I fiddle at the edge of the bookmark for a moment, hesitating. But I know I’m going to open it eventually.
‘Messages’ isn’t quite the right word for it.
I think I get pieces of outlines, drawings of characters, that sort of thing. It usually signals a big shift in the plot. I haven’t gotten any in awhile.
I never see
the drafts coming. It’s the one thing I never catch glimpses of.
Sometimes I see small things, like what we’ll have for lunch.
More often, however, I see the big stuff, like a hurricane.
You’d think letters from our equivalent of God would count.
I sigh, and flip open my notebook.
It’s a picture of some guy I’ll meet. Darker hair, of course, to mark him as ‘important’, a piercing blue gaze, obviously, and a very handsome face-
Oh no.
I slam the notebook shut, and bury my face into my hands. Trying to block out the oncoming changes to the story, and the new, fuzzy voice that buzzes in my head.
I’ll ‘meet’
him in gym on Friday. It’ll have been like he was always there, always a part
of this story. He’ll come up to me, and we’ll talk about Star Wars until we get
in trouble with the teacher.
And since when did I like Star Wars?
Since The Author watched the latest movie, apparently, as the picture bore an
uncanny resemblance to Kylo Ren.
I had to stop this from happening.
My mind raced, I tried to stand up to run to the bathroom, but my limbs refused to move. I tried to cry out, but my mouth was sealed shut. I bit, I pushed, I kicked…
Until finally, Ms. Julian stepped out of the room, and Miley sat beside me.
It all came crashing down on me at once.
I didn’t have any control.
I couldn’t cut myself free.
I was trapped.
“That’s my seat.”
I looked up to see Jessica scowling down at Miley.
She shifted, “Ms. Julian said it was free seating.”
“It’s an unspoken rule.”
Miley glanced at me, and I felt myself shrug.
Jessica rolled her eyes, and pinched her nose, “Look, clearly your new here, so I’ll give you one chance to get the truck out of my seat, unless you want to have some problems.”
“Shut it, Jessie.” Emily says. “We’ve all heard your little speech a thousand times.”
Jessica tilts her head towards me, as if she had just realized I was there. “Look at you, standing up for the new girl. Stay out of this, Harper. Let the big kids play.”
“That’s big
talk coming from the Queen of Dress Up herself.” Emily snapped.
Some of the boys in the back oohhhed
playfully.
Jessica narrowed her eyes down at Emily. Before she
backed away a couple paces.
Then, her mouth opened, and she seemed to say something, but Emily couldn’t
hear it. Miley turned pink as Jessica walked away.
I crashed back into myself.
That's not right.
She's supposed to say a mean comment about Miley.
What's going on?
But before I could puzzle it out any further, Ms. Julian stepped into the room, and started her lesson.
I bent my head down, and tried to listen.
End of chapter
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137,638 Literary Works • 672,056 Reviews
I actually have to disagree with the other reviewers, the extreme amount of paragraph breaks may not be completely grammatically correct, but it's darn interesting. It's like poetry, and it really communicated how the character feels. I think If I were you I would still do it, but sparingly. This chapter was as interesting as the last couple, but I do wonder how Emily hasn't discovered she has no free will yet, has she never tried to go off-script. Also, I'm wondering how plot plans to happen if our character has no free will? How will they be freed? Will the ever meet The Author, and I do like that added touch that it's capitalized, like how all He's referring to the God are capitalized.
But that's all just my two cents!
I'm excited to see where it goes!
Thanks, and keep writing
-Andrew
Thank you for the review!
Emily does know she has little to no free will, and she has fought against The Script before. It's basically like she's trapped in a current, she'll always be swept away, but she can still do little things, like turning her head, or itching an itch.
Hey, it's Myth back with a review.
You gotta work on the paragraphing. I get that you're trying to split these bubbles of thoughts but then when there's a part that stands out from all these separate ideas, it causes a problem for the person reading it. It creates confusion.
Let me explain with an example.
Do you see it? This "Oh no" could be isolated as a separate paragraph from all the rest, but you can't do that now because you've separated all the ideas. You need to work on this. I'd suggest only jumping to the next idea when the idea current has completely passed.
Like the last chapter, however, the dialogues and even the monologues in these "bubble thoughts" as I put it are well done and there's no lack of development. It all flows smoothly and there's no unrealistic reactions and occurrences. So... good job there.
Since it's a short chapter, that's pretty much all I have to say.
Good job! Keep writing!
Yours sincerely,
Myth <3
__|_|__
Hello, hello, hello! I'd say I'm here for a review, but I'm sure Emily knows that already.
I'd like to start by saying that Emily is already a very likable character, which is impressive considering that she's only really been complaining the whole story, not that I can blame her. The fourth wall being practically nonexistent is both refreshing and hilarious. I'd love a scene where Emily is reading a Generic Coming of Age Novel with a checklist or something, trying to figure out her place in the story.
My first critique would be the paragraph length. There's nothing particularly wrong with shorter paragraphs, but when all of them are 1-4 sentences, it makes it very difficult to absorb the story, especially coupled with the lack of detail and quick chapters. The plot points are flying by very quickly so far. Which leads into the next issue, which is the suspense, or lack thereof. Unreal is clearly meant to be a comical take on modern storytelling, but by the end of the chapter, there's nothing really prompting the reader to continue. A cliffhanger, or serious event would The drama with Jessica (who needs to sit the truck down and shut the dwell up) is resolved very quickly, and the characters don't seem to suffer any lasting consequences. No threats, no comeback, she just kinda leaves.
Overall, this was a good chapter with some minor flaws. I really look forward to reading more!
-Alpacas
Thanks for the review! I actually adore the idea of Emily reading a book with a checklist at hand XD
I actually split this chapter into two halves, so that's might be why it seems awkward here. I'll have to go back and fix that.
@HarryHardy @MoonIris @EM8650 @ChrisDixon
This is chapter two of the previously unnamed project you all reviewed... I retitled it Unreal, just so you're aware.