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Least Romantic: Chapter Nine: Kiss

by Horisun

Ala watched them closely as Tiana lead Henry around the corner, where they were hidden from Alas line of sight.

"We gotta go check on them." Ala said, pacing. "Tiana could be saying anything to him, anything."

"Yeah." Jenny said, watching Jackie. She quickly turned away. "Yeah! We can be secret spies! Follow me!"

Jenny and Ala slinked under tables, and pressed there backs against the walls, until they could hear Tiana and Henry's voices.

"-Love you Tiana." 

Ala started to gasp, but quickly closed her mouth. Despite herself, she peeked around the corner.

Tiana gave Henry a swift kiss on the cheek.

Ala stumbled, and fell flat on her face. She looked up, tears brewing beneath the surface. Henry looked at her, eyes wide. "Wait, Ala!"

Tiana smirked at her, and brushed shoulders with Henry. Ala gagged. She glared at the both of them. "You're disgusting." She said simply, before turning, trying to hide the tears running down her cheeks.

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544 Reviews

Points: 30084
Reviews: 544

Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:18 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello my dear friend, FlamingPhoenix here with yet again another review for you on this warm night.

Right let's get to it.

So in this chapter I did pick up on some things that can be fixed to make it better. So let's get right to it shall we?

Okay so here is the first one that I saw.

where they were hidden from Alas line of sight.

Okay so the word in bold is what I would like to talk about. So Ala in her name right? So you should have an apostrophe between the A and the S. It's just a simple mistake I do all the time, so you don't need to worry over it.

Okay let's move onto the next thing I saw.
"Tiana could be saying anything to him, anything."

Okay so I'm talking about the word in bold again. So there isn't anything wrong with it. But I have something to say that will make this sentence have more emotion. So instead of a full-stop you should put an exclamation there instead, so it brings across the worry she has.

Right that's all I could see that needs to be fixed.
So this chapter was filled with lot's of things I didn't see coming! But I'll get to some of them soon.
First it's good to see Jenny and Ala getting along really well, it's really sweet seeing them become close friends, though we haven't got to meet Jackie yet, I wonder what she is like, is she mean like Tiana or sweet like Jenny? Just so many things could happen.

Anyway it was sweet seeing them be kind of like Ninja sneaking around to room. I just had am image of to kids dressed in all black masks over their face sneaking around, it really did give me a good laugh.

And I'm sure Henry said "I don't love you Tiana." But Ala just heard the end of the sentence. And gosh does Tiana play the part of being a little bully really well. She just kissed Henry because she saw Ala and Jenny.
I really want to say some mean things about her but that wouldn't be very nice, just no she is rubbing me up the wrong way!!!! *mad*

I wonder if Ala will ever talk to Henry again, or if the pore boy will try and talk to her and tell her what really happened, I can only see in the chapter, if Ala will forgive him or hate him.

Anyway that's all from me for now. I will be moving onto the next chapter, you really do have me hooked with all theses cliffhangers, I will say it is driving me insane but it always makes me look forward to the next chapter. I hope you will post again soon and have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
Reviewing with a fiery passion!! ;)


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307 Reviews

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Reviews: 307

Tue Aug 13, 2019 4:58 pm
Liberty wrote a review...

Hiya Horisun!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to - yeah - give you a review. Let's get started, now shall we?

Alright, so great chapter! Very middle school-ish type, you know? But I guess that's what it was supposed to be like, judging by the chapter's name. ;) Anyways, there were, like, two things I'd like to point out and I'll do it quick.

Ala watched them closely as Tiana lead Henry around the corner, where they were hidden from Alas line of sight.

That bold word needs an apostrophe before the "s".

Jenny and Ala slinked under tables, and pressed there backs against the walls, until they could hear Tiana and Henry's voices.

"there" is actually supposed to be "their". "There" as in "Look over there!" and then "their" is like "It's their toy. Not ours.".

She said simply, before turning, trying to hide the tears running down her cheeks.

This. Broke. My. Fricking. Heart. DX WHYYYYYYYY DOES FATE HAVE TO BE SOOOOO CRUEEEEEL??????? It likes to be and it'll stay like that forever. Whatever. It's totally fine. But I'm sure Ala and Fate will work it out sometime. I can't wait to see what happens next! This was a great chapter and I enjoyed reading this! :smt023

And as always...

Keep on writing!


Horisun says...

LOL! XD Thank you for the review!

Liberty says...

Not a problemmm! :)

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89 Reviews

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Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:19 pm
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shieldmaiden wrote a review...

I've a feeling that Henry was made to say -love you, Tiana! She manipulated him somehow. However, it is possible that he does like her. Little boys can easily be dissuaded by conniving little girls. Look forward to the next chapter. Are we going to see them when they are older? I would really look forward to seeing them all older and how they grow up. Keep writing!

Horisun says...

Thank you for the review!

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61 Reviews

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Reviews: 61

Fri Aug 09, 2019 5:24 pm
Awru wrote a review...

Tiana you little...........I have a lot of things o say for her. But swearing isn't appreciated here. I bet she framed Henry. I bet she told Henry if he did that she would leave Ala and him alone. But ofcourse Henry was too innocent to realize the scheming brats intentions, she knew those two r gonna follow em. One thing for Tiana though she has Dangerous Love.
I think the previous chaps title Friends turned Enemies suits this quite well since now the real drama has begun. Maybe you should merge the two chaps and explain what happened after the punishment Of Ala and Jenny in the form of flashbacks or sth.
Tiana reminds me so much of McKenzie. I am telling you those two and each of their minions would get along fairly well. Have you read Dork Diaries though. Its by Rachael Renee Russell. Kinda like a diary, typical life of a teenage girl and you just can't miss the drama.
Oh!! The Drama!!
Keep Up the Excellent Work :smt023

peace out

Memento homo, quia pulvis es et in pulverem reverteris (Remember, man, that you are dust, and you will return to dust)
— Genesis 3:19