I remember,
The hours of playing together,
When we were young.
Those long ago days,
Of childhood sweetness,
When we were,
Innocent and free.
I remember,
When time had no meaning,
When we cared only for joy and play,
When our hearts were light and free.
I remember,
When we knew naught
Of the cares of adults.
When we knew naught of the
Trials and sorrows to come.
Oh, the remembrance of those
Sweet childhood days of innocence.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
This is awesome!!!
You described everything perfectly. No I'm not crying, my cheeks are sweating.
This was a one stanza and it gave it a childlike feel. The way you put this made me remember my own childhood in a sense. The wording was brilliant and I really have very little criticism. All I can suggest is:
Less commas, they sort of made me dizzy....
Maybe use more synonyms.
In my opinion, divide it into two or three stanzas.
Overall:
This was great and I love how honest and bitter your style is.
Jade
Hey FireSpyGirl! So I know nothing about poetry but I will give you my opinion anyways!
I LOVED it! I can relate to it a lot. It reminded me of a guy that I used to hand out with all the time but as we got older, we kind of stopped. The words exactly describe my emotions towards the subject so I can definitely relate. I'm sure that many people will relate to this, especially when going through our teen years lol.
The only thing that I caught, Bellarke already pointed out so well done!
Again, It is me, I am just on a roll today.
First:
This one had no stanzas, which you could have made three out of this. Maybe you did have them, because sometimes when I submit a poem, with stanzas, it just cuts the stanzas out. I dunno.
You can put the spaces for them before everytime you say,
so that we get the point, and it shows the changes.
I love the first few lines, because it makes me think back to when I first met my half sister, and all that we used to do. That was over seven years ago, which brings it all back.
Your punctuation and word choice were amazing, as always, because that is something that you are really good at.
I dont see anything more really wrong with this one either, you are very talented.
This is one of my favorites.
Keep going,
~ B E L L