little deeper,
and you will see,
that we're just like you, and you're just like me, hey!

First look up! Then look down!
Something something to the ground!

Generous, honesty, Kindness laughter, Loyalty.

Let's help Twilight win the crown!

Stomp your hooves to the ground!


Lol, I did that from memory, probably waayyyyyy off. I watched way too much Equestria girls when I was younger. XD

Thanks for the review! I LOL when I read it.



Liberty says...


Lol, not a problem. ^^




A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden