I count down in my head.
Three,
The bus stops.
Two,
I inwardly groan as the doors creak open.
One.
“Hey, is this seat taken?”
Miley Jupiter.
My future best friend. She looks exactly as I expected. Dirty blond hair, too
bright eyes, and white as bread. Just like ninety percent of this God-Forsaken
place.
We could actually be sisters, not that anybody ever picks up on that. Here,
it’s perfectly normal to be as bland as a barbie doll.
I realize
she’s waiting for an answer.
“Sure.”
She smiles, and slips beside me.
I have to talk to her, I realize.
“You’re new.” I comment.
“Oh, yeah, I just moved here from-“
“New York.”
She blinks at me, then giggles, “How’d you do that? Did you read my mind?”
“No, I read The Script.”
She only laughs harder. Little does she know, that’s not far from the truth.
“What’s your name anyway?”
“My names Emily Harper.”
She leans forward slightly, “Tell me about yourself, Emily.”
My names Emily Harper.
And I’m a piece in someone else’s game.
I don’t know who- or what- I am.
My name is just a word on a paper I’ll never get to read.
Because I’m not real.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Oh my gosh, this is so meta and I love it. I don't know how you are going to write the entire story without having disturbing fourth wall breaks, but so far it's been good, and I wish the best of luck to do so.
There ain't much to critique, since its short and great, but the way her friend reacts seems a little unrealistic, but at the same time, I've met people so obliviously blissful they might react that way.
I am interested to see how you deal with the fact that if you know your future, you don't because you can just make a different decision than the one predicted like she could have slapped Miley and jumped off the bus and ran away, how will her future predicting deal with that?
In my opinion, something like this would be extremely hard to pull off, but if done well, could be amazing.
But that's all just my two cents!
I'm super excited to read more.
Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew
Thank you for the review!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I saw your second chapter and then realized that there was a prologue which I didn't read so here I am.
First Impression: So this was actually a really good prologue and I wish that I'd read this one before I ran into Chapter 1. Chapter 1 was pretty good but I think having read this before would certainly have enhanced the experience. So this prologue does a really good job of setting this story up and showing the situation that Emily is in. You really get a nice sense of how she seems to reluctantly follow this story that she knows is going to unfold in a certain way.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well you can clearly see that in this one she knows that things are about to happen. Somehow the first chapter indicated that this was a surprise to her somewhat but this prologue does actually show that she actually knew about this whole thing all along and was playing along.
Not sure if white as bread would work because not all bread is white. Maybe something a little different from that would be better than that.
This is definitely doing a much better job of establishing the fact that she knows she's got to play along and she does she reluctantly.
So at this point I'm loving the possibility that this might have been an inside joke written by the author dude or this is Emily just having fun with the knowledge she has both of which would be really funny.
I've gotta say the long string of one line paragraphs is a bit much here. You need to combine those into one paragraph there or else it just sorta loses the impact of having such paragraphs. But other than that these five lines are an amazing way to end off a prologue. It's telling us so much yet so little and instantly grabbing the attention of several people and that's really nicely done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a wonderful prologue to read. It did a wonderful job establishing the setting of the story and the premise for what is about to happen. Besides that little formatting thing with the paragraphs I can't see anywhere that this could be improved. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Horisun,
Happy Review Month! This story has an intriguing prologue. The story also sets up an interesting conflict. I don't know what it is yet, but I know that Emily is a pawn in a chess game.
If she's not real, maybe she's a fictional character because she "read the Script."
I love that ending. Great way to set up the story.
I noticed some small grammar mistakes, but the others already covered that. So I won't bore you
Great job!
Athena
Thank you!
"Dirty blond hair, too bright eyes, and white as bread. Just like ninety percent of this God-Forsaken place."
Dang, how'd Emily end up in Generic YA Novel TM Land?
Edit- I just read chapters one and two, and I will now be adding this to my list of Reasons Why I'm Psychic
Psychic?
Momo, here to review, courtesy of #RevMo 2020!
don't capitalize forsaken.
it should be name's.
other than that, it's really good! keep writing!
Momo
Thanks for the review!
Hi Horisun. I'm here for a quick review.
This is really a lovely novel. It's a true and beautiful start for a story. I love reading this and I think the title is quite interesting. Nameless...I wonder what that will mean in the delicate pieces of the chapter yet to come and to continue this story.
This story tells its story in a way and it's really amazing piece of writing. But I do have something I would love to suggest to you. You keep on using dialogues and I don't mean it's bad, I just mean the more you use dialogues the more you should describe and illustrate. You should explain more about each character and write how they said it, in what tone did he/she say, and especially who said it. I know I might be a bit offending sometimes, but please keep in mind I only want to suggest. I love the dialogues,it makes the story more real and actual. However, I think you could use a bit of help from the description to write the story more alive and help the reader to understand more about this beautiful story. I know this is only the prologue, but I think you should think reared it and add more description.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this story and I would love to read more your writings. This is really impressive writing and I don't want you do give up on ity-bity small mistakes.
Thank you for writing this story.
You made my day!
Keep on writing!
Best wishes,
Chris
Thanks for the review! "Nameless" is actually a placeholder title... I haven't decided what I want to call this yet.
Your welcome!
Hi Horisun,
I'm here with a review. It's an interesting prologue and I'm curious to know where this is going. It tells us what the story is about in an interesting way as it doesn't give us much information.
As for grammar, there are some little mistakes.
"She smiles, and slips beside me"
Here you don't need the comma as you have and after.
"“You’re new.” I comment."
Here, after new, I believe it should be a comma.
"My names Emily Harper"
"My names Emily Harper."
It should be name is. The way you wrote it it's the plural.
I liked your prologue as it's intriguing and original. You have a phew grammar mistakes that can easily be fixed. As well for the title, my idea would be A real fictional character.
I hope my review helped you and didn't offend you in any way,
MoonIris.
Thank You for the review!