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Ashes, Ashes

by DeerInBacPac



Authors Note - This is part three of Pocket Full of Posies. I recommend reading the first part before reading this one!

Now its back - the monster. 

Over and over, like a phoenix with it's flames. 

To and fro, the pattern just the same. 

And here I am, feeling happy again. 

Gaining something, then losing it. 

And here I am, feeling mislead again. 

I'm so lost in my own forsaken forest known as emotions, 

Now I don't want to tell those who I trust that I am becoming ashes.  


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:38 am
Mathy wrote a review...



Hi, you know who I am, and I am eager to jump into this poem and pick it apart from the inside, so let's GOOOOOO!

The first thing I noticed and LOVED about this poem was its reference to classic mythology through the addition of phoenix symbolism. The phoenix is a bird that is burnt down every 1,000 years, only to rise from the ashes as a flaming bird. A true symbol of determination, the phoenix is found everywhere from Fall Out Boy songs to the cover image of "The Roleplay Geeks" on YWS. The next thing I noticed was the message, this time saying "NOT AGAIN." Having I ever told you how clever I think you are to make your poem make sense and still incorporate a secret message? No? Now I have. Anyway, this poem's theme is the poet's problems rising up over and over again like a monster coming back to eat away from them. They feel happy when they move on from their problems, but they always find them again. The last line parodies the second line, stating, "Now I don't want to tell those who I trust that I am becoming ashes," and meaning that the poet doesn't want others to see that their problems are burning them up. However, they don't realize that they will once again rise and reclaim their position as master of their own destiny.

-ZeldaIsShiek




DeerInBacPac says...


Holy shit Zelda. HOLY. SHIT. I could not read this without blushing and smiling like a goober! Thank you so much! You nailed the meaning, by the way.



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Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:26 am
DeerInBacPac says...



@ZeldaIsShiek



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Mathy says...


Thanks! I'll review it right now!



DeerInBacPac says...


No problem!



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Thu Oct 26, 2017 5:34 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Flumadiddle. Casanova here to do a review for you, so let's get started shall we.

The first thing I have to say on this one is that you actually provide imagery in this one and I think you have a really neat idea here. I'm a fan of phoenix poetry, I've written a few myself, so let me give you a few pointers on it.

1) The first thing about Phoenix imagery is the repetition. I don't mean to say say it a thousand times, but I think implementing it into the poem a couple of times here or there works. Not any large detail, just something small and might be asked for you to repeat if a listener didn't completely hear you properly. I think that would work well.

2) If there's one thing about Phoenix's I've enjoyed, it's the fact that they live their life in pain, growing until they combust into flames, then are reborn in their ashes. Implementing pain into the situation is a good way to connect with Phoenix imagery, and helps you deal with your own pain and things as well.

The one thing I don't like is that ending line, where you say you're becoming ashes. Although it is truee that the phoenix will become ashes, they will be reborn from those ashes. So If you're comparing yourself to the phoenix, I say it shouldn't be as morbid as the ending is. I could see saying how you're creating a better you, like a phoenix rising from the flames and stuff like that, in all honesty.

ANyway overall I think this is a decent idea and I like where you're heading with it.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keepin on.


Sincerely, Casanova




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 6:22 pm


LordTachanka says...


Can you tag me in all of your works in the future?



DeerInBacPac says...


Okkie dokkie



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Wed Oct 25, 2017 6:18 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Flumadiddle! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Now its back - the monster.

Over and over, like a phoenix with it's flames.

To and fro, the pattern just the same. {If you meant to rhyme these two lines, "same" and "flames" don't rhyme}

And here I am, feeling happy again.

Gaining something, then losing it.

And here I am, feeling mislead again.

I'm so lost in my {forbidden} forest known as emotions,

Now I don't want to {anyone that I} am becoming ashes.


Other than the one grammar issue and the occasional flow issue, this poem was spectacular! The imagery was clear and the simile was used very well. You're great. Keep up the great work :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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zaminami says...


hoi poke



DeerInBacPac says...


Hoi




The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller