AN// I wrote this a while ago, just never posted it. I hope you like it! And LT, I am fine. Trust me.
Someone see me.
For I am more than just a single leaf,
I am the star that is dying but still living.
Someone see me.
Someone listen to me without stopping my soft words, my flitting voice.
Someone let me speak.
Someone let me have a choice.
I feel like I am falling.
Down a pit, of everlasting nothingness.
No escape, no end.
Just me.
And then the dust collects.
The dust is not bunnies, but demons.
Monsters with longs claws and teeths.
Dripping red liquid and bright white teeth.
I wonder if they will ever leave,
their cold touch so terrifying, that few can ever leave.
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138,220 Literary Works • 672,084 Reviews
Hullo E.E! Cat here to review this poem in the spirit of review day!
I'm going to try a different style of reviewing, so I hope it is still helpful!
I really enjoy this poem and the imagery and feelings you packed in. Some of my favorite lines were "I am the star that is dying but still living." and "The dust is not bunnies, but demons." I love the reference to 'dust bunnies'.
I couple things I want to suggest: Here, "Someone see me.
For I am more than just a single leaf," I think it would be better if you placed a semi-colon at the end of the first line and a period at the end of the second.In this line I would replace the comma with a semi-colon; "Someone listen to me without stopping my soft words, my flitting voice." And here; "Down a pit, of everlasting nothingness." I feel as if the comma breaks up the sentence too much and would be better off without it. Last one; I wonder if they will ever leave,
their cold touch so terrifying, that few can ever leave." The latter line is the only place where you don't capitalize the fist word of the sentence. It is also a bit confusing, so I have a suggestion on how to reword it so you can fix the comma weirdness and confusingness. "I wonder if they will ever leave;
With their cold touch so terrifying, that few ever leave." To conclude this, I just want to say this is what I think would help your poem, but they are all just suggestions.
Well, great job! Keep writing!
I am very glad that you are ok, I know that you may not think that, but in a little piece of your mind, it's telling you that you're gonna get through this. And I'm glad you're listening to it. While you may feel down at times, I hope you come to me for anything, funny advice, stories of my life, anything, trust me, I'll tell you anything!XD Ha...ha....ha......
Pollution: Idiot, you think that telling something everything about yourself is funny, you have a terrible sense of humor, no wonder I hate you.
Please tell me you like puns. Puns are the best. Puunnnnnssss
You know I like puns!XD There the best, even if some of them are cheesy!
Like all the stars in the sky that may have died yet still leave their light for us to see,
your wonderful poetry will live and be a testament to you.
Well done.
My new favorite review. Thank you!
How long ago did you write this
Like, I dunno. A month or two.
ACTUAL TEARS
wait WHAT
ACTUAL T E A R S
@Dreamworx95 @DemonGoddess @LordTachanka @woahhitherepal @WhosabellCanWrite @TheBlueCat @LittleLee @269609 @Lake