z

Young Writers Society


12+

Lora and Julia

by Horisun


"Julie! Julie! Come see the roses! " Lora knocked on the door rapidly. The door opened. Julie stood their, blinking sleep out of her eyes. Her hair was dark, and her skin was fair. She was barely a year older than Lora. 

 "Lora, it's so early! And my mother and father would worry!" Julie said .

 "Oh, come on. Let's go play! You can't be that tired!" Julie sighed and went back into her room to change. When she came back out, Lora grabbed her hand and dragged her outside to the garden.

 " Woah! Slow down! " Julie said, but she was giggling. 

 "Just look at these roses! There so beautiful!" Lora cried. They slowed to a stop as Lora gazed at a particularly pretty one. She reached out to touch it, but stopped and turned back to Julie.

 "Wanna play tag?"

Fifteen years later...

 "Aren't these roses pretty?" Lora asked. Julie nodded slightly, but kept walking. Her eyes were glazed, and Lora doubted she was listening. "Are you ok? You've been acting off all day."

 "Its... Nothing." She said. Lora gripped her hand.

 " You can tell me. " Julie pulled away.

 "Its nothing."

 They walked in silence. Julie started to relax.

 "I need to tell you something," Julie said.

 " What? "

 "I'm getting married."

 After a brief moment of shock, a grin spread across her face.

 "Really? I'm so happy for you-"

 "We're moving."

 Loras mouth hung open. Her heart seemed to stop.

 "I'm sorry, I really am. But it's always been my dream to see the ocean." Julie said.

 Lora couldn't listen to another word. She turned and fled, not thinking about where she was going. Her heart thumped against her chest, and tears threatened to fall. The path swerved into the woods, branches got caught in her hair and she lost her shoe. But Lora didn't care. How could Julie do this? For a boy!?

Lora tripped on a root. She was covered in scratches and mud, she couldn't hold it in anymore. She cried. She cried and cried and cried. She wailed and shook. It must have been a hour before someone lifted her to her feet and lead her into a small cottage and a bed.

 "Drink up, dear, you'll be okay." Lora looked up and met the eyes of a elderly woman, her hair was gray and her eyes were a warm brown, she was holding out some tea for Lora to take. She reached forward for the tea, warmth spread through her as she held it in her hands. But she didn't drink it.

 "Now, tell me what happened."

 Lora opened her mouth, and words came flowing out. She shivered as she told the story, but her tears dried out. 

The woman sat still before she spoke. "I lost a friend to a boy, too, once." She stared off into the distance, "My greatest regret is I didn't do anything about it. She died, you know." The woman stood up and rummaged through her cabinet for a moment before pulling out a small bottle with a honey colored substance.

 "Pour this in her finances drink, and your friend will be yours again." The woman dropped the bottle in Loras outstretched hands.

 "Use the entire bottle. It won't work, otherwise."

 Lora stared at the bottle, a malicious grin spread across her face. She remembered all the times Julia came home late, or couldn't hang out. How has she not noticed this before? But it didn't matter now. 

 "Thank you, Mrs?"

 " You can call me the Witch of the Roses. " The woman said. Lora hugged her and left with her spirits higher. Guilt would come. But Lora was to overjoyed to think straight.

Then, Lora crashed right into Julia, the bottle slipped from her pocket and rolled to Lora.

"I-" She started,

"Don't apologize, I'm the one whos sorry, I was going to ask if you wanted to come to out celabration tomorrow." Julia picked up the bottle, she looked at it, confused

Tomorrow. She thought

"Oh- Oh, of course. Sure." Lora slid back.

"Whats this Lora?" 

"Nothing!" She grabbed the bottle from her friends hands.

 "I got to go, my moms calling me..." She waved and ran towards her house. Guilt had begun to crash her joy. But I need to do this. Lora thought. If I don't do this, I'll lose Julia. 

Lora set the bottle on her shelf. She checked her wardrobe for some nice close, she found a light blue dress, it wasn't fancy, in fact, it was quite plain. But it was better than nothing

Lora slipped into a night gown, blew out the candle, and fell asleep. Her dreams were restless, she saw a man lying dead, and Julie on top of him, screaming at Lora. How could you? When Lora woke up, She felt uneasy, but her dream had faded from her memory.

