Young Writers Society

Hey there Horisun. I saw this floating around in the Green Room and I don't think I've ever reviewed any of your stuff, so here I am. I haven't read any other parts of this so time for Jack to just try and get a hang of whatever is going on here.

Before I get into the content though there's an elephant in the room to address and possibly shoo out - the formatting of your dialogue. For the most part, it's okay and it's following some of the proper rules. There's not many rules when it comes to the simple components of dialogue. Then there's some suggestions about what is acceptable and what creates an interesting pattern of back and forth for your particular audience.

Dialogue tags have a time and a place, and they should be used sparingly. They can help to distinguish who is saying what and in what way they're saying it and how it's going to affect the rest of your content. But! Having a dialogue tag for almost every single line is not necessary if the emotion is already being described elsewhere and/or you're not working with 5 or more characters at a time. From what I can tell, there's around 5 people being mentioned here but they're not all actively participating in the conversation.

I didn't think too much of this chapter. it might just come from not having read the previous parts and not knowing who any of your characters are. Or I think it might be coming from the fact that there doesn't seem to be too much plot progression within this section. I'm trying to figure out, as an outside reader, what you were trying to establish for the overall story by including this in your project. There's just a lot of people talking to other people about how they need to talk to the other, other people.

Which is sort of confusing.

There's also a lot of people being mentioned who are not active participants in the current scene without much explanation for why they're being mentioned. I don't mind that they're being brought to the front of the readers mind, but maybe give a more substantial reason for why they're there.

So let's just run through a few spots in this chapter where you need some help.

Nelly gently placed her book into her lap. “No.” She said stoutly.

“You’re both right.” He said, “Jenny would never go against her sister, but she is much nicer.” He stroked his chin dramatically, as if he had a beard. “But I don’t think we will be able to convince her.”

Nelly snorted, “Aside from your inedible de- destroying?” She asked intelligently. Ala was (begrudgingly) impressed.

I loved this writing, it has a mystical air about it. I haven't read your other chapters, but I enjoyed this one and though it doesn't have tremendous amount of detail, it is still legible and understandable. I love the dialogue that you have added with the characters.

“But what if she could be swayed to our side?” Ala asked, as Henry and Joseph shifted uncomfortably. “That could sway the tide to our favor!”
With this line, I think that favor should be favour. Additionally, since you already said the word swayed, could you substitute the word in the second or the first line: What if she could be persuaded to our side?
I think that this would make it flow easier and have a better rhythm to it.

“Yes,” Henry said, as he popped a puzzle into place, “But isn’t she Tiana’s sister?”
With this line, could you add a little description of the puzzle itself: as he popped a piece of a puzzle in place, being occupied with it for a couple of hours now.
Just to spice up that line a little bit.

“Yes,” Henry said, as he popped a puzzle into place, “But isn’t she Tiana’s sister?”

Oh.

I loved the simplicity in these lines yet they imply so much, you can really feel being stopped dead in your tracks for this sudden realisation


I enjoyed reading this