z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Fleta's Folly (pt. 2)

by Rook


~890 words

Gavin and I creep towards the house with the open window and door. The sky is bright, beautiful blue above us, and I almost feel as though we are untouchable. I know that’s a dangerous feeling, but sometimes my mind needs to breathe.

We get close enough to smell the sweet fruit in the pie, and hide behind a nearby bush, still scraggly from the winter. Gavin looks at me. “It’s too easy,” he whispers.

I nod. People don’t just leave pies out on window sills. We wait, listening for any sign of movement beyond the window. I hear nothing. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

Gavin looks uneasy, but reaches up to grab the pie. It slides easily off the sill. We dart away before someone notices, running back to our alley.

As far as I can tell, it’s a clean escape. We start in on the warm pie, eating it with our hands. I don’t recognize the fruit: It’s red and sweet and sticky. There are little seeds sticking to my fingers. I lick them off. This is easily the best thing I have eaten in weeks.

Gavin must have thought so too, because he devours it right along with me. We can’t stomach the entire thing, but we eat enough to notice that there is a scratched into the bottom of the metal pie tin. Curious, Gavin tries to take the rest of the pie out, holding it a little ways above the tin so as not to spill any. He only partially succeeds, as a glop of the delicious filling splats on the dirty ground.

“Can you read it? Quick!” he says.

I scoop up the fallen filling with my finger, and stick it in my mouth while I read, “Return the tin for another pie.” I see some other markings next to the words, looking more like lines than letters, but I recognized it. My eyebrows pull together. “Hey, it’s written in thieves’ language too.”

“Let me see,” says Gavin, moving the pie over, spilling more filling. “Huh, that’s weird.”

“Maybe we should return it?” I ask, tentatively.

“What if it’s a trap?” Gavin squints one last time at the writing on the tin, and then sets the pie back down.

“How would they know thieves’ language?” I argue. I won’t lie, the idea of another delicious pie is appealing to me, but I, too, am afraid that it’s a little too good to be true.

Gavin yawns. “Let’s think about it later. All I want now is good night’s rest.”

I agree. And there’s no point in returning a pie tin with pie still in it, after all.

---

There are butterflies and little else in my stomach, and my knuckles are turning white as I clutch the pie tin. I glance at Gavin and nod. He knocks on the door. Fear grips my heart and I’m regretting everything and I just want to run away, what am I thinking, stealing that pie and then waltzing right back… but it’s too late. The handle is turning, and the door opens to reveal nothing more than darkness.

There’s a pause, and a man’s raspy voice comes from beyond the door. “Come in, quickly.”

I uneasily step over the dusty threshold, Gavin right behind me. A shadowy figure closes the door behind us, then beckons us farther into the house. My neck hair is standing on-end, and it’s all I can do to keep my feet moving.

The figure leads us through a veritable maze of dark corridors which eventually opens up into a wider room, dusky with sunlight muffled by a curtain. The man in front of me looks tired, and his face is wrinkled. He sits down in a chair with a moan.

“I see you have my pie tin,” he says. He coughs a bit, and extends his hand toward me, gesturing for me to hand it over. I do. He looks it over as if it’s new to him. “I suppose I promised you a pie.” He looks at us like he’s expecting an answer.

“Yes, you did,” Gavin said meekly.

The man just looks at us.

“We’re very hungry,” I offer.

The man seems to come to a conclusion. “Well, I obviously didn’t know when you would, or if you would come back with the tin, so I couldn’t have one ready. And…” he falters. He rubs at his eyes, takes a breath and continues, “And this is my last tin, so I wouldn’t have been able to make one anyway. So few people return the tins. At first I thought that it was because they couldn’t read the note, so I got one of the few who bought it back to translate it into thieves’ language. But it didn’t help much at all.” The man stares into the distance.

I glance at Gavin who stares back at me. This guy seems kind of nutzo. Kind enough, but I still don’t understand what he’s doing. Why was he giving out free pies? What does he want from us.

“Well, I better get cooking. You’re welcome to stay in here, I suppose,” he says.

“Can we help you in the kitchen?” I ask.

He smiles for the first time since I’ve seen him. “Yes, that would be alright.” 


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Thu Aug 20, 2015 10:58 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fortis!

Back again to give you another review! I think this chapter was pretty good and pretty perfect as well, so I am not going to make this a long review and I am going to keep it rather short. It is interesting that this man is giving out free pies to thieves and all, and I am wondering what his motives are and why he is doing this. I'm assuming we will get to know if we keep reading, so I am going to be doing that soon as well. I look forward to that. I can't see anything I would want more in this chapter - the setting is done well enough, we get to actually hear more from Gavin's character as this isn't an overview of anything. So I'll just do a few nitpicks and well, leave it there xD

The sky is bright, beautiful blue above us


Because you use the adjective beautiful you do need an 'a' before bright.

feel as though we are untouchable. I know that’s a dangerous feeling,


I wondered why that was such a dangerous feeling when she mentioned it being one. Was it because as a thief you should always remember that there is the possibility you can get caught so you don't end up being cocky and do something wrong. Or is it just because usually when you feel to hopeful or too happy something bad always happens afterwards? I was just curious here.

we eat enough to notice that there is a scratched into the bottom of the metal pie tin


I think you are missing out the word 'message' before scratched here.

everything and I just want to run away, what am I thinking, stealing that pie and then waltzing right back…


Because you have a question in the middle of the run on sentence, it seemed a bit odd to me. I think it would be better if there was just a full stop at the end of away, and then a question mark after the question. It would just seem to work better in my opinion.

There is literally nothing left for me to say :) I'll be reading the next chapter soon where hopefully I can be of more use.

Deanie x




Rook says...


The first thing you said was correct for why I said it was a dangerous feeling.

Don't get your hopes up about the final part. It is a F-L-O-P. It's terrible. It disappoints me to no end.
But thank you for your review ^^



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Thu Jun 11, 2015 2:37 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereeee

I like how light-hearted this chapter reads, and it has a younger feel in the narration, as though a younger Fleta is telling the story. It still has your mature writing style inside and everything, but it has a more childish, whimsical style to it that I adore so much. Especially when they're going to get the pie. I love that so much <3

You have a more than decent character in Gavin. It makes me curious what you're going to do with him. I dun remember him at all in Wool of the Prince. So it looks like I'll be definitely be reading through all of this, even if only to find out who this guy is and who he becomes. xd

Gavin must have thought so too


You slip into past tense here. Have thought should be be thinking or something similar. I love how you can slide from past tense to present tense so easily, though. In Wool of the Prince, past tense and third person read so smooth and effortless. Reading this has the same feeling. You're a versatile writer. ;)

appealing to me, but I, too, am afraid


COMMA OVERLOAD. When you have so many so close together, always see what you can do to take out a few of them. Fewer commas = better flow. But of course only remove those that don't belong... and all of these commas do belong in the sentence, so it requires some rearranging of the sentence.

Okay, so I am going to be rude here for a moment, but there's nothing you can do about it. So sit down in that chair and shut up and listen.
I'm going to tell you right now that them going back for another pie was so so so stupid of them. Like, seriously? These kids have been on the streets for a long time, known all the tricks and how to not be trapped, and yet they succumb to such an easy trap. Or at least what seems a trap. They don't debate about it for very long, and then after that they just go and whistle their way down the street into what seems to the reader a complete trap. And I'd think after all those years of living on the streets, seeing how people try to pull them in, they'd be more than street-wise? Like, they'd see the words written on the pie and be able to identify it immediately.

who bought it back to translate


typo: brought

What does he want from us.


DIS IS A QUESTION.
It's missing one of those funny-looking doolewickers on the end.

I see more of their too-trusting side when they walk into the dark place, not having seen the guy at all. You know what it sorta reminded me of? The scene in Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang where the children snatcher bribes the two brats, erm, kids and then they walk in and... boom, down the decorations go and they're prisoners. So I think they're too trusting again? Or maybe they just don't think about things, don't hesitate before heading into danger.

I glance at Gavin who stares back at me


Comma after Gavin

One last comment/question: If this guy isn't a thief... then he would be the kind of person to turn them in, I would think. But he can't be a thief because he doesn't know the thieves' language. So, what is he? I suppose it's not a bad thing that we don't know everything about your character quite yet. We did just meet him, after all. Perhaps in this next chapter, we'll understand more about this and see who he is and what he wants.

Great chapter, as always. I'd copy and paste praise paragraph, version #123 , but you've already read it before, so I'll just say this was a fun read and enjoyed myself a lot - as always. ;)
~Darth Timmyjake




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Thu Jun 11, 2015 4:19 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



I now see that the key to winning TLMS is to write about pie. I will keep this in mind if I ever join another contest like it.

There are a few small grammar errors (the most notable being a missing question mark in the fourth-to-last paragraph). And also this:

I don’t recognize the fruit: It’s red and sweet and sticky.
(You probably know how to fix this already: semicolon.) Everything else that I caught was just nitpicky comma rules though, and knowing your poet ways, you might have made some "mistakes" on purpose.

Going on:

I see now a fuller extent of the style you've picked for Fleta's short. The short sentences give the feel that Fleta is young or uneducated, which she mostly is, and you don't fall into the horrible repeated first word pitfall. (I didn't expect you to anyways, having read so much of your writing already.)

If it were me (so basically, you can ignore this if you like), I would put a bit more oomph into my verbs. The part with the pie man sitting is an especially good example for this:
The man in front of me looks tired, and his face is wrinkled. He sits down in a chair with a moan.

We know he's old, or at least has seen a lot of life. However, with the sparse description of his state, a verb stronger than "sits" will give a bit more detail to his appearance. You could use anything from "eases," which would imply that he's a bit stiff in the joints, to "falls" or collapses," which both give a more tired feeling. This wasn't a huge problem really, it just kind of struck me for a few of the verbs.

You also do a wonderful job of showing the feeling of the places. Personally, I would slip in a few more exact details (like maybe Gavin and Fleta hid behind boxes? That gives more character to their alley, no?), but that's really up to you. You've hit the important part, and that's what counts.

Uh... that's pretty much all I have style-wise. As for your plot, you can consider me captured. Given the name of the piece and the suspicious pie-man, I am feverishly wondering whether this pie business will be safe for Fleta and Gavin, or if it will be disastrous, and the story will involve lots of action and sneaking.

Either way would be a delicious tale. I'll return again next week! And thank you for the lovely read.
-Buggie




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Sun Jun 07, 2015 11:05 pm
RosalieNoble wrote a review...



This is so cute! This entire chapter is basically about a pie, and that's a kind of chapter that I can really "sink my teeth into"!

I like how you wrote from your main character's point of view. I enjoy being able to see why people say and do what they say and do. It makes them more realistic.

You have a way of writing that makes it able for me to actually visualize what is going on. I can see the two of them crouching around the pie and stuffing their faces. I can feel the stickiness of the filling and even though you did not say exactly what kind of fruit it was filled with, the reader can easily guess or insert their own favorite red fruit which in turn makes the pie more realistic to them.

You are doing great! Keep up the good work!





You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time