Lora cleaned herself up as much as she could, and put the bottle in her pocket. Perhaps she would get the chance to speak to Henry at the wedding.

A knock came from the door. Lora opened it, and Julie was standing there.

"Ready to go?"

Julie had a dress that was a deep blue, she was wearing a pearl necklace and hair up. Of course she has to look nice. Lora thought bitterly.

"Yes."

Julie smiled, they walked towards the party, Loras cheeks burned. 

"So, I just wanted to say sorry for, you know." Julie said.

"I'm sorry for freaking out." Lora lied. Julie smiled.

"I'm glad your not mad, we can still write, and visit once every one or two years." Julie said,

More like once every three years.

"Henrys really nice, I think you'll like him. He'll be a good Father." She rubbed her stomach nervously.

Lora stopped and stared.

"What!?" 

"Nothing!"

"That's why the marriage was so rushed, wasn't it?" Lora said coldly. Julie shook her head. But Lora made up her mind. This marriage needed to be stopped, now.

The party was small, both sets of parents were there, and Henrys siblings were too. There was only the odd friend or two. Lora made her excuses to Julie and casuly made her way to Henry.

"Hello, you must be the lucky fiancé."

Henry had a round face and nose, he had dark skin and brown eyes, his hair was messy, but he made it look good, he smiled at her.

"Hello, are Julies sister?" He asked.

"No, I'm her best friend."

"Oh, you must be Lora, Julies told me all about you." Henry said. Lora clenched her fists.

"Yes, yes I am. I wanted to congratulate you." A young girl walked over to them, she was holding a tray with some drinks on them.

"Drinks?" She asked.

"Yes please." Henry said. Lora her bottle out.

"Would you like to try my moms secret recipie? We always put this in our drinks." Lora asked.

"Sure." Henry took the bottle and poured a drop in his drink. Lora couldn't help but smile as he took a sip and the gagged.

"Uh!' He looked at Lora. "I mean, interesting?"

"Glad you like it." Lora said coldly. She turned and joined the dancing. It was a hour before she heard the screaming. everyone backed away, Lora couldn't help but look. Henry had collapsed on the floor, unmoving. 

"Henry!" Julie ran to him, she desperately put her ear to his heart, she gasped, then cried.

"Who did this?" She shouted, everyone looked around nervously, when a bottle rolled out from his pocket. Julie took one look at it, a before shouting in both anger and shock

"Lora!"

Evreyone stepped away from Lora, Julie locked eyes with her.

"Did you do this?"

Lora didn't say anything.

"Can you look into my eyes and tell me that you didn't do this?"

No, no she couldn't.

Julie took a step back. "Get her." 

No, NO!

Lora felt hands grabbing her, pulling her somewhere, before she knew it, she was thrown into a cell, tears fell from her eyes. she cried. She didn't eat, and when the day came she was before the judge, she was a wreck.

"Lora RubysDauther, acused of attempted murder-" The judge began.

"Attempted?"

"Henry Yarn didn't die, he fell into a coma. he's making a recovery as we speak."

Lora gaped at the judge. she'd not only lost her friend, she failed at saving her from that one, horrid boy. He only used a drop, didn't he?

"I think we can agree to a lifetime in the dungeon, any objections?"

There were none.

Lora should have cried, but all she felt was shame. How could she?

"Five years, she didn't succeed, and I think she's learned her lesson. She has lost her only friend" Julie said coldly. Lora gasped asJulie walked over to her.

"I'll forgive, but I will never, ever, forget." Then she turned and left, leaving Lora standing there, her friend gone, forever. Just what she deserved.


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Sun Jun 05, 2022 9:27 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I like this story because it reminds me of something I would write.Hey,maybe if you want to,I could pick one of my characters to meet one of the characters in this story.You can pick which character of mine you’d like to meet yours.I have plenty of character stories. I just think it would be a fun way to pass the time.Have a splendid day/night!




Horisun says...


Haha, thanks. I wrote this particular story a good couple years ago, so maybe not. But I'm very glad you liked it!





You%u2019re welcome!



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Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:56 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hey Horisun!


"Julie! Julie! Come see the roses!" Lora knocked on the door rapidly.

