Hey there FireSpyGirl.
I saw your story has been at the back of the green room for awhile and I decided to drop by. I haven't read the other part of this story but I am certainly going to try my best to review it.
The first thing, before I even had the chance to read any of the content, the wall of text put me off a little. There's always a certain aesthetic issue with walls of text, along with the possibility of it making it harder to get through the content. And once I did take a quick scan through the chapter, I did have some trouble processing all that was going on. Both of these big sections of text need to be separated out.
The ellipsis use and funky formatting on some of the dialogue might need tweaking. The use of ellipsis in literary works has always bothered me a little bit. If you are going to use them for the dramatic effect in this story, please make sure to use the proper amount of dots.
This and other things frustrated me as a reader while I was making my way through the text.
Starting so many of the sentences with "she", "hazel, and "the" is one of the things that was getting to me. The sentences fit together in a rather clunky manner, and I think they might need a little bit of rewording. With the second chunk of text, there definitely needs to be some reworking to add clarity to the situation. As a reader, I know that Hazel has to be facing this massive fear with whatever she is being haunted by. But when I keep re-reading through this, as a reader, I can't feel the fear that she must be experiencing. And that is really what you need to focus on.
In horror pieces, the reader should be able to feel that same bone chilling fear as the character is experiencing. I've tried to process all of what Hazel must be feeling but perhaps you could turn to it being more detail oriented. Of the horror that you describe, I can see that it definitely has some of those key horror elements.
But then it just ends too quickly for me with her friend slapping her out of it. That part might need a little bit of work too to make the flow more seamless. I'm not sure if you've written any more parts to this story or if it was supposed to be a somewhat standalone thing. No matter the status on that, the ending definitely needs some work.
And then that's really about it? All of the comments I had to make were on the overall basis. It's a good base for a story but it does need a bit of work to be at its best.
So happy January.
If you have any questions about this review, be sure to hit me up.
- Jack
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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