Come back

Hi FireSpyGirl!

This poem is really deep. I find anyways. It speaks of so much emotion and truth that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. It's never easy to hear those things on the radio and it really makes you sick to know that some people out there are crazy enough to take a child's life. I especially like
"I pray day and night for your safety,

I hope and pray that you make it back okay,

Everything I haven't told you runs through my head,

Every minute, every hour, every day.

If you don't come back, I will cease to exist.

I wish only to say three words to you."

Not many people would pray for those people and I find that a respectable thing to do. GOOD ON YOU!

The only spot that I think could have been better was this one
"You won a contest,

You fully deserve the reward.

But you are there, in California.

Now, my days are filled with terror,

My heart is full of fear, love, and pain."

I can feel the emotion and desperation but there was something about it that wasn't quite as good.

In all, well done. It is a beautiful poem! Keep up the good work!
Your friend,
Honora

Hello!

There's a very clear emotion of desperation and worry in this piece. You conveyed that extremely well with how short the phrases are, how quickly the thoughts are streamed together while also presenting how stagnant the speaker's thoughts are too. It's very real, very relatable, and well-written.

I love how you immediately set up the scene here with the radio. I was sad that the radio wasn't referenced again in any way, nothing about the broadcaster or the static in their ear or anything like that. Still, though, it sets up the environment for this voice, and I like it a lot. It seems to work way better than a TV or Facebook or any other means. Radio just absolutely works.

The second stanza has some really good stuff in it. There's a lot of whiplash between emotions when reading it though, in my opinion. While the quick and stagnant thoughts are present in this stanza, it definitely wrenches the reader from anger to pride to worry so quickly, I end up unsure as to how I should sympathize with the speaker. So the stanza as a whole reads as a little confused about what its purpose is within the whole piece.

I love the third stanza. I really love how we dip back into this worry and fear, the speaker desperate for a decent ending out of everything. We also get into their head about who this one person is, who they're trying to hang on to, who they're worrying over while huddled around the radio. The line where "If you don't come back, I will cease to exist" seemed a bit more dramatic than this piece was going for. It can work here, absolutely, it just kinda stood out as extreme.

Very awesome ending. I like the final line a lot. Draws the title into the piece, it's a final desperate line by the speaker that accurately portrays their panic, and it's relatable. In this situation, this is what loved ones are praying for. I kinda like the "I love you," but I'd definitely forego the exclamation point, and then possibly put another line break after it for more dramatic pause. You could also take it out, leaving a bit of mystery before it yet a mystery easily solved since "I love you" is typically the three words that that line references. However you want to go about it though, it's completely up to you. I love that last line though.

I like the piece! Yeah, it's a little rough around the edges, but it's very easy to clean up, I think. It's very lovely, and really the rush of thoughts actually works with this one. It just meshes really well with the speaker's panicked voice. There are a couple lines that end in commas but should probably end in periods? But that's little concern at this point and easily fixable with a read-through.

Well done! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there!

First of all, wow, this is a really intense poem. Well done for putting so much into it! There's so much raw emotion in it, but I actually feel like it could use more in the way of expressing it. For example, you call the news on the radio, but we don't see until later how it makes you feel. It almost doesn't do what the point of view is experiencing justice.

I think the formatting is a little confusing but overall okay. There is a way to format poems so that the lines are closer together if you're interested. Having the extra space between paragraphs is helpful, though, so it's not a huge deal either way but I thought I'd mention it.

In this section here:

"Children killed in California,

On purpose.

It makes me sick.

You won a contest,

You fully deserve the reward.

But you are there, in California.

Now, my days are filled with terror,

My heart is full of fear, love, and pain. "

I feel like there's a great amount of energy and feeling going into it, but it's not quite conveying enough. What kind of contest? Was it some kind of drawing? Talent? I also feel like the third line is a bit too short for the flow of the poem. It's nice, but by itself it breaks up the tempo. I would recommend elaborating on feeling sick so that it's both more expressive and sounds smoother.

Overall, great poem! Nicely done.

Toboldlygo