I would suggest making this sentence more active and instead of verb + adverb choose a stronger verb like banged or even just leaving it as knocked as that tells us all we need to know.


The door opened. Julie stood their, blinking sleep out of her eyes.

Spelling error, should be there.


"Lora, it's so early! And my mother and father would worry!" Julie said .

No space before the final period. I would suggest spicing up the tag here. One option would be to use a stronger verb, but a stronger way would be to give Julie an action or gesture to ground her in the scene and let us see how we should be reading her emotions. Maybe she tightens her grip on the door handle, or stares at the floor so she doesn't have to look at Lora.


" Woah! Slow down! " Julie said, but she was giggling.

I'm a big fan of using said but I think a different verb here would show the contrast in her actions and her speech.


"Just look at these roses! There so beautiful!" Lora cried.

Spelling error, should be they're.
They're = they are. Their = possessive. There = idk what the fancy term is, but it's for when you don't use the others.


They slowed to a stop as Lora gazed at a particularly pretty one.

What makes this rose particularly pretty? We only know as much as you tell us here - what colour is it, what size, what shape?


Fifteen years later...

This is quite cliche, so I wonder if the opening scene is entirely necessary. All it does is bring up roses and show that the two girls are friends, and you can do that later on without jumping in the timeline.


"Its... Nothing." She said. Lora gripped her hand.

Spelling error, its should be it is. Its = possessive, it's = it is.
When you end dialogue with a tag, like she said, you close with a comma and use a small letter. Eg. "It's nothing," she said.


" You can tell me. " Julie pulled away.

You do this a few times. Start a new paragraph when switching between characters, and keep a character's dialogue and actions on the same line.


They walked in silence. Julie started to relax.

Can you show this? Lora's noticed Julie's eyes being glazed over earlier, so how does her body change now she's relaxing?


After a brief moment of shock, a grin spread across her face.

Can you make this moment of shock more visceral? I'm assuming the face is Lora's, but it's not clear.


Loras mouth hung open. Her heart seemed to stop.

Missing apostrophe, should be Lora's. The last part is quite cliched, can you make it better?


"I'm sorry, I really am. But it's always been my dream to see the ocean." Julie said.

See previous notes about formatting dialogue and using said. Also I'm wondering why Julie doesn't just take a holiday if she wants to see the ocean so badly. It would certainly be cheaper.


It must have been a hour before someone lifted her to her feet and lead her into a small cottage and a bed.

It seems unrealistic that someone alone in the woods would let a stranger touch them and lead them to somewhere they didn't know. If you were crying and vulnerable, would you let someone haul you up and move you on without even looking at who it was?


Lora looked up and met the eyes of a elderly woman, her hair was gray and her eyes were a warm brown, she was holding out some tea for Lora to take.

Split this sentence where the commas are or reword so it's not a run-on.


The woman stood up and rummaged through her cabinet for a moment before pulling out a small bottle with a honey colored substance.

I would suggest adding more description of the woman's cottage so this cabinet doesn't appear from nowhere. It'll also add atmosphere, and you can signpost if we're meant to read this woman as good or evil.


"Pour this in her finances drink, and your friend will be yours again." The woman dropped the bottle in Loras outstretched hands.

Finances = fiance's
Also apostrophe.


Lora stared at the bottle, a malicious grin spread across her face. She remembered all the times Julia came home late, or couldn't hang out. How has she not noticed this before?

Is this the right phrase? It definitely turns Lora into an malevolent character.
Tense switch with has, and noticed what?


But Lora was to overjoyed to think straight.

Should be too


Then, Lora crashed right into Julia, the bottle slipped from her pocket and rolled to Lora.

Name mix-up? Where is this scene taking place?


"I-" She started,

Formatting, and also comma.

"Don't apologize, I'm the one whos sorry, I was going to ask if you wanted to come to out celabration tomorrow." Julia picked up the bottle, she looked at it, confused

Tomorrow. She thought

Missing apostrophe.
Should this be celebrating?
This last line doesn't feel connected to anything


"Nothing!" She grabbed the bottle from her friends hands.

"I got to go, my moms calling me..."

