The first time he saw her
she was in Sundays best.
A frilled white dress with an orange belt
and Swiss chocolate hair in pigtails.
Four foot three she
had been sitting beside an old woman,
a grandmother in a beige floral suit,
her feet did not graze the tiled floor.
And he had scooted down the pew
brushing her hand with his
so she would look up at him
her eyes insignificant and magnificent.
Service let out early
and he returned to his wife,
but the image of little girl strayed
into the cavities of his subconscious.
He would dream of her
and her Swiss chocolate hair
and whenever he entangled his limbs at night
her eyes replaced his wives.
Four years later,
and his dear little princess
had her first day of school.
There was a playground and then
he saw her for the second time
for the third time fourth time fifth sixth seventh.
It didn't take that long to drop his daughter off
but he would stick around plastered
to the trees beside the playground,
four foot three steps from her,
so close but someone
was always at her side.
Instead of touch he settled
on imagination.
He liked pretending
that she was his own, personal bar
of Swiss chocolate,
disintegrating on his tongue,
disintegrated on his tongue.
He is a good liar
when his wife asks him
where he's been.
Now his daughter
is four foot three she reminds him
of Hershey chocolate
less sweet, less dark,
less natural than Swiss.
And soon he signs divorce papers
he gets his sour, selfish, Hershey chocolate
every weekday but now
he doesn't have to lie
about where he spends his mornings
or how.
And the hundredth hundredth time he sees
her Swiss chocolate hair, she is alone.
Finally he is able to grasp, able to lunge
and taste his sweet Swiss chocolate but
she is an overpriced box of truffles,
and he walks away craving
Hershey chocolate for the first time.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,443 Literary Works • 672,121 Reviews
Hi emmylou1995,here is Dark to give review on your poem.
It is quiet lengthy -poem here,but it is okay I enjoyed reading all the part.I like a poem which is written in narrative form because it is easy to understand just like reading a story.The details and description in your poem making this poem interesting to read and nice to digest through my mind.
I like the imaginary of yours.But there are some lines that makes me a bit confuse here.I think I should pay attention while reading your poem;Let me tell what I understand from your poem.(Tell me if I misunderstood)
~You talk about a brown-haired woman(her Swiss chocolate hair )whose husband behaved badly.-->
then they divorced;
And she lived like never before.
Well,I think I understand now.Quiet interesting one,very well-written and good diction.
Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Anshira here for a review! A wonderfully written poem describing each scene to its fullest. I love the exciting verbs that you have used. I also like the way you compared that girl to a chocolate bar. You starting and endind are both great but my personal favourite is your ending. It is superbly written. Though like the others I also had a very tough time understanding what this poem was suposed to be talking about. Also, correct usage of punctuations would make your poem more fluent to read. Next time try writing your poem as a story and then sorting it out. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your work.Good luck!
- Anshira
Sphealwithit here, good morning.
I was sort of confused by this poem. Don't get me wrong it really is good, I just didn't understand it at first. The way inwhich you worded it is really confusing and some parts didn't make sense.
The line 'four foot three' doesn't seem to fit. It's sort of just sitting there. I like the idea behind it, you just need to get your ideas orderd first.
Hope this helps.
Sphealwithit out...
Review time for me! Starting my review.....THIS WAS SO CONFUSING. But....in the beginning I could only picture a bad looking girl on a train. Try changing the words, and also the oprange belt. It dosen't seem right for her. Also how did you get this idea, and was this you? Looks like I have alot to write about! I don't really see when the person that signed divorce papers came in. He seems like a random person in the poem. Also, this was a great poem! Keep making them! Goodbye! Still confusing....
Hello I am here to review. I read this all the way threw several times, and I am still confused on what is supposed to be happening. There were also a few instances where commas would have made the reading of this poem a lot more fluent. Though with that aside it was a very creative idea, and I think you could refine it and polish it better, so we can understand the meaning and the impact of the poem. Writing, no matter what kind is meant to impact in some way. Yet I struggled to understand the meaning, so the impact went right over my head. But keep writing (maybe it is just me) - Hsarver
Knight Dragon, here to review!
I'm reading this entire poem wanting a little better punctuation. For example, "Four foot three she" should have a comma after "three" to help with reading flow.
Spelling and punctuation!!! "her eyes replaced his wives." :O As is, you're saying this guy has at least two wives, not one. So PLEASE change "wives" to "wife's".
The poem is pretty confusing. Who is the Four foot Three person? you make it seem like she's a separate person, but then later that it's his daughter? I'm not sure exactly what's going on.
Hope this helps!