A moment in time with younger me

If there was a moment in time

where I could sit and talk to you,

I don't know what I would say except "I'm sorry"

I can picture the moment,

You'd be sitting in a meadow,

studying the wildflowers. 

Bright red hair underneath the little straw hat,

dark blue denim jumper, contrasting with the grass. 

Nothing but happy and curious. 

You would get excited as I sat down beside you,

asking me all sorts of questions about who we grew up to be. 

Tears would sting my eyes as I shake my head and tell you

we didn't even come close to what you thought it would be. 

Or I didn't. It isn't your fault. 

We'll spend years struggling with our mental health

Lose all self worth and self esteem. 

We'll hate ourselves and be angry at life. For my part,

I'll always wonder if you would be disappointed and that makes the hate worse. 

We'll watch our second sibling be stillborn, 

we'll never forget the night, the fear, the grief. 

Never forget the blur of picking out flowers,

seeing him laying in the little coffin like he's asleep. 

The cloudy, windy day we lowered the coffin into the ground,

the purple tissue paper around the yellow and orange roses

didn't make a sound. 

Only 13 but it'll be years before we heal. 

We'll get our heart broken completely at 18. 

After that, we'll get into bad relationships and take all the blame,

from everyone. 

We'll spend years just surviving and lose who we are completely. 

But then we'll find a place to start getting better. 

We find mentors that help us come out of our shell,

people that believe in us.

We get better. Slowly. But it happens. 

We'll get a little brother at 20 years old. 

We take up martial arts and photography. 

We get our heart shattered, end up pregnant and lose it three weeks in

All at 23. But we keep going. 

We accept who we are, learn to protect ourselves better, 

stop hating ourselves and stop being angry. 

We find peace and contentment. Find our boundaries and hold them. 

We learn to like being alone, stop letting others and society drain our energy. 

We move back home and start getting better even faster. 

Our spark comes back, the passion. 

The peacefulness grows. Finally stop bleeding for everyone else. 

We still struggle with our mental health but it's so much less

and it doesn't overwhelm us anymore. 

I'm sorry I'm not the gorgeous badass you wanted to be,

I'm sorry we couldn't become a career firefighter. 

The Lyme disease won't allow it.

But we survived, we got better. Truly happy and content.

Finally at peace. 

I know I shut you out for a long time

but you never stopped being part of me.

So younger me, I hope you aren't to disappointed in me,

in how it all turned out. I wish I had done better and that you can forgive me.

Sadly our time is up but I won't shut you out anymore.

I'll see you the next time I need hope, the next time something silly makes me laugh. 

I'll see you around the bend little one