Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic


Distance Hurts

by DeerInBacPac


(First try at poetry, figured I would give a shot!) 

ATTENTION! I have something hidden on the side of the poem, it's why I have it written this way!

   The distances hurts, I know. 

   Oh, but close your eyes, my dear, 

   Get ready to watch as this story unfolds. 

   Each seeing one another, 

   To hear my voice as I hear yours.

   Hey, this is love, can't you see? 

   Especially the strongest emotion of them all. 

   Really painful I know, 

   How though, is it that we love one another, isn't that so? 

   Oh yes, close your eyes dear,

   Now,  watch as I dream of you and you dream of me. 

   Even miles away, yet close enough to speak. 

   You love me and I you love, don't you see?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:09 am
Mathy wrote a review...



This is another wonderful and tricky poem that I will be deciphering, and I am ZeldaIsShiek! I have a lot to save today, so let's get to it!

First of all, I'd like to state the underlying theme of this poem that is the fact that the poet of this poem is the one who is manipulating the lover, someone who loves them very much, and is trying to assure them that they love them, but the person this poem is directed at is not so sure that they are really loved. The secret message is "TOGETHER HONEY," and I think I know Why. After all, it's really just another clue to the meaning of this entire poem! Though the title is "Distance Hurts," I can not be sure that this is the theme of the poem itself, and the titles are not always the same as the poems themselves. On to the meaning!

The main reason I came to the conclusion that I did was the last line. Though the protagonist says, "You love me and I you love, don't you see?," they use the weird structure and passive state of the second clause in the sentence to trick the audience into thinking it's a balanced relationship while it is in fact anything but balanced. Heads I win, tails you lose. Fair... But not really. Good work.

-ZeldaIsShiek




DeerInBacPac says...


Your meaning was mostly correct. It is a fair relationship but most of the poem is mostly about one assuring the other that they will make it, even though so many say otherwise.


Random avatar
Mathy says...


Oh, okay. That makes sense.



Random avatar

Points: 389
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:26 pm
View Likes
popsicles says...



Yes distance hurts a lot, I can relate to this poem so much, I really like this one....distance is painful I agree and your poem about distance is strong, it hit me, really! Distance can be far, but distance can be close in our hearts, because Love is very powerful. I love the last two lines very much and I like the line '' To hear my voices as I hear yours'' that is straight to the point, that line is beautiful. Distance looks painful but we can hold our dear ones close in the Heart

Well this was a quick review from Bree,

Keep on writing and let me know when you post something new...
You are really a good Poet! :D

Love: Bree




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks Bree! I will gladly tag you in the next poem I write.


Random avatar
popsicles says...


okay cool :D



DeerInBacPac says...


:P



Random avatar

Points: 389
Reviews: 17

Donate
Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:19 pm
View Likes
popsicles wrote a review...



Ooh woow I know the disctance is a painful thing. But it makes us also feeling stronger. The distance in Love is hard, this poem really describes my feelings. I miss someone too, very much and I can't see him anymore. So yes distance hurts. It is not fair sometimes in Life, but with hope and our dreams we can go really far. We grow each and every day. I know he is now far away from me, but he stays close in my Heart....always..

Really enjoyed your poem....one like for you!




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you so much Popsicle! Its nice to know that someone else knows the pain. No one really supports me in the relationship so its even harder. This comment just made my week!


Random avatar
popsicles says...


Hahaha I know, but hey than, we're not alone anymore, we can get thorugh this ;)



DeerInBacPac says...


For sure! :D


Random avatar
popsicles says...


:D



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 4148
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:49 pm
View Likes
PenmanshipPriority wrote a review...



Hey Flumadiddle,

Here for a short yet sweet review on your poem, so let's get straight into it

TOGETHER HONEY - I noticed that straight away, this completely goes against the comments about taking the 'ohs' out because it would ruin the intention/style of the poem.

Alot of people underestimate age, I think it's a gift that you can write so well at 14!
You also state that this is your first try at poetry ( I doubt ever) but it's a good debut piece on YWS

Going for an anagram in a poem is quite challenging, especially when the work is getting reviewed, alot of people will comment on the lousy fillers that people use on certain words. The word 'hey' isn't exactly great. It sounds too casual. I can't recommend any suggestions for you that would provide the same length unfortunately.

I think in your position it would be better to establish that your poem is acrostic with a short message at the bottom. Otherwise alot of reviewers will dig into the fact that you used words like 'oh' and 'hey'.

When conveying the theme of comfort, a strong ending to the poem isn't always needed. So I disagree with @Steggy's comments on the 'sudden' ending.

'Especially the strongest of them all'
What is them in this context? Who is them? I'm confused, is it the abstract feeling?

Overall I enjoyed reading the poem and thought it was a good start, particularly because it was your first time...

If you have any questions in regards to my comments or want to PM me about any queries, please don't hesitate!

PenmanshipPriorities




DeerInBacPac says...


Thank you for the review @PenmanshipPriority! And thank you, about me being able to write this well and only being 14, it helps. :)



User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:03 am
View Likes
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
The distances hurts, I know.

Oh, but close your eyes my dear,

Get ready to watch as this story unfolds.

Each seeing one another,

To hear my voice as I hear yours.

Hey, t{T}his is love, can't you see?

Especially the strongest of them all.

{It's r}eally painful I know,

How though, is it that we love one another, isn't that so?

Oh yes, close your eyes dear,

Now, watch as I dream of you and you dream of me.

Even miles away, yet close enough to speak.

You love me and I you love, don't you see?


I don't agree with the reviewer below that you need to remove the "oh"s. To me, that just takes away from the flow. This is actually pretty good for your first poem, and I was really impressed. Yes, some amateur mistakes, but we all make those eventually. One last thing: you don't need to tab your sentences. YWS format separates the lines for you.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image




DeerInBacPac says...


Thanks for the review!



zaminami says...


Thanks for pointing out the TOGETHER HONEY



DeerInBacPac says...


No problem!



User avatar
279 Reviews


Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

Donate
Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:58 am
View Likes
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

I really do like the message you are conveying in this poem, mainly since it deals with kind of a long distance relationship on the rocks, I suppose. What I think is the strongest about this is the meaning behind each of the words that are within this. Another thing would be the beginning and ending because it is almost some calming words that the narrator is speaking to the person they love. While I do like some of the lines in this poem, I do believe you could make it a bit better and with that, let's get into the nitpicks.

The first nitpick I have would be maybe having two voices in one poem. By that I mean, you could do where the narrator speaks and then in italics or something, have the lover response to their message. That way it can be kind of a poetic and symbolic thing of their long-distance relationship. Then, maybe even in the end, have their thoughts combine, showing that they are together. I think if you were to do that, it could possibly bring the poem together nicely.

Oh, but close your eyes my dear,

Get ready to watch as this story unfolds.


There should be a comma after eyes but besides that, I don't really think adding 'oh' before the first stanza was really necessary because it kind of messes up the flow for that line. You could get rid of the 'oh, but' part and it would sound a little better as 'close your eyes, my dear' since you don't want to go gently with the opening line, you kind of want to thrust it towards the reading, if that makes sense.

Hey, this is love, can't you see?

Especially the strongest of them all.


The first stanza, I feel, should be in italics since it kind of seems like the narrator speaking to his girl/boyfriend and the italics around strongest isn't really needed and that whole line itself seems to be a bit wonky. Basically, I think you should try to reword it so it can match the first line's beat/message. That way when the reader is reading it, they are able to place those two lines together. One way you could reword it is 'especially since it is the/the strongest of them (what is them? Do you mean love?) all' or something similar.

The ending to this poem feels a bit sudden. You could go a bit further with this and perhaps even show how the narrator might feeling during all of this. The ending should tie this whole poem together and right now, it is kind of a loose piece of thread. A suggestion I have would be trying to read this poem to figure out where the beats and when to make each stanza a couplet or whatnot.

Overall, I did enjoy this poem but I feel you can make it stronger. It does have a nice message because you convey the theme of comfort through a long-distance relationship. If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




zaminami says...


The "oh" is needed.

Read it.

Like an acrostic poem.

It says TOGETHER HONEY



DeerInBacPac says...


YEAH STEGGY! Thanks for the review though! I'll make the changes soon. :D




Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher