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Hello my name is...

by Horisun


My brother wrote this, and wanted to post it. Enjoy!

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Hello my name is...

Bellow Why Yam

I know that's very weird

but that's how I am

I walk across a street

and see the Hulk in a creek

Hello my name is...

someone you should not know

with a random hoe in my hand

and I say my name is someone who goes ho, ho, ho

hello my name is...

You should never know

You can't change the fact that I lie of my name

Just go grab a clam and fly away from me.


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126 Reviews


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Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:37 pm
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! Jade her to review you. Let's just get to it, then!

I really love your randomosity and lighthearted humorous poem.

I think the flow could be fixed, and there is no stanzas which I recommend adding.

The word choice for some of it could be better:

You can't change the fact that I lie of my name


Maybe change of to about, of is,'t incorrect, it just sounds odd.


But I like this so much! I hope this helps..

-Professor Jadey




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Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:42 pm
GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...



Hello, this is Nive here for a review!

First off, I absolutely commend you for writing a poem in the humour genre because as a writer I know it isn't easy. I loved how you started off the poem and it got me really excited about the rest of the piece.

The rhyming scheme of your poem was a little distracting as you didn't follow a particular pattern. Also I think you were going for a Sonnet, but you didn't pause the poem in between.
I really like your efforts but would've loved to see a little more clarity in the background of it all.

Overall, I think you have a good piece here and I encourage you to make your own account as I would love to see more of your works.

I hope this helps,
XOXO




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Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:12 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for your brother on his poem, I'll try and make it short, and help get it out the green room.

First of I think you should make an account on YWS, and keep posting really good works.

Anyway, so I think this was a really funny poem to read. The words went really well with each other, and it just fits really well. The punctuation was great, having everything in the right place made everything flow really well as I read it.
I really like the name you chose for the poem, it made me come and read it right away, I didn't even look for something else. So great job, because I think that is what you need in your title.
I also really like how it looks like your about to tell us your name, but then you don't, I don't know I thought it was rather funny, and to tell you the truth I read this poem twice and I still laughed.

Well that's all from me for now, again great job, I'm glad I got to read and review your work for you. I hope you will make an account on YWS so I can read more of your works. Never stop writing and have your sister post more of your things on YWS soon. I hope you have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing this a fiery passion.




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Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:57 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Horisun! Or rather Horisun's brother! Niteowl here with a quick review.

I think the first six lines are a great start! They're silly and random, but they have a good rhythm.

However, I think the rhythm could be better after the second "Hello My Name is...". It might be funny to have another fake name, then have a third line that fits the structure, then say "someone you should not know."

Like
Hello my name is...
Mr. Hidee Hidee Ho,
with this hoe in my hand,
I'm someone you shouldn't know.
I walk across the road
and see men turn into toads.

This isn't great, but I'm using the structure you set up in the first six lines to keep the rhythm structure while keeping the tone silly and random. You could also do a third stanza with this same model.

The last two lines are cute, but I would take away the "from me" to make the lines rhyme. Ending on a rhyming couplet is actually how Shakespeare's sonnets are set up, so it would work very well. I would just edit it a tiny bit to

You can't change how I lie about my name,
So just go grab a clam and fly away.

Okay, maybe the rhythm is off there still. I would try to make these two lines match in length so it ties the poem together.

Overall, this is cute and funny, but I would work on the structure. Keep writing! :D




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Sun Apr 21, 2019 1:28 am
Liberty says...



Aww, this is so adorable. Tell him it's adorable.




Horisun says...


Alright. Thanks!



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Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:31 pm
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FabihaNeera says...



Hello,

I don't really know what to say to this... it's super random! I think it's funny how you (or your brother) kept using the line "Hello my name is..." I guess he really doesn't want to be named!

Nice little poem you got here...

Keep Writing :)




Horisun says...


My brother says thanks!




she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake