Chapter Four: Introductions
When you first entered Cabin Seventeen, you were instantly hit with the smell of dust and misuse. And then you were hit by a thousand arrays of perfume, enough to make June gag.
In the
middle of the room was a round coffee table, and two couches on either side.
When June dropped her bag onto the couch, a layer of dirt flew into the air.
On either side of the small, cubed walls, there were two doors. One labeled
“Girls” And one labeled “Guys” In between was another kid who looked a couple
years younger than June.
They had blond hair tied back in a slightly bushy pony tail, round, blueish greenish eyes, and a small frown on their face.
Talia went up to them as soon as she entered, “What’s up?”
The kid turned, “Trying decide where they expect me to sleep.” When they saw Talia tilt her head, they added, “I’m non binary.”
“Oh! Hmm.” Talia stepped up beside them, “Are you leaning any particular way?”
June slipped
away as quietly as she could, into the girls room.
The smell of perfume was even more unbearable there. There were two bunk beds,
crammed on either side of the wall. June didn’t mind closed spaces, but she
could barely breathe at all.
The door swung open, and Talia walked in, “Hey, our other Cabinmates are here.”
June nodded, and stepped out of the room.
She internally groaned as she noted the boy from the bus. He was sitting in the corner, his fingers a blur, eyes glued to an old DS.
In the front of the room, two guys were pointing, and laughing, at a portrait of Ms. Kemble. June had missed it when she first entered, because the other Kid was standing in front of it.
One of the boys was blond, he had green eyes, and super pale, covered in freckles. He had a wide nose, and wore a backwards Red Sox cap, so his forehead looked gigantic. His appearance reminded June of her bullies, back at school. Her eyes twitched slightly.
The other boy had dark hair and skin. He was sort of pretty, his face seemed to constantly be smiling. He had a round nose, and upturned eyebrows, which made him look pleasantly surprised, as though someone had just gifted him a box of chocolate.
For the
first time, June noticed there was another girl in the room. She stood in the
corner, gripping her backpack with both hands.
She hand curly brown hair with golden highlights, and tan skin. Her ears poked
out of her hair, making them look bigger than they were. She had bright blue
eyes, but with some serious shadows underneath, as if she hadn’t gotten sleep
in the last few weeks.
Talia clapped her hands. She was standing on the coffee table, (Which June was sure was not aloud) And she was looking around the room, her head held high.
“Hello, everyone,” She said, louder than she needed to, “My name is Amy, but you can call me Tallfield or Talia.”
“That’s accurate.” Muttered the Blondie.
Talia didn’t flinch though, instead, she grinned down at him, “And let me guess, they call you Malfoy?”
He stared, and shuffled his feet, “My name is Draco Joshua Willsbert.”
Everyone laughed, even his friend, who patted him on the back as he chuckled.
“Who else?” Talia asked, looking around the room, and then at her.
Oh god. She thought, I guess I’m next.
“My names June Marsha. And, well, in case you haven’t noticed, I only have one arm.” She pointed at her shoulder, not very helpfully, as everyones eyes had already darted to wear her arm should’ve been. “I was born with it, I’ve learned to live without it, and ask for help when I need it. I don’t consider it a disability, just a… lack of a premium feature.”
A few of them chuckled, but they were too busy processing her, and trying to imagine what it was like not to have an arm, June assumed.
Talia jumped in, “What about you, what’s your name?” She pointed at the Non Binary kid.
“Me?” They looked around for a moment, “Uh, my name is Leaf, I like video games, and reading?” They looked around, and elbowed the Curly Haired Girl, and gave her a look that said Help me.
Oh. June thought, They’re related.
It had took a moment for her to notice, but they had they same eye shape, and the same giant ears, though the girls was more noticeable.
“My names Flower.” She said, “I like flowers.”
“Our parents had a bit of a theme going.” Leaf grinned. “We also have an older sister named Willow, she’s off to college though.”
Talia nodded, and then shot a glare at the DS boy, before asking, “And you, what’s your name?”
“Jacob.” He said, not looking up from his game.
“Ok-“ Talia said, “And-“
“You’ve saved the best for last, of course.” The last guy stepped forward, “My names Darion. I like cooking, Fortnite, and Draco.”
June chuckled as Draco flushed. She decided to dislike him a little less.
Talia dragged June out of the comfort of the couch to go and explore, and Darion tagged along with them.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Camp Tornado: Part ThreePoints:
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Oh how can I miss such an interesting story
So from now on I am going to follow this story
Hope you keep writing it
Aw, thank you! I will certainly try!
Hi Horisun!
I've had a quick scan of part one that you posted and June intrigued me as a character. I have a close friend who also has one arm so I'm glad to see it being represented in a book!
I love this as a start to the chapter. It's a really great description of both the cabin and the people who use it - good job!
This is a very valid point that surely is affecting camps now (when they are allowed to take place of course). I'm interested to see how you/the camp tackle the issue.
You don't need to capitalise kid here.
You've given some nice descriptions of the characters here, but I often find it reads more naturally if their appearances are described in little bits and pieces over time rather than all at once. Mostly that's because I find having three characters described to me at once a little overwhelming and I'd rather distinguish them through their personalities
Oh wow, someone in real life called Draco. Poor kid.
Just a few errors here but I've corrected them in bold.
I would swap the order of these two paragraphs so she realises they are related after noticing their appearance similarities.
Ok so an interesting chapter with a lot of characters! I can't help but wonder how you're going to keep track of them all or keep them all unique enough that the reader can tell them apart! Watch out for the missing apostrophes too, they caught you out a couple of times
Hope this helped!
Icy
Thank you for the review!
Hi Horisun! Spunky here to review this!
Grows:
"array" is used incorrectly in this context. The definition of array is :An impressive display or range of a particular type of thing. or :An ordered series or arrangement. So change array out for some other word.
"aloud" should be "allowed"
"Blondie" shouldn't be capitalized.
"Non Binary" shouldn't be capitalized.
Glows: Nice way to introduce all the characters! I like how you didn't make them all attentive *cough* Jacob *cough*. It's really realistic, but this story has a playfulness to it.
Great way to show us that the cabin is dirty instead of telling us!
Overall, this is a good paced story, and you've done a nice job of fleshing out the characters.