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E - Everyone

My nightmare.

by Horisun


This is another story by my brother. I've told him that this would be the last story before he'd have to make an account if he wanted to post anymore, because I think this is the third or fourth story by him. #Makeanaccountbrother 

Okay, I'm gonna tell you a nightmare that I had in first grade I think it will be a really good story to share. 

It started out when for some reason I was a grown man. I was in the car with my wife, listening to music. The song was called something like... I don't know, like,' The boss'. Soon, the song finished. The ad played of course. That's when stuff got weird. The song plays again. I thought they really liked the song so they played it again. But as we listen to it, every 20 seconds it would be quiet and if you listen, you hear  a scream and like a spatter and other stuff. This would last for 3 seconds. I look at my wife for a split second. Looked back and...

Something was not right.

There was red stuff on the top of the car. I thought it was ketchup on top of the car so it was nothing, I had thought. I looked at my wife again. But noticed a black figure on the side of the road. At that moment the weird song ended again, the ad played as always and...

I don't know what on earth happened. A man started talking to the person that is the one talking about I don't know, like 50 percent off stuff blah blah blah. But this unknown guy was sounding like he was holding her hostage. "If you don't try to get yourself killed. I'll come to kill you." He said still unknown. Then the ad was just playing static, a lot of static.

The story continues to get weirder, ALOT weirder.

Anyways back to the story. Or should I say, NIGHTMARE! 

Now I thought, what the heck did he say?! KILL ME IF I DON'T (ya you get it, also I'm glad I did not sleep talk. Because oh darn stuff went, let's say crazy) OK! Right now I am taking a huge sigh as I am writing this. ANYWAYS for real. I looked back and for at the back of the car for some reason. Two glowing red eyes stared...

Just stared for a long moment. A long one. I turned back sweating. With fear. Scared. OH MY GOSH WHAT ON EARTH I WAS JUST I DO NOT KNOW, FREAKING OUT. I was going to tell my wife (in dream) when I noticed that she was not there. Gone. And this time I was for sure this time that was blood. There was blood there. where she'd sat. 

Then that stupid scary song played again. Ohhhhh I got the chills. Now instead of the sreaming and weird stuff happening every 20 seconds and lasted 3 seconds. This time

1. There was now a laugh.

2. The weird stuff got louder.

3. It now happened every 10 seconds and lasted 5 seconds.

This was like the progress of Five Nights at Freddys like the first night played, nothing really happens. Night 2 got harder by adding stuff and night 3 added stuff and got harder. But instead of getting harder it got SCARIER. Like, get some help.

I decided to text my wife tp ask where she went and waited like 25 seconds till she texted back. Now I was surprised it only took 25 seconds before she text back. It read. Find me. Before I find you. 

OH HECK, WHAT DO YA MEAN FIND YOU BEFORE YA FIND ME? 

I hurried to call 911, and tapped a bunch of buttons while holding on the wheel so I don't crash the car on the high way. It did not work. Then I got a texted from a number I never heard of. The number was. 666.

 KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK (k means ok so that's a lot of oks).

 Freak! I wonder who it is, hmmmmmmmmmm. (lol) Oh, and to top it off from the text of me trying to call 911 it said. 

Nice try.

OK THEN LET ME FACE TIME THIS NUMBER. I thought.

Ok that is the stupidest idea ever. (BECAUSE PEOPLE IN DREAMS ARE NOT THE SMARTEST) And also the best way my brain can give me the chills. I typed in on face time.

Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring. 

And ya know what I got. The song played again. Ok why? But then I got another text. So I went to the texting thing and...

It was a picture of me in the car trying to face time (Ok my dream is weird because I think you can only send pictures on snap chat.) MY EYES WIDEN! Jump scare out of the blue* A Bloody figure falls on my front car window. I regret face timing this guy. Because after that figure was gone, the road was gone, the day of light was gone, the other cars were gone. All there was were me in the car, silence, and that creepy song playing. (AGAIN)

That's when I got out of the car, took a flash light, looked around, and that figure was just standing there. And before I tell you what happens next that same figure was the figure from my 2nd grade nightmare so if ya wanna see that, well, just I don't know we'll see. Ok the figure takes couple steps toward me. A few more. And now he is right next to me! I could not run I was stuck when  then...

He stabbed me. 

I am glad I did not feel it. But that was it. 

Nightmare told my the little brother.

Hope you enjoyed!

Also one more thing. If your thinking. Stop watching these stuff on Youtube or stop thinking about this stuff. Well guess what. I did not do those 2 things. Trust me.

#Make a YWS account, brother (edited by the sister)

 

.


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Sun May 26, 2019 11:53 pm
MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hello, Horisun!

Your brother's short-story was disturbing. I LOVED it! I hope you'll let him know that. I'm curious. Is he the one who had this nightmare or is it fiction? Either way, he has a creative mind!

Allow me get to my talking points.


"The song was called something like... I don't know, like,' The boss'."

There's a bunch of typing errors in the story. For example, he left a space after the first single inverted comma there. But it's nothing a LOT of writing and proofreads won't help. Heck, I'll probably make a lot of typos in this very review too. Finished is better than perfect.

But I think it's fitting to this short-story. It's an eery nightmare. It's only right that the narrator's stream of consciousness be uncomposed.


"A man started talking to the person that is the one talking about I don't know, like 50 percent off stuff blah blah blah."

This line confused me on my first read. But now I know the narrator was talking about something going down in the radio station. I think the number of people in the car and their position/status could've been better described.

I get that everything happens in a haste in a nightmare. So, the vagueness makes sense in the context of the story. It's never a good idea to overexplain but description helps a story flow better more often than not.


"I looked back and for at the back of the car for some reason."

I think you meant "back and forth" here.


"And this time I was for sure this time that was blood."

There's this bit of redundancy with "this time", I think.


"I hurried to call 911, and tapped a bunch of buttons while holding on the wheel so I don't crash the car on the high way."

Maybe it's just me but I wish I got some hint before this line that the narrator was the one driving the car.


"(k means ok so that's a lot of oks)"

I like his humor!


"Ok that is the stupidest idea ever."

It's a great idea! Honestly, characters in horror movies should try this. Would the killer/ghost receive the video call? How'd he even hold the phone? Would he shrug seeing his face in the corner? There's so many possibilities!


I loved the story. I hope my feedback helps his writing. I don't know if I was nitpicking too much up there.

Anyways, he should really join YWS!

Best wishes for both of you!




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Sun May 26, 2019 11:02 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, HLB! (I'm going to steal the acronym from @Liberty500 as I quite like it.) I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today, seeing as it's Review Day and I have a little bit of extra time. :)

This is a pretty entertaining nightmare - I enjoyed reading it, mostly because it's funny how as you're telling it, you're so obviously confused and bewildered by what is happening. You tell it in a very engaging way, inviting us to laugh at the nonsense.

That being said, I'm not quite sure I would strictly call this a story. It's more of an entertaining anecdote of the kind you tell to friends or at parties. Dreams, at least without heavy adaptation, are not stories on their own, because, well, they're dreams. They're by nature incoherent and inconsistent, ending abruptly and in ways that don't seem to have a point. It's hard to define what a story is, because every rule of storytelling can be broken by a skilled writer in some way (though maybe not all at once). Stories usually have a beginning, middle, and end - but not always. They usually feature a handful of central characters and obstacles for them to overcome - but not always. There are often "good guys" and "bad guys," and the "good guys" often win - but definitely not always.

So what makes a story a story? Is a story only a story if it's satisfying to the reader? But no story will be satisfying to *every* reader. The way I end up thinking about it is that the crucial component to a story (or any piece of art) is this: being deliberate. As in, the author sets out to create a specific something, a specific experience for the reader. They are trying to express something, communicate something that other people can receive. To me, this deliberate expression of your thoughts, ideas, and experiences, is what makes a story, and what makes art in general.

So my advice to you here is this: be deliberate. What do you want people to feel when they read this? If you want us to laugh, write with that in mind. Try to figure out what parts are funniest, and focus your attention there. Are you hoping to be scary, to make people feel unsettled that the sleeping mind can produce such strangeness? Then focus your attention there, emphasizing the strangest details. If that means veering from what really happened in the dream, that's okay. Stories are fictional. I'm not even sure if this is your real dream, or if you've written a story about a character that dreamed this. But it doesn't matter, because it's a story.

I didn't intend for this to become a mini-essay on something so abstract as the definition of a story, but here we are. I hope my thoughts could be somewhat useful to you - I don't really know what your purpose is for telling this story, so I can't give too much specific advice. Still, this was a fun read, and I wish you best of luck with wherever your writing takes you!

(Also, you really should just get your own account. ;))




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Wed May 22, 2019 3:36 am
AliZombie says...



wow




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Sun May 19, 2019 8:30 pm
Liberty500 wrote a review...



Hi HLB! (Horisun's Little Brother)

Hope you are doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it now, shall we? First of all, before I start, let me say, that you have an amazing talent of telling gory amazing stories! I definitely think that you should start your own YWS account. I'd love to see more from you! <3 ;)

Alright, going back to the review. I just have a few little things to point out.

:D First thing: When you're writing a story and you want to tell it as a story, then you'd actually put quotation marks and you'd have the description and all. Almost every story I've read has that. How about I do this; look at the quotes below and tell me which one sounds/looks/feels better.

It started out when I, for some reason, was a grown man who had a wife. I was in the car with her, listening to music. The song was called something like "The Boss". A little while later, the song finished.


Or this one:

It started out when for some reason I was a grown man. I was in the car with my wife, listening to music. The song was called something like... I don't know, like,' The boss'. Soon, the song finished.


I'm not trying to compare or anything! I swear it on my future horse! (My future horse is my life to me, FYI) I'm just trying to tell you that normally, in a story you wouldn't say what you as the authors' feelings are towards the story, ya know what I mean? Hopefully. Also, does that sound mean? I feel like that sounds mean. I'm so mean. Uff.

:) Second thing: When you are writing a story (do I sound annoying already? >.<), you wouldn't normally use lists like you did here:

1. There was now a laugh.

2. The weird stuff got louder.

3. It now happened every 10 seconds and lasted 5 seconds.


We would actually use commas (,). *shows off thousands of commas* So like, if you were not going to do that, and you were to use commas instead, this is how it'd look like:

There was now a laugh, the weird stuff got louder and it now happened every 10 seconds and lasted 5 seconds.


Hope you understand what I'm chattering about.

:smt003 Third thing: When you... *flinch* write a story... You don't use numbers. You would actually use word-numbers. 3 would be turned into three and like-wise, 5 and 10 would be turned into five and ten. Does that make sense?

:elephant: Fourth thing: When you write a... You know what? I'm so horrible, I constantly KEEP on saying 'when you write a story'. Gee, I'm so horrid!! *sigh* I'll say it this way: In a sentence, a comma is very important, it changes a lot. Sometimes, it can change the meaning of a sentence too. I can't even believe that a teeny weeny thing can do so much, but it can! Look through your story and try to figure out what I mean. You'll see it.

Well, anyyyyywayyyys. Enough with my chatterbox mouth. XD I loved reading/reviewing this story, and I can't wait to read more of your works when you get your own account. Lol.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Horisun says...


Thank you, HLB will make an account soon. (Hopefully) :D



Liberty500 says...


I REALLLLYYY hope so.




No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words