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Least Romantic: Chapter Two: A Twist and a Lie

by Horisun


Weeks passed, and the two would play together all the time. Anywhere from Mermaids, to cars, from butterflies, to coloring, they did it all. However, Ala began to notice a group that was always off to the side of them. She felt eyes on the back of her head, which would swivel around every time she felt a shiver down her spine, but they would always have their heads bent down over their coloring, be dancing to music, or be over at the science table studying leaves.

"Do you ever feel that Tiana, Laura, and Ria are watching us?" Ala asked Henry, as they placed the last block on their tower.

Henry shrugged, seeming unconcerned, "I haven't really noticed anything." His eyes widened, "Have you?"

Ala sighed, "It's probably nothing, I haven't caught them looking at me, but I just, feel something..."

"Maybe it's your mermaid senses kicking in!" Henry said, jumping to his feet.

Ala brightened, "Yeah, maybe!" She said, and they went back to building their city.

The next day, Henry left early for his sisters birthday party. As Henry and Ala waved goodbye, and he walked through the door, Ala felt a tap on her shoulder.

"You can't play with Henry anymore."

Ala whirled around, "What, why?"

Tiana, and five others, stood in front of her, Tiana had her hands on her hips. She was wearing a dress with beautiful pink flowers, and she had large hooped earrings that made her look all grown up. Ala fingered her skirt that she'd been wearing for the past year. Her stomach began to throb.

"Because." Tiana said, lifting her chin high "You play with him too much." And with that, her and her friends turned and walked away, leaving Ala shocked, confused, and upset.


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77 Reviews


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Sun Aug 11, 2019 9:42 pm
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shieldmaiden says...



Nice Tiana - 'you play with him too much'. And? So what! Wow, I can already tell that this Tiana is going to be the head of the 'mean girls'. I can only hope that Ala won't loose her friend, Henry, over some girl drama. Well, I'm off to the next chapter. Keep writing!
-Shieldmaiden




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Sun Jul 28, 2019 2:34 am
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Liberty wrote a review...



Heeeyoooo Horisuuuun.

Hope you're doing well! I'm back to give you a review! Let's start this thing. :)

Okay, so just saying, half the time, I continuously went: AWWW. Lol, I swear, this is way too cute. I'm dying of awe.

Ala sighed, "It's probably nothing, I haven't caught them looking at me, but I just, feel something..."


Okay, so very teeny weeny nitpick here. The comma after "just" doesn't seem as if it's fit over there. Unless it is something that you want to sound like this: ...but I just... feel something...

The next day, Henry left early for his sisters birthday party.


"Sisters" needs an apostrophe before the last "s".

Tiana said, lifting her chin high "You play with him too much." And with that, her and her friends turned and walked away, leaving Ala shocked, confused, and upset.


After "high" isn't there supposed to be a comma or period?

Also, that's sad. I don't have a very nice feeling about Tiana right now, by the way. Anyways, that's it. My review's over. Hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask! (:

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty

Happy Review Day!




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Tue Jul 16, 2019 12:59 am
Awru wrote a review...



Thats too short*whines*.I see Miss Tiana is gonna grow up to be McKenzie's(from Dork diaries)double part.Poor Ala but i know she will live though it with her prince charming.It was such an adorable chap but i wish it was a bit longer.

but they would always have their heads bent down over their coloring, be dancing to music, or be over at the science table studying leaves

be dancing to music seems like a fish out of water but that could be just me
Now i am off to read the next chap

Keep Up the excellent Work :smt023

peace out




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Jul 14, 2019 8:30 pm
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salia4 wrote a review...



Yay! I am so happy with how quickly you came out with the second chapter. Again, I just love how the main character is a preschooler, and you captured the attitude of preschoolers perfectly, I remember when I first started school the other girls were just like that cuz my best friend was a guy, I just find jealousy like that hilarious.

One tiny little thing, I noticed int the second to last paragraph it seem you misspelled "Tiana", unless Tina and Tiana are two different characters, but I believe it was just a small typo, anyways, it didn't take anything away from the story, just caused a moment of confusion.

I aboslutely love this story so far and can not wait for the rest of it! I love how the chapters are fairly short, so it keeps the reader interested, cuz I know personally, I kinda get bored just looking at super long things of text.

Love this story, keep writing, your work is amazing!




Horisun says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, that Tiana thing was a typo. I do that a lot with my stories, where I spell names differently through out the story. Thanks for pointing that out! I'll fix that asap!




I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2