Apostrophes


Lora set the bottle on her shelf. She checked her wardrobe for some nice close, she found a light blue dress, it wasn't fancy, in fact, it was quite plain. But it was better than nothing

Should be clothes?
Missing full stop at the end.
This bit about the dress feels weak. Lora hasn't really cared about clothes up until now, but if Julie is so important to her and this celebration is about her leaving, I feel like Lora would have more feelings, and more emotions would rise up at this point. Does thinking about the celebration harden her resolve? Does the sight of familiar clothes make her remember good times with Julie, and how important their friendship has been to her, and how she does want her to be happy?


Lora cleaned herself up as much as she could, and put the bottle in her pocket.

What does this mean? Doesn't she have a bath or a shower? What's stopping her from cleaning herself properly? As much as she could implies restrictions and a job half-done.


Perhaps she would get the chance to speak to Henry at the wedding.

How does she know his name? Julie told her nothing about him. And is this the wedding already? Weddings take a while to plan, and Julie said about a celebration, so I assumed it was just a celebration party, not the wedding itself.


A knock came from the door. Lora opened it, and Julie was standing there.

This makes it sound like they're staying in the same house, but Lora mentioned her mum earlier, which made me think she still lived at home.


Julie had a dress that was a deep blue, she was wearing a pearl necklace and hair up. Of course she has to look nice. Lora thought bitterly.

I'm having trouble pinning down Lora's emotional state. She wants Julie to stay because she doesn't want to lose their friendship, but she seems to resent her a lot. Is it that she doesn't want Julie to be happy because she (Lora) isn't happy herself? Jealousy would make more sense with the spite Lora shows, but her tears and hurt before she met the witch implied she was sad because her best friend was leaving her


"I'm glad your not mad

Should be you're.


visit once every one or two years." Julie said,

More like once every three years.

Is there such a big difference?


"Henrys really nice, I think you'll like him. He'll be a good Father." She rubbed her stomach nervously.

Apostrophe, and small letter.


The party was small, both sets of parents were there, and Henrys siblings were too. There was only the odd friend or two. Lora made her excuses to Julie and casuly made her way to Henry.

Apostrophe
Should be casually


Henry had a round face and nose, he had dark skin and brown eyes, his hair was messy, but he made it look good, he smiled at her.

Run-on sentence. Break it up.


"Hello, are Julies sister?" He asked.

Apostrophe, missed word, small letter.
Also how rushed is this wedding that he hasn't even met her sisters to know that Lora isn't one of them?


"Would you like to try my moms secret recipie? We always put this in our drinks." Lora asked.

Apostrophe. Should be [b[recipe[/b]. Comma for dialogue.


She turned and joined the dancing. It was a hour before she heard the screaming. everyone backed away, Lora couldn't help but look.

There's been an hour of dancing before the wedding ceremony?
Capital letter.


Evreyone stepped away from Lora, Julie locked eyes with her.

Should be everyone. Start a new sentence where the comma is.


Lora felt hands grabbing her, pulling her somewhere, before she knew it, she was thrown into a cell, tears fell from her eyes. she cried.

This is a cliched phrase, but it's also very unrealistic - the police would have to come, she'd have to be charged, she'd have to have a lawyer; it wouldn't all happen before she knew it.


"Lora RubysDauther, acused of attempted murder-" The judge began.

Should be accused, also formatting.


Lora gaped at the judge. she'd not only lost her friend, she failed at saving her from that one, horrid boy.

Should be a capital here. I'd like more information on why/how Lora sees Henry as a horrid boy.


"I think we can agree to a lifetime in the dungeon, any objections?"

Is this set in a fairytale world? I assumed it was contemporary.


Lora should have cried, but all she felt was shame. How could she?

She wasn't feeling shame a few lines ago, she was angry she hadn't succeeded.


"Five years, she didn't succeed, and I think she's learned her lesson. She has lost her only friend" Julie said coldly.

How come Julie has this much power in a courtroom? Also, comma to end dialogue.

-

Hey!

So you've got some strong dramatic elements here. It's an interesting idea about what friendship means to some people, and how selfishness gets so woven in. I also really like the witch of the roses - it's a really cool name, and I like how she just appears and then vanishes.

