Young Writers Society

Hi Horisun, I think your story was great. I love these type of creepy stories !
Though I liked your story there were a few mistakes like you wrote " There was blood there.where she sat" there is a full stop error. And in some places you mixed your thought and I could not understand. that's it. Your writing was amazing !! Keep writing and i will wait for ur next writing.

Hello, Horisun!

Your brother's short-story was disturbing. I LOVED it! I hope you'll let him know that. I'm curious. Is he the one who had this nightmare or is it fiction? Either way, he has a creative mind!

Allow me get to my talking points.


"The song was called something like... I don't know, like,' The boss'."

There's a bunch of typing errors in the story. For example, he left a space after the first single inverted comma there. But it's nothing a LOT of writing and proofreads won't help. Heck, I'll probably make a lot of typos in this very review too. Finished is better than perfect.

But I think it's fitting to this short-story. It's an eery nightmare. It's only right that the narrator's stream of consciousness be uncomposed.


"A man started talking to the person that is the one talking about I don't know, like 50 percent off stuff blah blah blah."

This line confused me on my first read. But now I know the narrator was talking about something going down in the radio station. I think the number of people in the car and their position/status could've been better described.

I get that everything happens in a haste in a nightmare. So, the vagueness makes sense in the context of the story. It's never a good idea to overexplain but description helps a story flow better more often than not.


"I looked back and for at the back of the car for some reason."

I think you meant "back and forth" here.


"And this time I was for sure this time that was blood."

There's this bit of redundancy with "this time", I think.


"I hurried to call 911, and tapped a bunch of buttons while holding on the wheel so I don't crash the car on the high way."

Maybe it's just me but I wish I got some hint before this line that the narrator was the one driving the car.


"(k means ok so that's a lot of oks)"

I like his humor!


"Ok that is the stupidest idea ever."

It's a great idea! Honestly, characters in horror movies should try this. Would the killer/ghost receive the video call? How'd he even hold the phone? Would he shrug seeing his face in the corner? There's so many possibilities!


I loved the story. I hope my feedback helps his writing. I don't know if I was nitpicking too much up there.

Anyways, he should really join YWS!

Best wishes for both of you!

Hey there, HLB! (I'm going to steal the acronym from @Liberty500 as I quite like it.) I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today, seeing as it's Review Day and I have a little bit of extra time.

This is a pretty entertaining nightmare - I enjoyed reading it, mostly because it's funny how as you're telling it, you're so obviously confused and bewildered by what is happening. You tell it in a very engaging way, inviting us to laugh at the nonsense.

That being said, I'm not quite sure I would strictly call this a story. It's more of an entertaining anecdote of the kind you tell to friends or at parties. Dreams, at least without heavy adaptation, are not stories on their own, because, well, they're dreams. They're by nature incoherent and inconsistent, ending abruptly and in ways that don't seem to have a point. It's hard to define what a story is, because every rule of storytelling can be broken by a skilled writer in some way (though maybe not all at once). Stories usually have a beginning, middle, and end - but not always. They usually feature a handful of central characters and obstacles for them to overcome - but not always. There are often "good guys" and "bad guys," and the "good guys" often win - but definitely not always.

So what makes a story a story? Is a story only a story if it's satisfying to the reader? But no story will be satisfying to *every* reader. The way I end up thinking about it is that the crucial component to a story (or any piece of art) is this: being deliberate. As in, the author sets out to create a specific something, a specific experience for the reader. They are trying to express something, communicate something that other people can receive. To me, this deliberate expression of your thoughts, ideas, and experiences, is what makes a story, and what makes art in general.

So my advice to you here is this: be deliberate. What do you want people to feel when they read this? If you want us to laugh, write with that in mind. Try to figure out what parts are funniest, and focus your attention there. Are you hoping to be scary, to make people feel unsettled that the sleeping mind can produce such strangeness? Then focus your attention there, emphasizing the strangest details. If that means veering from what really happened in the dream, that's okay. Stories are fictional. I'm not even sure if this is your real dream, or if you've written a story about a character that dreamed this. But it doesn't matter, because it's a story.

I didn't intend for this to become a mini-essay on something so abstract as the definition of a story, but here we are. I hope my thoughts could be somewhat useful to you - I don't really know what your purpose is for telling this story, so I can't give too much specific advice. Still, this was a fun read, and I wish you best of luck with wherever your writing takes you!

(Also, you really should just get your own account. )

wow

Hi HLB! (Horisun's Little Brother)

Hope you are doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it now, shall we? First of all, before I start, let me say, that you have an amazing talent of telling gory amazing stories! I definitely think that you should start your own YWS account. I'd love to see more from you! <3

Alright, going back to the review. I just have a few little things to point out.

First thing: When you're writing a story and you want to tell it as a story, then you'd actually put quotation marks and you'd have the description and all. Almost every story I've read has that. How about I do this; look at the quotes below and tell me which one sounds/looks/feels better.

It started out when I, for some reason, was a grown man who had a wife. I was in the car with her, listening to music. The song was called something like "The Boss". A little while later, the song finished.

It started out when for some reason I was a grown man. I was in the car with my wife, listening to music. The song was called something like... I don't know, like,' The boss'. Soon, the song finished.

1. There was now a laugh.

2. The weird stuff got louder.

3. It now happened every 10 seconds and lasted 5 seconds.

There was now a laugh, the weird stuff got louder and it now happened every 10 seconds and lasted 5 seconds.