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Phantom part 2

by FireSpyGirl

Hazel shouldered her backpack and walked down the street. If anyone was to stop and talk to her, they would have noticed black rings under her eyes, her face was extremely pale and her eyes darted every which way. She jumped at every sound and she watched everyone. Hazel gave the impression of being a schizophrenic, and her parents were starting to believe that she was. She wasn’t, she was just being terrorized. For two weeks, Hazel had been hearing the sound of a chainsaw, and she never, ever slept anymore. She kept on getting these anonymous messages from someone who apparently knew everything about her. The profile picture was of a cloak, and that made Hazel even more nervous. She was to scared to tell anyone, mostly because she was convinced that no one would believe her. Hazel had changed her phone number last week and it had done no good. She had one day of no messages from her “stalker,” but she kept hearing the chainsaw. She could never, ever find the source, and she had tried everything and every way she could think of to figure it out. Hazel stared at her the doors of her school for a few minutes, took a deep breath and pushed one open. The chatter that flooded her ears made her cringe and hurry to her locker.

“Hazel!” A voice cried and Hazel jumped.

“Serena! Don’t scare me like that.” She said, forcing a smile onto her tired face when she saw her best friend. Serena stopped pulling books out of her locker and peered at Hazel. The laughter fell from Serena’s face.

“Hazel, what’s going on? You look like the walking dead.”

Hazel looked at her best friend. Should she really tell Serena? Would she believe her?

“I’m being stalked.” The words came out of her mouth before she could put anymore thought into it. Serena grabbed Hazel’s arm and started walking down the hall.

“By who?”

“I...I don’t know.” Hazel admitted with a sigh. They had reached English class now, and each slid into their desks. Serena’s was right in front of Hazel’s. The teacher hadn’t been talking for five minutes when the chainsaw noise started. Hazel clutched the edge of her seat, trying not to panic. Her breathing started to hitch. It sounded like it was outside, next to the window. Hazel looked around at everyone else. They were paying attention to the teacher and nothing else. They couldn’t hear it. It was getting louder. Now it sounded like it was right outside the classroom door. Hazel hunched down in her chair, shaking. She looked up at the window in the door and screamed. A skeleton face with red eyes a black cloak over it leered at her. Hazel crawled, sobbing and screaming to the back corner of the room. Her hands pressed over her ears, trying desperately to block out the chainsaw. The chainsaw that was right next to her, that sounded like it was about to descend on her, cutting her head from her body. She curled up in a ball, burying her head in her arms. Something was shaking her, but she didn’t look up, she couldn’t. It was just the sadistic being playing with his victim, trying to get her to look at him, trying to get her to look her death in the face. She felt the edge of the saw dig into her side…..

“HAZEL!” Someone slapped her hard in the face. She gasped, the stinging bringing her back. She looked up to see Serena kneeling next to her and the whole class standing around, curiosity and concern written on their faces. The face and chainsaw had disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared. Hazel realized she was shaking from fear.

“What is wrong with you?” Serena asked, and not bothering to get an answer, she hauled Hazel to her feet.

“I’ll take you home, call your parents, and stay until one of them gets back from work.” Serena finished, half carrying Hazel out of the classroom, ignoring the teacher and everyone else. The hallway had filled up with other students and teachers that Hazel’s screaming had attracted. As they made their way down the steps, Hazel shuddered. She knew, somehow, that she wouldn’t be safe at home. Something, or someone was out to get her. And get her they would.

A/N: Happy Halloween everyone!

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737 Reviews

Points: 6258
Reviews: 737

Mon Jan 06, 2020 5:48 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there FireSpyGirl.
I saw your story has been at the back of the green room for awhile and I decided to drop by. I haven't read the other part of this story but I am certainly going to try my best to review it.

The first thing, before I even had the chance to read any of the content, the wall of text put me off a little. There's always a certain aesthetic issue with walls of text, along with the possibility of it making it harder to get through the content. And once I did take a quick scan through the chapter, I did have some trouble processing all that was going on. Both of these big sections of text need to be separated out.

The ellipsis use and funky formatting on some of the dialogue might need tweaking. The use of ellipsis in literary works has always bothered me a little bit. If you are going to use them for the dramatic effect in this story, please make sure to use the proper amount of dots.

This and other things frustrated me as a reader while I was making my way through the text.

Starting so many of the sentences with "she", "hazel, and "the" is one of the things that was getting to me. The sentences fit together in a rather clunky manner, and I think they might need a little bit of rewording. With the second chunk of text, there definitely needs to be some reworking to add clarity to the situation. As a reader, I know that Hazel has to be facing this massive fear with whatever she is being haunted by. But when I keep re-reading through this, as a reader, I can't feel the fear that she must be experiencing. And that is really what you need to focus on.

In horror pieces, the reader should be able to feel that same bone chilling fear as the character is experiencing. I've tried to process all of what Hazel must be feeling but perhaps you could turn to it being more detail oriented. Of the horror that you describe, I can see that it definitely has some of those key horror elements.

But then it just ends too quickly for me with her friend slapping her out of it. That part might need a little bit of work too to make the flow more seamless. I'm not sure if you've written any more parts to this story or if it was supposed to be a somewhat standalone thing. No matter the status on that, the ending definitely needs some work.

And then that's really about it? All of the comments I had to make were on the overall basis. It's a good base for a story but it does need a bit of work to be at its best.

So happy January.
If you have any questions about this review, be sure to hit me up.
- Jack

FireSpyGirl says...

@CaptainJack-Hey, thanks for the review! It's been ages since I looked at it, and now I can definitely see what you are saying. My life is at a point where there is a lot of no so good things going on right now, and so I can't think straight right now, but when it calms down, I will definitely write you, if you don't mind that. I will definitely take all the advice I can about writing structure.

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Points: 496
Reviews: 337

Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:51 am
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Fishr wrote a review...

Hi there!

The title is responsible for grabbing my interest and I’m happy I read this story of yours because it was nostalgic. I used to love reading R.L. Stine books as a teen, and Stine had a habit of telling his readers everything that was happening. The way you presented the plot and Hazel’s plight reminded me of all the fun I had reading through his spooky books! So, thank you!

-“Hazel!” A voice cried, and Hazel’s best friend came running up to her. Hazel jumped and turned around— This sentence can out a little odd to me. Shouldn’t Hazel have jumped first, and then you can let us know after Serena is her good friend? I mean, if someone yelled at me while I was deep in thought about a mystery stalker, I’d jump too right off the bat. Haha. I just don’t think the second sentence is necessary.

Other than that, as I said, I enjoyed this read very much. Would love to know more about this phantom and chainsaw and how it’ll propel the plot further.

FireSpyGirl says...

Fixed, and thank you! If you read part one, it's kind of an introduction, might help you understand more.

This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer