Young Writers Society

Hi emmylou1995,here is Dark to give review on your poem.
It is quiet lengthy -poem here,but it is okay I enjoyed reading all the part.I like a poem which is written in narrative form because it is easy to understand just like reading a story.The details and description in your poem making this poem interesting to read and nice to digest through my mind.

A frilled white dress with an orange belt

and Swiss chocolate hair in pigtails.

He liked pretending

that she was his own, personal bar

of Swiss chocolate,

disintegrating on his tongue,

disintegrated on his tongue.

He is a good liar

And soon he signs divorce papers

and he walks away craving

Hershey chocolate for the first time.

Anshira here for a review! A wonderfully written poem describing each scene to its fullest. I love the exciting verbs that you have used. I also like the way you compared that girl to a chocolate bar. You starting and endind are both great but my personal favourite is your ending. It is superbly written. Though like the others I also had a very tough time understanding what this poem was suposed to be talking about. Also, correct usage of punctuations would make your poem more fluent to read. Next time try writing your poem as a story and then sorting it out. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your work.Good luck!
- Anshira

Sphealwithit here, good morning.

I was sort of confused by this poem. Don't get me wrong it really is good, I just didn't understand it at first. The way inwhich you worded it is really confusing and some parts didn't make sense.

The line 'four foot three' doesn't seem to fit. It's sort of just sitting there. I like the idea behind it, you just need to get your ideas orderd first.

Hope this helps.

Sphealwithit out...

Review time for me! Starting my review.....THIS WAS SO CONFUSING. But....in the beginning I could only picture a bad looking girl on a train. Try changing the words, and also the oprange belt. It dosen't seem right for her. Also how did you get this idea, and was this you? Looks like I have alot to write about! I don't really see when the person that signed divorce papers came in. He seems like a random person in the poem. Also, this was a great poem! Keep making them! Goodbye! Still confusing....

Hello I am here to review. I read this all the way threw several times, and I am still confused on what is supposed to be happening. There were also a few instances where commas would have made the reading of this poem a lot more fluent. Though with that aside it was a very creative idea, and I think you could refine it and polish it better, so we can understand the meaning and the impact of the poem. Writing, no matter what kind is meant to impact in some way. Yet I struggled to understand the meaning, so the impact went right over my head. But keep writing (maybe it is just me) - Hsarver

Knight Dragon, here to review!

I'm reading this entire poem wanting a little better punctuation. For example, "Four foot three she" should have a comma after "three" to help with reading flow.

Spelling and punctuation!!! "her eyes replaced his wives." :O As is, you're saying this guy has at least two wives, not one. So PLEASE change "wives" to "wife's".

The poem is pretty confusing. Who is the Four foot Three person? you make it seem like she's a separate person, but then later that it's his daughter? I'm not sure exactly what's going on.

Hope this helps!