You used to acknowledge me,
You used to say 'hi' when
You walked in the door,
And saw me sitting there
In the chair, in the corner.
It's like I'm a ghost.
~
You look at me, but it feels
Like you don't see me,
Am I a ghost?
~
You don't talk to me,
Unless I talk to you,
Even then it's like
You don't really hear;
I'm nothing but a ghost.
~
Your silence cuts into me,
The pain consumes me,
I wish you would tell me,
What happened, what I did.
~
I try to cry, but cannot,
The pain has won.
I can't even bring forth a tear,
No matter how hard I try.
This is why I'm now a ghost.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hey! I'm going to review this poem. Let's just skip the introductions and get into it then.
First stanza:
It got my attention quite quickly, I liked it but it just didn't flow.
I could feel your emotion, though, so you get points for that.
Second stanza:
this one was way shorter. Mostly stanzas are kind of the same length. Not always, though. This one flowed better and I think you portrayed the plot of this story quite well.
Third stanza:
You don't talk to me,
Unless I talk to you,
Even then it's like
Those lines flowed and in my opinion they were perfect! The syllables were 5, 6, 5. Even and awesome. The message was well put. Blunt and without a hard, over-the-top metaphor.
But then:
You don't really hear;
I'm nothing but a ghost.
It sounds a bit off. Maybe change the wording??
The fourth stanza:
Golden! No complaints. I liked how you used the word me at the end of each line except for the last. The bitter pain made my heart beat faster. *claps*
Fifth and final stanza:
I loved the way you ended the poem. Not a high note, exactly, but I felt the end was just the right amount of dramatic.
OVERALL:
This was good. I give it an eight out of ten! Keep up the good work, and I hope this helped. I'm not trying to be rude or harsh.
Your friend,
Jade
Hello FireSpyGirl! Katja here to review your poem! As always please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make, should you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, onto the review!
Overall Opinion & My Interpretation
My overall interpretation of your poem is that it expresses a deep sadness, seemingly caused by an unnamed/untitled person who has grown apart from the narrator. They even seem to avoid the narrator and their communication with them has changed even when they do interact.
Overall I really like your poem. I feel like you nailed the emotional state that the situation has put the narrator into. I especially liked the use of "Ghost" in here, as the narrator feels like they are not being seen or heard by this person they really seem to love/admire in some way.
My Suggestions
There is seemingly no reason for why this person has begun to avoid/ignore the narrator. Even the narrator seems unsure of why;
If the narrator and this person were as close as the poem implies (the narrator is in "pain" by this change in their relationship which is something that would only affect them so much if they are close) why did the narrator not ask? Why do they just let this situation go? The lack of context for the situation makes it difficult to connect with what the narrator is going through.
Another thing for me was the lack of clarification on what the narrator and the person they are speaking of's relationship is. This is another aspect that makes it difficult to connect with the narrator.
It would definitely benefit the connection between narrator and reader to add these elements, even if subtly.
Final Thoughts
This was by far my favorite line, it really shows the depth of just how much the person's change towards the narrator is affecting them.
Overall I enjoyed your poem and I hope if you are personally going through this that you find resolution... Poetry is such a beautiful outlet and is truly therapeutic.
I look forward to reading more of your work soon!
-Katja
It is me, already here! lol. That was so fast.
First off, I wanna say that this kinda caught at my heart, it made me sad, (In the good way if that makes enough sense)
Your last stanza:
It got at my heart the most, because, well....someone in my life is dying right now, and there is absolutly nothing that i can do, no matter how much that I love her. And this poem explains everything perfectly.
I literally almost cried.
Secondly:
Your punctuation wa amazing, i love how you dotted, and commad every sentences as you seen fit.
I don't honestly see anything wrong with this, so I guess that is going to be it.
I love this soooo much!!! I honestly dont know what else to say!!!!! GOSH I am at a lost of words.
Keep writing more like this!! IT is amazing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
~B E L L