Typical misunderstanding. This is really refreshing from a kindergartener's point of view. At least they have an excuse, being so young. It always drove me nuts when highschooler's behaved like this, acting like two-year-olds.
Ala slammed the door to her room so hard, the floor shook beneath her. She ran, and buried her head face first into her pillow, muffling her sobs.
She heard the sound of her door creaking open, and later felt someone patting her back.
"What's the matter, Ala?" Her Mommy asked, sliding onto the bed next to her.
Ala let out a small whine, and rolled over to face the wall.
"What happened?" She asked.
Ala cried as she told her Mommy about how Henry betrayed her. Her Mommys eyes narrowed at the kissing part, but her face quickly softened.
"Tell you what," She said, "I'll go get some ice cream, and we'll watch Equestria Girls."
Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.
Ala sat, cuddled up to her Mommy, watching as her favorite song started to play.
That's when inspiration struck.
"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"
"This'll work." Ala insisted. "Trust me. We'll do it at lunch,"
"Why?"
"That's when all the movies do it."
"Oh. Makes sense."
"Ala?"
Ala whipped around, and let out a snarl. "Hello, Henry. I hope your date with your girlfriend went well."
"But she's not. She just kissed me out of no where! I don't like her, Ala, I like-"
"Save your poop. I heard you say it." Ala snapped.
Henry cocked his head. "Say what?"
"That you love her."
Henry stuttered, and took a step back. "I- I didn't-"
"Go away, Henry, we'll figure the riddle out ourselves."
Henry's eyes watered. He turned and left. He walked to a group of boys, who looked at him with confusion, but let him sit.
Jenny looked at Ala nervously. "What nice weather we're having..." She commented.
Ala sighed. She wanted to push away the food. But who could resist pancakes?
It was sweet.
Just like her revenge.
Typical misunderstanding. This is really refreshing from a kindergartener's point of view. At least they have an excuse, being so young. It always drove me nuts when highschooler's behaved like this, acting like two-year-olds.
Hello my friend It's me again FlamingPheonix with another review for you on the last chapter so far!! O_O
Anyway, I saw a few things in this chapter I would like to point out before I get into the good stuff.
Right let's start!
So here is the first one.
Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.
Ala sat, cuddled up to her Mommy, watching as her favorite song started to play.
That's when inspiration struck.
"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"
Happy review day, team blue :p
I'm starting to enjoy these types of stories that use dialogue as their primary plot-mover. You have a very decent grasp on how to write dialogue, so well-done on that. I remember my own dialogue coming off clunky and unrealistic a few years ago -- to the point where I still find myself avoiding it :p -- so it's cool to see you nailing it. The things your characters say seem real, and the verb use of verbs like "snapped" always seem to appear in the right places, making the conversation flow well.
Have you considered making these longer? For a reader, the whole thing flies by -- it only makes a minute to read! This makes the whole scene feel hasty, as if very little time passed for the characters. Of course, it is a quick scene, but not that quick! A little filler to stuff up a few paragraphs would be nice, I think.
For the record, your dialogue is often punctuated wrong:
"Okay." She said.
Heya Horisun!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get started now, shall we? Mhm.
*rubs hands together*
*starts typing*
Her Mommys eyes narrowed at the kissing part, but her face quickly softened.
"I'll go get some ice cream, and we'll watch Equestria Girls."
Ala sat up, sniffling. "Okay." She said.
That's when inspiration struck.
"Are you sure about this?" Jenny asked, "It seems a little... Extreme. Maybe there's an explanation for all of this?"
"Save your poop. I heard you say it." Ala snapped.
Henry's eyes watered. He turned and left.
It was sweet.
Just like her revenge.
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