Lora is a very interesting character, and I feel like with some more work this could be a very sharp piece about toxic friendships and the desire for control. However you really need to dig deeper into her character and nail her motives and emotions, because right now she's all over the place. Even though I would consider removing the opening scene, it does nicely show how right from the beginning Lora wanted things to be done her way - she doesn't care that Julie might get into trouble, she just wants her friend there so they can play. That's a very important element that you could really build on. I read Lora as a selfish character who wants Julie there for herself because she's her (only?) friend, so she doesn't want to lose the power she has over her. But she also seems to feel shame, and her initial reaction is of sadness not anger, so it's confusing untangling what her genuine emotions are. Conflict is good, but you as the author need to know exactly what Lora is feeling, and I felt like she needed some more work to make her really believable.

Keep writing! PM me with any questions or follow-up.

-twit




trashykawa says...


wow. your review is bigger than the story.



Twit says...


im a thorough fish



Horisun says...


Thank you so much for the review!



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Wed Dec 26, 2018 10:35 am
trashykawa wrote a review...



wow. It looks like the short story section has been abducted by murderous characters. I read Trial by Tears (also about manslaughter) and before that there's Go out With a Bang (more manslaughter).

And then there's this. Betrayal. Killing your best friend's fiance. We're all such cheerful beings, aren't we?

So. Interesting Story.

Never mind the fact that the concept of 'best friend' was heartlessly butchered here. I can understand why Lora's angry, i would be too, but nuh-uh, i would NOT attempt murder, even if the guy's a heartless selfish bloated goat hell bent on separating two soul sisters, and i especially would not attempt murder and SMILe about it if the guy's a messy haired cutie. Obviously, this Lora character's a bit mental.

Okay, the introduction.

I understand that you put it there to show the friendship between the two girls, and the type of bond they have. What i could glean from it is that Lora's the more invested one in the relationship cuz even in the beginning, Julia seems a bit withdrawn, but willing do whatever Lora says, even if she doesn't want to (which shows a weak-willed personality).

Next.
in the beginning, Lora wants to hurt Henry because she feels betrayed by julia (unfair, anyone?) and because she wants to get her friend back (morbid much?). this conclusion was drawn when i read these lines:
"Pour this in her finances drink, and your friend will be yours again."
However, when you read: " she'd not only lost her friend, she failed at saving her from that one, horrid boy," you get the idea that Lora was being self-sacrificial and would not mind being thrown in prison for the well-being of her best friend. Contrasting, isn't it? Especially since selfless isn't the word one would use to describe a girl who wants her own happiness more than her best-friend's.

I read through the entire write-up a couple of times, and if you re-read it once, you'll find there are a couple of errors, some sentences that you could have probably written better, there are some words like 'fiance' which changed to 'finances' (that part when the witch of roses was talking to her); clothes became close (here:" She checked her wardrobe for some nice close,"), and some other overlook-able mistakes.

Personally, I felt as if the events were going a bit fast, too many days, too many shocks being compressed into a few lines. This occurs so very often in short stories, and that is why i seldom write them. It comes with experience, though, so keep writing.

I noticed some parts like: "Henry had a round face and nose, he had dark skin and brown eyes, his hair was messy, but he made it look good, he smiled at her." You combined quite a lot of sentences together without adding the required number of conjunctions, so my advice is to either separate the line into many different sentences, or to find a way to add all the information in a single sentence. (for e.g " Henry had a round face with dark skin, brown eyes, a very round nose and messy hair that he managed to look good in.)

Julia, Julia. She is obviously not the mental one here, but i think she started it all with the betrayal, best friends just don't do stuff like that.

Readers would also probably like to get more insight on that Witch of Roses, she comes in abruptly and leaves even more abruptly; the way her story is left hanging begs for an additional spin-off (which is advantageous to you, i guess).

Both Julia and Lora need some character development; they won't be anyone's role model any time soon, and i just hope that best friends do NOT follow after their footsteps.

Readers will like the ending, though, you've made us hate Lora a lot during the story and giving her what she deserved was satisfying (though my opinion would've been to chuck her in a psych ward).

Keep writing, i look forward to that spin-off tale of the witch of roses.




Horisun says...


Thanks for the reveiw! After reading it again myself, I totally agree with everything you said. I actually have no plans for the witch, but I might consider it!




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn