Nugatory
There's an empty CD case
sitting on his counter
next to an empty pizza box
and a bin of empty beer bottles.
A piece of dry and crusted toothpaste
is left on her green and pearl toothbrush
in her rush to work
she knocked over the garbage can,
and used tampons cover the floor.
The old woman's comb is covered
with strands of silver hair
beside her sink,
where a puddle of water drips
onto the kitchen tile
blocking the path of a stray ant.
The brick wall
of the apartment building
is covered with graffiti.
Spock Lives it reads
when you tilt your head.
The homeless shelter across the way
is empty, a pizza box all on its own.
Birds lounge on the phone wires,
secreting mindlessly on the sidewalk,
with bright feathers and dull eyes,
plump like the pot-bellied Indian man
that runs the corner store.
Far away beneath the cars
the troll of the subway
can be heard and felt
through the grates on the road.
Perhaps there is some cliché or
some deep philosophical reason
for a place as meaningless as this
to exist.
But the woman on the corner
is too preoccupied with finding
all the bottles in the garbage heap,
to notice the sunrises and the sunsets
and all the clouds and stars
in between.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical:
"A piece of dry and crusted toothpaste
is left on her green and pearl toothbrush
in her rush to work
she knocked over the garbage can"
I need more punctuation here. Is this supposed to be one big thought, or are we supposed to pause after "toothbrush", and then you continue on with "in her rush to work"?
Content:
After reading this poem, I felt like its value was that of its title. What are all those snippets of scenes you showed us supposed to do? They're all so disconnected they fail to support your main theme. You basically could have cut:
"A piece of dry and crusted toothpaste
is left on her green and pearl toothbrush
in her rush to work
she knocked over the garbage can,
and used tampons cover the floor."
and
"The brick wall
of the apartment building
is covered with graffiti.
Spock Lives it reads
when you tilt your head."
and still gotten the same message across [you could have cut even more]. I guess I just needed a stanza or something tying the earlier pieces to the end, like you did with the homeless shelter and the pizza box.
Hope this helps!
Hi there Emmy! Nite here to review for Team Rouge this fine Review Day!
Overall, I think you have some excellent imagery here. I can really see it, which is good for a strong piece.
However, I felt the transition to the "moral" at the end felt a little too abrupt. First you introduce it with the "philosophical cliche" stuff, which I suggest trimming. As is, it feels too much like you're telling me what to think, which is best avoided because it insults the reader's intelligence. I might simplify the statement to something like "This place is too meaningless to exist."
Then all of a sudden, we have a woman ignoring pretty things like sunsets and stars. Which is strange because it seems like a setting like this wouldn't have a great view of things like sunsets and stars. I suggest bringing the ending back to the specific images you have throughout the rest of the piece. Have the woman specifically ignoring something beautiful.
Overall, this has some amazing images, but I suggest working on the ending. Good job and keep writing!
Um... Hi I guess My name is CrystalPony but you can call me anything you like! I'll be reviewing you now!
Amazing poem but I don't understand the meaning of this one. What's it about? Anyway, I like the poem all out, I can tell you know your spelling and grammar. Also it's easy to type something you don't mean on the computer but I think this is pretty much strait forward, 'There's an empty CD case
sitting on his counter
next to an empty pizza box
and a bin of empty beer bottles.
A piece of dry and crusted toothpaste
is left on her green and pearl toothbrush '
Is this about filth and haste? I don't understand these first few statements. Also who are he and she? This may have not been a mistake but I still think I should point it out. Well that's pretty much it so.... keep up the good work, I mean I liked this! Great poem! Keep writing!
~CrystalPony, or any nickname!